Blog #16 - Nude on The Moon (1961)

B movies are always fun, but they aren’t always entertaining.  Sometimes the planets line up just right, (this is more prevalent within the Sci-Fi genre which makes up a large part of B movies) the wind blows in just the right direction, and we get to see how the feeble have tried so hard to fail so miserably.  If that’s what you seek?  Look no further than this serious failure which helped change the way I looked upon bad movies.  I used to think that some of these films were created under the sublime intention as a form of punishment for the youngsters of my generation.  But after watching this one, I pondered for hours what I could have done to deserve 83 minutes of punishment known as Nude on The Moon, because when I was ten it would have seemed awesome.

Nude on the Moon

Directors	Raymond Phelan Doris Wishman
The Main Players
Marietta (I)	Cathy/Moon Goddess
William Mayer	Professor
Lester Brown	Dr. Jeff Huntley
Ira Magee	Any guess

Synopsis: 

            Two aspiring scientist/astronauts are able to bring their dream of travelling to the moon to fruition thanks to the timely inheritance of a dead uncle, and when they get to the moon their wildest fantasies become reality; sort of.

Review:

            The professor and Jeff are a couple of fun loving Florida scientists dreaming of going to the moon.  Sure they could embark upon challenging careers with NASA and claw their way to the top of the heap in the hopes of being chosen for a moon mission; but hey why wait for all that crap.  They’ve been working on building their own moon rocket and when Jeff arrives to deliver the sad, but great news about his rich uncle’s demise they have the one thing lacking in their plans; enough money to finish their rocket.  The old guy was loaded leaving Jeff just over 3 million and that’s more than enough to get their little science project off the ground.

            Now I don’t know if there was some sort of impound fee or storage bill for their rocket, but the much needed funds send them right from the lab to the cockpit in minutes and they are on their way.  The arrival to their spaceship and subsequent takeoff is perhaps one of the funnies moments in cinema.  That is of course, until we get to ride along with them and watch their hilarious in flight conversation conducted over microphones and headsets when they are quite literally inches from each other. I have to admit they put a lot of effort into this part and it’s probably the best acting of the film.  The exciting climax of their journey is the moment they both pass out opening the possibility of a dream sequence.

            Jeff and the Prof wake up after they land and they are quite comfortable with assuming the ship just seems to have landed without their help.  They immediately venture out to investigate the wonders of the moon.  You will be amazed at what passes for space suits on this mission which seems to be entirely equipped by Mattel.  They are shocked at how earth like the moon is with all the trees and ferns getting in the way of their search for craters.  To be more accurate, the moon seems to share a lot of similarity with South Florida which also just happens to be where most of the movie was shot.  They do remark on how surprising similarity is, but don’t seem to be all that excited about the huge garden wall blocking their path.

            Jeff and the Prof take turns helping each other climb up and peer over the wall watching the moon people at play.  That’s right!  Moon people or more accurate, topless moon people are frolicking in the lovely moon gardens worshiping their queen as she sits upon a marble throne.  It seems Jeff and the Prof have discovered that even on the moon size matters.  The queen is sporting a seriously commanding set of DD coronation tiaras that get places long before she does.  Her bust is the only thing in this film temporarily suspending disbelief giving the illusion that the lack of sagging could actually be due to the lower gravity of the moon. In fact, if you think about it, this film could very well be the inspiration for the long time trend towards breast augmentation in show business.  Aspiring actors, directors, and producers must have looked to this film wondering how this stinker could have come to be.  When you watch it, you’ll see an amazing pair of answers staring right back at you.

Lessons Learned:

• A long time ago, in a galaxy far, far away, there were perverts.
• You don’t need a space suit on the moon but a heavy gage underwire bra would come in handy.
• In space no one can hear you lactate.
• At least we now know why those Apollo guys had trouble walking when they got back.

Watch the trailer.

Blog #15 - Gamera tai daiakuju Giron (Attack of the Monsters) (1969)

            Don’t you just love the pendulum effect?  It swings one way and then goes right to opposite end.  That’s what happens when I tell you about a fantastic movie like The Killer Elite; I have to balance it out with something amazingly horrible.  I love that movie so it should be no surprise that watching todays selection will hurt.  Your senses and common sense will be attacked in a way you never thought possible.

            This time we take a trip back to the height of Japanese movie making.  It was a good thirty years until decent CGI, and Japanese studios were at the forefront of current technology.  That’s right!  I’m talking about rubber monster suits second to none.  Were they super advanced, or was it just a case of no one else doing it.  I don’t know the answer to that, but I’m glad they didn’t let something as trivial as good taste or sensibility stand in their way.

Gamera tai daiakuju Giron (Attack of the Monsters) (1969)

Director	Noriaki Yuasa
The Main Players
Nobuhiro Kajima	Akio
Christopher Murphy	Tom
Hiroko Kai	Barbella
Reiko Kasahara	Florbella

Synopsis: 

            Two young boys encounter a flying saucer parked in the woods near their home.  After entering they are whisked away to another planet where two space girls are intent on eating their brains. (not brains)

Review:

            Tom and Akio are just a couple of young fun loving boys from…..well we never really know, but for now let’s just say Earth.  While stargazing with their telescope a flying saucer catches their eye as they watch it descend not far from Akiko’s home.  In the morning they bike over to check it out and are amazed to see they were right.  The small spaceship is there and the boys dare to enter.  Akio starts messing with the buttons and suddenly they are flying up into beyond.

            They soon realize it wasn’t actually something they did and the ship is under remote control.  On their way to wherever the ship is going, they are greeted by their favourite monster.  Gamera comes flying by and saves them from an asteroid.  You might want to sit for this one.  Gamera is the special sort of patron monster of children.  To put it simple, he is a giant flying space snapping turtle.  He retracts his legs and tail, then jet engine flames come shooting out of the holes.  He flies through space like other turtles swim through water, which turns out to be kind of funny when he does wind up in water and almost drowns; zero atmosphere is space is fine though.

            Turns out the boys have travelled to a star (that’s what they call planets in this movie) on the opposite side of the sun.  Once there they find a sort of city with little matter transport booths so you don’t have to walk anywhere.  They get to watch a couple of local monster go at each other when a flying thing shows up and a monster called Guiron battle it out.   Guiron is impressive looking like a lizard with a Ginsu knife for a nose.  Akio and Tom manage to get inside one of the buildings to get away from the battle and they get to meet Barbella and Florbella who are happy to see them.  What do space aliens from our sister planet wear.  Green spandex and tinsel with a painted old time motorcycle helmet sporting antennae. 

            It doesn’t take long for the girls to hypnotize the boys and question them about the secrets of earth.  Under the spell they mostly fantasize about doughnuts and milk and don’t have many answers about earth.  Barbella and Florbella soon realize this method isn’t getting them anywhere.  They decide the only way to get the info they need is to eat Akio and Toms brain raw and absorb all of their knowledge.  Seems like the right thing to do.  Once they know everything there is about baseball cards and why girls are so icky, the Earth will be easy pickings. 

            I won’t spoil the end for you (like that’s possible) but I can say, Gamera shows up to save them and beat the crap out of Guiron because he really deserves it.  Having Japanese throwing stars come shooting out of your nasal passages is not fair.  It isn’t easy for Gamera because Guiron is seriously nasty but thanks to some quick moves, using a long boulder as a throwing star bat, and his gymnastic ability on the parallel bar (I’m not kidding) saves the day, or whatever the hell time it is on the other side of the sun.  Extended exposure to this sort of stuff isn’t good for you.  My head hurts now.

Lessons Learned:

• There are worse things in space than giant turtles.
• Giant Turtles do not have giant pecans in them.
• When the waterfall starts running backwards, get nervous.
• Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles are not the only half shelled gymnasts.
• And, apparently pizza stunts your growth, and space travel worthiness. 

Blog #14 - The Killer Elite

My love for B movies knows no bounds, but I also love great movies.  Sometimes the two genres overlap, and I become a little kid again for about 90 minutes.  I often think of movies the way others think of music.  Like anyone else I have my favourite music stars, but at some point you have to give in to anyone who is the total package.

            Zeppelin, Neil Young, or The Who were and are our contemporary modern day composers that deserve all the respect and admiration they have gained.  But that’s also how I feel about movie directors.  Scott, Man and Friedkin take you places you’ve never, or in some cases I’m sure, could never have imagined.  Each has their little niche separating them from others; something they excel at.  This movie is all about one of the greatest directors of all time affectionately known as Bloody Sam

The Killer Elite (1975)

Director	Sam Peckinpah
The Main Players
James Caan	Mike Locken
Robert Duvall	George Hansen
Arthur Hill	Cap Collis
Bo Hopkins	Jerome Miller
Mako	Yuen Chung

Synopsis: 

            Two former CIA operatives turned private contractors are the best of friends until one switches sides betraying the other.  George gives Mike crippling wounds to prevent them from being foes, but secret agents should never underestimate the fortitude and determination of other agents.

Review:

            They don’t make them like they used to is something that leaps to mind when I’m thinking about this picture.  There was a time when they made movies for adults and this is one of them.  James Caan is Mike Locken, a former CIA operator and good friends with his long-time partner George Hansen played by Robert Duvall who has plans on dissolving their friendship.  At a safe house with some unspecified defector George makes his move taking out all the other operators except Mike.  They’re friends, so killing him is out of the question.  Instead George putts a bullet in Mike’s knee and elbow; sort of the 32 calibre version of early retirement.  The idea here being that George knows Mike is a serious player and this is the only way to make sure when he retires, he stays retired without killing him.

            George isn’t the only one who thinks Mike is washed up, and they spend a lot of time telling him.  Embarking on an extensive training program to get as close to his former self, he is constantly reminded by Collis, his former boss, that his efforts look foolish.  Mike won’t have any of that.  After blowing an attempt on the life of a serious Asian VIP (Mako) by an unknown group, Collis is back at Mike’s boat eating his words; but why?

            The bungling at the airport was incredibly messy for the work of professional assassins.  Bodies strewn everywhere, not to mention one arriving in the baggage area, is just unacceptable to the powers behind it all.  It’s time to bring in a no-nonsense performer.  They need a serious elite killer that works for money and doesn’t ask questions.  George is back in town.

            The confrontation between Mike and George is inevitable.  Mike is hired to form his own killer squad to protect Chung with the added bonus of seeing his old buddy again; but this time will be different.  Mike knows who’s on what side this time, and vengeance has become a top priority.  You will just have to watch it to see what happens when the Killer Elite meet for a showdown.

Lessons Learned:

• Bloody Sam was in a league of his own.
• Spy’s had it a lot harder in the days before the cell phone and GPS.
• Arthur Hill (Cap Collis) did well for a Saskatchewan boy.

Fun Facts:

• Peckenpah’s preparation for this film consisted of watching Bruce Lee films.
• Both Robert Duvall and James Caan took actual lessons in their respective special skills.  Duvall learned to use and infrared scope on a rifle and Caan learned how to disarm people with his cane.
• Peckenpah cut a lot of the extreme violence from the release cut to obtain a PG rating instead of his usual R.

Blog #13 - The Thirsty Dead

            Decades are important; at least they are now.  Decades describe a generation’s skew on a period of time.  Like the ‘60s which has come to symbolize the birth of rock, the free spirit, and the sexual revolution.  These time periods represent a significant shift in our culture that goes beyond a fad.  But, they don’t always get it right.  For example, the ‘70s are often blamed for the dreaded Disco craze which in truth did start in that decade, but didn’t get to full speed until after 1977.  Does three years make up a decade?  Disco actually carried on into the ‘80s because trends are not restricted to decades; but we are when we describe them.

            Free love did start in the ‘60s, and carried on into the ‘70s only they changed its name to the sexual revolution.  There weren’t any guns involved and they didn’t have a leader, but it was revolutionary on how they treated sex.  The ‘70s became the Me generation and the battle cry of the revolution was, “If it feels good.  Do it!”  Unfortunately the battle cry found its way into our entertainment/behavioural master, television.  The T.V. production studios saw the sexual revolution responding by sinking their venom filled fangs deep into it.  Suddenly we were subject to a new type of horror no one saw coming.  It was the birth of the made for T.V. movie. 

            Sort of like a regular movie in length, but so different in content and value.  It started as special presentations linked to current trends, but eventually morphed into sub-par nonsense vehicles for one hit wonder stars to flex their acting skills.  Almost always a failure, they didn’t stop coming.  In fact, by the time we were half way through the decade there were more T.V. movies than regular movies.  They became less common over time but never went away.  They just added a lot of sugar and added the name Hallmark to them, and kept the crap coming.

The Thirsty Dead (1974)

Director	Terry Becker
The Main Players
Jennifer Billingsley	Laura
Judith McConnell	Claire
John Considine	Baru
Tani Guthrie	Ranu

Synopsis: 

            A secret cult of mythological god worshipers resides inside a labyrinth of mountain caves in the Philippine islands.  Death is cheated through the use of an amazing plant leaf (it looks a lot like a maple leaf), and blood letting of the young and attractive; big boobs are required.

Review:

            Who writes this stuff, and how can we have them punished?  There is nothing scary about this movie in any way other than the fact it goes on for 88 minutes.  Honestly, given the choice between these 88 minutes and 88 minutes at the dentist; I would have a serious dilemma on my hands, and I hate the dentist.  It isn’t very often that I pull down the big screen to let it roll back up, turn of the projector and after just a few minutes, start wandering around the house looking for things to do.  Is this a critical plot moment in the movie?  I don’t know but I'mwondering if that picture on the wall is straight.  Uhggg!

            At least when a movie is real bad you can make fun of it.  This one was difficult.  It all starts in a bar in Manila and goes down from there.  Some guys dressed up like a cross between ninjas and monks are going around capturing women, and taking them down to their little canoe parked in the sewer.  You know you’re in trouble when all you can smell is poop and it’s not yours.

Eventually they emerge from the sewer system into what looks suspiciously like a river in Colorado, and if the sewer trip wasn’t boring enough we get what looks like a white water documentary without the white water or any narrative.  Just when you think it can’t get much worse, they hit the land and we are treated to a tedious trek through the jungle.  As the trek through the jungle goes on, I started paying closer attention thinking there must be an important plot point here.  I was wrong.  They wanted you to know it was a long walk and that’s what they showed.  Got to make up those 88 minutes somehow. 

When their journey is done, they find themselves within a complicated cave network carved into a mountain presumably for the purpose of making visitors confused.  Of course this is a made for T.V. movie so it’s like two cave sets shot from different angles all the time.  It’s amazing what they used to get away with when you couldn’t say, “Hey pause that.  Back it up so I can see it again.”  Of course with this movie not being able to watch it at your convenience was a blessing.  Let’s get to the meat of it.

This movie is simply an excuse to show reasonably well endowed women tramp around in outfits that basically resemble strips of cheap cloth.  Remember this was the ‘70s, so this was both art and genius.  The bad guy Baru and his sister Ranu spend their spare time having their minions tie up the good looking girls, and remove their blood just a little bit at a time; well, a chalice full.  Mixed with their magic maple leaf they drink the blood so they can be immortal, and look hot by ‘70s standards.  That’s it kids.  That’s the scary part.

No creatures hanging from the cave, no dark evil zombies leaping out of corners, and not even a real monster of any kind.  Hell, even the bloodletting is done out on rock slabs in a sunny courtyard.  In California this could easily be mistaken as the latest New Age craze.  Each time our heroine Laura tries to escape we’re shown just how futile it can be.  What can she do?  Even though the self-proclaimed gods of Baru and Ranu know that leaving would end their immortality, Laura manages to convince him to help her escape.  Now they race through the jungle in the same endless boring way they got there in the first place only faster; sort of.  I could tell you how it ends, but I see no reason you shouldn’t suffer just as I did; provided you want to watch this.

Lessons Learned:

• Manila has huge sewers you can canoe through.
• Greek Gods did not vanish, they just went on a South Pacific vacation.
• Blood is the 6^th food group.
• Elvis influenced everyone.

 Watch the Trailer

Blog #12 - Super Argo

            When I was a kid, wrestling was a Saturday late morning staple.  Along with my fellow little elementary goons we sat mesmerized in front of our curving picture tube TV’s wishing there was some way to pause, or replay the bone crunching move just witnessed.  Amazing characters like Sailor White, Tokyo Joe and the Sheik just to name a few, and all of them a villain at some point.  They were the guys we loved to hate.  We all picked out favourites, and you could tell a lot about a guy by which demented evil villain he aligned himself with.

            If you picked Tokyo Joe, chances are you had a bit of a soft spot for the underdog, and if you picked Andre the Giant; you just liked a sure thing.  But the most important thing back then was how quickly you could adapt to a changing situation.  You had to be sharp and ready to switch who you were routing for at a moments notice.  It was so important to make certain you were ready to say, “No, I wanted the Sheik to loose!”  We all needed to feel like we picked a winner, except when it came to Evil Knievil; even when he lost, we thought he won.  We weren’t that smart, but we did know how to play outside.

Super Argo (L'invincibile Superman) (1968)

Director	Paolo Bianchini
The Main Players
Giovanni Cianfriglia	Super Argo
Guy Madison	Prof. Wedland Wond
Luisa Baratto	Gloria Devon

Synopsis: 

            A super powered professional wrestler is employed by the United Nations to uncover who, or what is behind the kidnapping of international elite athletes.

Review:

            This movie is fun.  It’s just that simple.  Super Argo comes from a time when action ruled.  As long as you can keep things moving forward it doesn’t really matter how many holes there are in the plot.  Super Argo and his partner the Hindu Faker Kamir are ridiculous, and yet they are compelling to watch.  Part of it is in how interesting they are, but also you just have to know what crazy shit they’re going to do next.  Levitating above the poison gas, or modifying his E-Type Jaguar to have massive blades pop out all over it are just a few examples.  The point here is that you have no idea what’s coming next, but you can be sure something is coming.

            The something is the Faceless Giants, sort of mechanical robotic men made from people.  They’re not giants.  In fact most of the cast is taller than the giants.  They are not faceless either.  Just a stocking pulled over their faces (did I mention B movies are cheap).  But there is this strange methodical mechanical like audio effect combined with some seriously creepy music making them suspenseful.  When you watch how slow and robotic they move, it gives you a better understanding on how sound and music can play a role in the drama.  You could outrun these guys on a lawn tractor and yet they are menacing at all times.  Who can stop them?

            Well I don’t have to tell you Super Argo can, because you know that by now.  It’s more about how he does it, or does everything for that matter.  Argo is a brute; pure power in a ridiculous costume that never stops.  He’s the sledge hammer the jeweller pulls out to fix your watch once and for all.  I won’t tell you how it all ends, but I can say by the time Super Argo finishes his investigation, there are a lot fewer faceless giants robbing banks and kidnapping women.  Of course, there are a lot fewer elite athletes in the world as well. 

            I don’t know if you’ve figured this out yet, but the faceless giants are in fact the missing athletes, and they have been turned into a ‘60s version of the cyborg.  I’m not sure if they can be cured or recovered to their pre-faceless giant state.  The funny thing is I don’t think Super Argo or Kamir know either, but then given the way they do away with them I don’t think they care.  Got to love the ‘60s man!  Kill first and figure out where you went wrong later.

Lessons Learned:

• Wrestling is real and you can get killed.
• You can get a bullet proof skin tight spandex suit (all though I don’t think they called it that yet).
• Being a real man means wearing your underwear on the outside of your leotards and not eating quiche.
• Super heroes hang around the house in their super outfit just waiting for bad stuff to happen or for company to visit.
• Quick-sand is a faster way to deal with super villains than the justice system.

Check out the trailer

Blog #11 - Aliens

            What do they mean by production quality/value?  It’s about the little awards they mention at the Oscars saying they were given out at an earlier time.  They are talking about critical people who do things like set design, production design, and other background things.  Together they form the production quality which is just another way of saying how attentive the production team was to the little details that go into making the movie.  Just think of the world of Blade Runner.

            Ridley Scott is a master of pulling together the right team to make something incredible.  Blade Runner isn’t just a sci-fi setting of future earth.  It’s the creation of a deep and complex world of the future where people don’t build anything anymore, but rather retro-fit modern items in a decaying over crowded city it what can only be described as a bleak struggling world.  Everything the characters touch is either some form of bastardized old gear rigged to something futuristic or just plain bland in appearance.  It’s the production team that through meetings and sketches created the decrepit world of the future where a cop can be an executioner. 

            Ridley Scott is important this week because he is famous for breaking into the biz with one of the most memorable and misunderstood movies of all time.  Alien was a sci-fi not a horror movie that was so detailed audiences were amazed, and it did not go unnoticed by the Academy.  So the question this week is; can you make a crappy movie with incredible production value and squeak it past the public.  The answer is yes.  Read on to find out who did it, and how he continues to do it to this day.

Aliens (1986)

Director	James Cameron
The Main Players
Sigourney Weaver	Ellen Ripley
Michael Biehn	Cpl. Dwayne Hicks
Bill Paxton	Pvt. Hudson

Synopsis: 

            After successfully escaping from the doomed Commercial Cargo Ship Nostromo, Warrant Officer Ellen Ripley is rescued from her escape pod enduring a 57 year hyper-sleep.  After telling her frightening tale of meeting a deadly alien she learns the planet of origin in now colonized.  Contact with the colony is lost and she is asked to join a military expedition force to learn the fate of the colony.

Review:

            I want to make this clear right off at the start.  I love this movie and it’s one of my favourites, but that doesn’t mean it isn’t stupid.  There are some serious plot holes in this movie.  We’re talking about holes you can drive a bus through, turn around, and then come back.  We can start by taking a look at the most important character in the movie, Ellen Ripley.  The thing that made Ripley stand out so much in Alien was her incredible sense of survival.  In reality the movie Die Hard was made ten years before Bruce Willis wowed us with his do anything to survive determination.  Ripley had it first and that’s what she was; a survivor, not a warrior.

            James Cameron wanted Ripley to be as important and influential to the outcome of the plot he had to take some drastic measures.  Like what you might ask?  Oh…Lets say, having all of the highly trained Colonial Marines forget every single thing they learned in basic training.  We will look at three glaring, obvious, and smack you right in the face mistakes in the plot that are best described as contrived.  Dumb crap stuck in to make things work out the way he wants, and I can say that because he wrote this crap as well.  Let’s go.

            Number one starts with the drop ship arriving on the planet to insert the marines.  Done very well and right by the book; the ship hits the ground and releases their little APC.  After getting a good ass kicking by the Aliens they escape to call in “Dust Off (emergency pickup)” from the drop ship that’s been hanging around and during that an Alien got on board killing the crew; it crashes and they’re upset.  Here’s the secret in this.  Whoever controls the air controls the battlefield.  Your fancy plane is useless if it’s sitting on the ground.  And, even if you do decide to land, it is such an important asset that it’s guarded at all times.  Just think about it, these guys seriously need this thing just to get off the planet.

            Number two is even more basic.  One of the first things soldiers learn is fire control and how to conserve ammunition.  The marines have fantastic guns that fire explosive tipped armour piercing rounds coupled with a grenade launcher, but it seems to be stuck on automatic.  Every time they get an alien in their sights they instinctively pump about 30 rounds into it when 1 or 2 would have done the trick.  Trigger happy doesn’t even begin to describe how fast they go through the ammo.  One could argue that they are panicking, but they know they have limited supplies and their life sort of depends on it. 

            Number three is the best one of all.  After the drop ship crashes and they have minimal supplies, they need to come up with an action plan.  What do they do?  They go right back to the place where the colonists lost the battle thinking that they might be able to barricade themselves in better.  The aliens are such formidable opponents because they can crawl through things and blend in with machinery and stuff like that.  The best thing to do in a case like this is to take away their ability to sneak up.  You find some high ground with clear fields of view and fire and wait for them to come crawling or however they move.  Bang!  One shot, one kill and you can do it from 600 metres away.  Not to mention a few well placed grenade booby traps and anything else you can get out of the Space Marine Handbook.  I’m sure if they had one it wouldn’t say, “Don’t worry about it.  Ripley will take care of it.”

Lessons Learned:

• Space Marines complain a lot – must be the regular marine connection.
• Aliens are not that bright but then neither are the humans they run into.
• It’s good to hug someone when you blow yourself up – do terrorists know that?
• Greed gets you stuff you don’t deserve, absolute greed gets you eaten by a big mean alien.

Blog #10 - Curse of Big Foot

            What’s worse than being embarrassed?  OK, dead is worse but then you don’t get to really feel it; or that’s what we think.  Have you ever seen something so embarrassing that you felt embarrassed for the person suffering it?  It’s like when you watch someone suffering some horrible act in the movie and you just can’t watch.  For example, I drowned once when I was a kid taking in a lung full of water.  I didn’t pass out, and my rescue was just being pulled from the pool and coughing it all out.  But still, I can remember the moments of panic knowing it was about to happen and I couldn’t stop it.  To this day I can’t watch movies where people are drowning or about to.  So not everyone has drowned, but everyone has been embarrassed at some point in their life.

            We all know what it’s like to be embarrassed.  It’s a primal emotion shared in every facet or version of human culture.  We even think some of our pets feel that way from time to time.  I’ve seen my dogs do something stupid and I could swear they sort of look away with their head down in shame like they embarrassed themselves.  I’ve seen acting done so well combined with writing so strong that I’ve felt the embarrassment for the character and feel like I can’t watch it anymore.  Curse of Bigfoot is not that kind of movie.  When you watch it, and I dare you too, the feeling of embarrassment for everyone involved in it will be overwhelming.  Only after watching will you understand what the curse is.

           

No poster this time.

Curse of Bigfoot (T.V. 1978)

Director	Dave Flocker
The Main Players
Bob Clymire	Roger Mason
Jan Swihart	Sharon
Bill Simonson	Dr. Bill Wyman

Synopsis: 

            This one is so hard but I will do my best.  The Curse of Bigfoot involves a famous Bigfoot hunter addressing a group of high school students after their teacher has spoken at length about the Yeti and where it goes from there…..You will just have to hang on and see.

Review:

            Wow!  Now was that a good Wow or a bad one?  If you guessed the latter, stop on your way back from the fridge and give yourself a cookie.  Who the hell makes a movie called Curse of Big Foot and doesn’t have Big Foot in it.  Holly shit! Not even a cameo.  OK.  So there is a foot in a few scenes but without some object next to it, I can’t say for sure if it was actually big.  Perhaps it was a lesser known cryptozoological creature with a name like Swollen Foot.  Now that I think about it, there wasn’t even a curse.  What the hell!  So plug your nose and get ready for this one.

            We start out just outside some rural home where some heavy mouth breathing creature is lurking in the dark; supposed to be dark but more on that later.  There is a girl, her dog and the creature but nothing happens.  Cut and leap to a classroom where students are listening to their teacher wax on about the paranormal.  As he starts to talk about the Yeti he switches gears and goes into Big Foot and we get to see some old stock film of famous mountaineers and some other crap that makes no sense.  The director is sort of stuck now and what do you do when you film yourself into a corner.  You show 15 minutes of stock footage on logging.  That’s right, 15 minutes of logs floating down the Columbia headed for a paper mill.  I know!  The logs will become the paper the curse is written on.  We should be so lucky.

            With the lesson on the paranormal pulp and paper industry over we go back to the classroom where the kids get to welcome a guest speaker Dr. Bill Wyman.  His claim to fame is his legendary search for Big Foot.  Some kid smirks at the notion and the good Dr. tells him about the horrors of one expedition to find the elusive creature.  He tells them (remember this plot point) about how the creature was so shocking that of the 5 students he took on his big expedition remain in a mental institute to this day.  Makes sense if they were in this movie.  Let’s find out why.

            We are suddenly taken to the desert in the Navajo region where the Dr. and 5 students are on a dig for ancient Indian artefacts.  Eventually they find the entrance to a cave and go in.  They find an Indian mummy, if there is such a thing, and like any kook they decide to take it back with them.  Nothing quite like getting a nice souvenir, and desecrating an ancient burial ground all at the same time.  They dump the mummy in a garden shed and for some strange reason decide to take turns guarding it from God knows what.  Those kids in the ‘60s sure knew how to party.  “Hey Bobby, why don’t you come over and we can play some records and jive?  Don’t forget to bring your ancient Indian mummy.”

            Do I have to tell you it comes to life?  The rest of the movie is just them running around trying to get away from the slowest moving monster you will ever see in a movie.  And let’s talk a moment about the cinematography.  Putting a blue filter on the camera lens and shooting in the middle of the day does not make it look like night time.  Plus when you watch this one you get to see the colour shifting all the time.  Hey nice beige sports coat, oh wait, sorry nice blue...you get the idea.  So how does it all end?  They get the idea to surround themselves with bales of hey soaked down with gasoline and keep buckets of gas near by.  During the exciting conclusion they throw buckets of gas on the attacking monster/mummy and then set it on fire. 

            Now remember this is the incident that sent some of them to the nut house due to the trauma.  The final moments show them standing around the burning monster like he’s a bon fire while they are laughing and joking.  Oh…the horror.  Must have been a wicked case of Post Dramatic Stress Disorder, and the lack of marshmallows sent them right over the edge.  The moral of this story is to never splice unrelated movies together, add stock nature footage and give a title that has nothing to do with it.  But I loved it.

Lessons Learned:

• Big Foot loves logging.
• What’s more frightening than paper masks?
• It’s the little nuances that bring a film to life like arguing about where to get an orange soda pop for 5 long minutes.
• Is Big Foot real?  I’m not sure but you’d think if he was, he’d be suing the asses off these dorks.

Blog #9 - Super Fuzz

            What is funny?  That’s a very complex question, and hard to answer.  Of course, you can always jump to the obvious example of irony, but is irony actually funny of itself or more a result of the circumstances surrounding it.  Alanis wasn’t right and didn’t know what irony is.  A, “No Smoking,” sign on your cigarette break is not ironic unless you happen to work at a cigarette manufacturing plant; and some just wouldn’t find anything involving smoking funny at all.  Still, we’re still stuck with trying to somehow define what funny is.  You see, what’s funny, is important when talking about B movies.  It’s important because for some of them, that’s how we define our enjoyment when watching.  It’s often about the humour found where humour was the last thing on the director’s mind.  So what do we do with an obviously B movie that’s also a comedy?

            That’s the essence of this week’s film Super Fuzz (Poliziotto superpiù), a film that was meant to be funny, but obviously had a budget low enough cement it in B movie lore.  But what’s the lesson here?   What makes this movie so great?  Well obviously talent from the leads, but there’s much more to it.  The film makers knew they didn’t have the kind of budget to make a blockbuster.  Instead, they decided to make the lack of money work to their advantage by purposefully being cheesy whenever possible.  With talent, enthusiasm, and effort they took what should have been a flop and reaped a bit of serious success here in Canada.  I saw this one in the theatre when it came out and knew it was a cheapie, but it was one of the best movies that year.  Just one more gem waiting for you to discover.

           

Super Fuzz (1980)

Director	Sergio Corbucci
The Main Players
Terence Hill	Dave Speed
Ernest Borgnine	Sgt. Willy Dunlop
Joanne Dru	Rosy LaBouche

Synopsis: 

            A rookie cop determined to serve a traffic violation notice travels to a recently abandoned American Indian village now converted to a weapons test range.  When a new type of weapon using red isotopes detonates above him, he is showered by red particles giving him super powers.

Review:

            This movie has a fantastic opening.  It starts just outside the prison walls holding Officer Dave Speed, recently convicted of murdering his supervisor Sgt. Dunlop.  The news reporter says Speed is about to get the electric chair because the three previous attempts to administer justice by hanging, firing squad, and gas failed to finish him.  This is where our hero begins a narrative taking us back to where things started getting strange for him.  It all begins with him trying to do the best job he can.

            Dave wants to deliver a traffic violation to a reclusive Indian who has sought refuge in his swamp village reservation.  He doesn’t realize, until its too late, that the village has been abandoned and sold so it can be used as a weapons test range.  A new weapon using red isotopes is detonated above him and Dave is completely buried in red dust and presumed dead.  A few days later he emerges back in town only to find his boss Dunlop has been busted down to traffic duty as punishment for Dave’s demise.  Just as Dunlop is about to be creamed by a speeding delivery truck, Dave is able, by his will, to prevent the accident.  He has become Super Fuzz.

            Well the rest of the movie is quite predictable and contrived, but that doesn’t mean it isn’t entertaining.  Terence Hill just has a likeable quality that makes almost everything he does on film funny and exciting.  He projects an almost idiot like quality that you’re certain is hiding a genius behind it.  I just can’t figure out a better way to describe it.  I suppose he embodies what we all are at any given time.  Some days you feel like the world is your oyster, and other days we are the person who just isn’t smart enough to work the pull tab on the oyster can.  It means we can identify with Dave Speed.  He’s the kind of person, who when endowed with super powers, does what he can to right the wrongs in the world just like we’d want to.  In short, he’s just a fun great guy, and like they say, it couldn’t have happened to a better person.

Lessons Learned:

• It doesn’t take much to bring down a missile.  The USAF wasted a lot of money on the Patriot.
• A pool can easily be confused with the ocean.
• We didn’t have high expectations for movies in the ‘80s; we didn’t pay that much.
• Never catch a bullet with your teeth; you have no idea where it’s been.

 Watch the Trailer

Blog #8 - The Galaxy Invader

            It’s really hard to make a movie!  I’m not talking about running around with one of those mini HD cam-corders with some of your friends jumping out of the corners and shouting at each other.  Or even worse, you think you can make some introspective deep meaning yapping between a couple of misunderstood youths trying to make their way in the world; make them teenage vampires and I’ll be sick.   And of course, there is the dreaded documentary format where you are certain we want to know everything there is about your Uncle Bob’s lunatic like obsession with HO scale model trains.  No, I’m talking about a feature length film. 

            Previously, we’ve taken a look at some of the things that go into movie making and feature length just means you are going to need more of all the usual elements.  Let’s start with what it takes to get a movie going; you need a script.  A proper formatted script runs about 1 minute per page.  The going standard for a feature film is 90 minutes give or take a few.  That means you have to come up with 90 pages of dialogue, directions, and camera moves.  That alone is a daunting task, so when you add all the other elements of production like page breakdowns, scene sheets, and production board, you have a couple of months invested and haven’t shot a single scene.  You’re going to need some help.

            People ask me all the time, what makes a B movie or what is a B movie?  I explain they are movies that have most of the elements of regular movies, but they suffer from a lack of resources; sometimes that’s just cash.  But this week’s movie has some distinctive elements that help identify it as the atypical B movie.  For a change, pay close attention to the opening credits on this one.  There are a lot people involved in dragging this one out into the light, and a lot of them seem to have the same last name; and it isn’t Spielberg or Scott.

The Galaxy Invader 1985

Director, Writer, Producer, Editor, Best Boy, Bad Boy (it goes on forever)	Don Dohler
The Main Players
Richard Ruxton	Joe Montague
Faye Tilles	Carol Montague
George Stover	J.J. Montague
Greg Dohler	David Harmon
Anne Frith	Ethel Montague

Synopsis: 

            A reptilian alien has spaceship trouble and is forced to crash land on earth.  Too bad he didn’t crash near Area51 where he would have faced horrible experiments and tests; perhaps even dissection.  Yup, too bad because he winds up crashing in the sticks of Maryland where he is pursued relentlessly (if that’s possible) by hillbillies.  Sort of ironic that Lizardman with all his sharp teeth is being hunted down by a group of people who collectively have fewer teeth than one man has toes.

Review:

            We shouldn’t be too hard on poor Don Dohler (RIP) since he is a bit of a legend in the junky sci-fi horror movie genre.  When I first came across this gem I was sure it was just a single effort, but I’ve looked into Dohler’s movie career and he’s made a few.  But, for now we will just focus on this tale of alien versus hillbillies and all the things so bad about it.  Sort of hard to know where to start, but this one wastes no time in getting to the bad stuff.  Right out of the gate we get to see a young man out in the countryside witness a strange fireball in the sky.  Most night time fireballs are essentially strange, but one that does loops and dips before it crashes over the horizon is certainly worth mentioning.  I guess I should also mention that at no time does it even sort of look real.  I suggest drinking lots first or borrow your buddy’s thick glasses to help with the illusion.

            The young man is David and he calls up his old astronomy professor Dr Tracy to come and check it out.  At this point we get to meet America’s original favourite dysfunctional family predating the Bundys, the famous Montagues.  Led by drunken Joe and his number one son J.J., they can’t get through breakfast without having a big blowout.  Joe is a spectacle.  His I.Q. is measured by the number of holes in his tattered white t-shirt; he looks like he’s the smart one in the family.  These are not bright people and they waist no time in letting you know.  Joe and J.J. are the first to encounter the alien who is scary looking but not threatening.  Joe knows a thing or two about interstellar relations and greets our visitor with his shotgun.  You know I’ve said when it comes to the B movies; it’s the actors that make it great.  I feel the need to apologize here; this is not the case.

            Joe, J.J. and the rest of the family excluding Ma, run around chirping out their dialogue like they are reading it off a card; and it’s a small card.  Seriously, you don’t get the sense that anyone is buying any of this until we get close to the end.  Even later in the plot it starts to seem like the best performance in this is the guy in the rubber lizard suit.  It’s a very limited costume with not much in the way of servos or other gizmos to make facial expressions.  It doesn’t help that the lizard guy seems to emote the most out of the cast unless you consider chugging on a bottle of Jack Daniels an emotional expression (and that’s not just a joke, because Joe spends a lot of his time running around with a bottle of Jack).  Of course, you do get the idea that they love their guns; a lot.  So what kind of cake do you get with these crazy ingredients?

            David sees the ship crash and calls up Doc Tracy who’s coming from the big city and won’t be there for hours.  Meanwhile at Montague Manor, Joe is crapping on his kids when his daughter runs away.  Joe and J.J. go after her and they meet the Lizardman.  Joe calls in Frank, the local shifty get rich guy who decides they should capture the alien, but they the help of the dumbest guys in town; the guys don’t disappoint.  Joe and Frank use the locals like Capt. Kirk uses guys in red shirts in a battle to capture the alien.  They get him but not without losses.  David and the Doc rescue the alien and Doc gets shot by Joe and the Alien kills Frank in turn.  Now I don’t want to spoil the movie for you, that was Don Dohler’s job.  Let’s just say Joe gets what he deserves and so does his abused family.

Lessons Learned:

• Fireballs in the night sky can do some impressive acrobatics.
• Even dumb hillbillies know how to let even dumber ones lead the way.
• This movie was loosely based on Romeo and Juliette for about 30 seconds.
• There’s a lot of Dohlers in the Baltimore area.
• Even aliens get tired of rednecks at some point.