It’s really hard to make a movie! I’m not talking about running around with one of those mini HD cam-corders with some of your friends jumping out of the corners and shouting at each other. Or even worse, you think you can make some introspective deep meaning yapping between a couple of misunderstood youths trying to make their way in the world; make them teenage vampires and I’ll be sick. And of course, there is the dreaded documentary format where you are certain we want to know everything there is about your Uncle Bob’s lunatic like obsession with HO scale model trains. No, I’m talking about a feature length film.
Previously, we’ve taken a look at some of the things that go into movie making and feature length just means you are going to need more of all the usual elements. Let’s start with what it takes to get a movie going; you need a script. A proper formatted script runs about 1 minute per page. The going standard for a feature film is 90 minutes give or take a few. That means you have to come up with 90 pages of dialogue, directions, and camera moves. That alone is a daunting task, so when you add all the other elements of production like page breakdowns, scene sheets, and production board, you have a couple of months invested and haven’t shot a single scene. You’re going to need some help.
People ask me all the time, what makes a B movie or what is a B movie? I explain they are movies that have most of the elements of regular movies, but they suffer from a lack of resources; sometimes that’s just cash. But this week’s movie has some distinctive elements that help identify it as the atypical B movie. For a change, pay close attention to the opening credits on this one. There are a lot people involved in dragging this one out into the light, and a lot of them seem to have the same last name; and it isn’t Spielberg or Scott.
The Galaxy Invader 1985
Director, Writer, Producer, Editor, Best Boy, Bad Boy (it goes on forever) | |
The Main Players | |
Joe Montague | |
Carol Montague | |
J.J. Montague | |
David Harmon | |
Ethel Montague |
Synopsis:
A reptilian alien has spaceship trouble and is forced to crash land on earth. Too bad he didn’t crash near Area51 where he would have faced horrible experiments and tests; perhaps even dissection. Yup, too bad because he winds up crashing in the sticks of Maryland
Review:
We shouldn’t be too hard on poor Don Dohler (RIP) since he is a bit of a legend in the junky sci-fi horror movie genre. When I first came across this gem I was sure it was just a single effort, but I’ve looked into Dohler’s movie career and he’s made a few. But, for now we will just focus on this tale of alien versus hillbillies and all the things so bad about it. Sort of hard to know where to start, but this one wastes no time in getting to the bad stuff. Right out of the gate we get to see a young man out in the countryside witness a strange fireball in the sky. Most night time fireballs are essentially strange, but one that does loops and dips before it crashes over the horizon is certainly worth mentioning. I guess I should also mention that at no time does it even sort of look real. I suggest drinking lots first or borrow your buddy’s thick glasses to help with the illusion.
The young man is David and he calls up his old astronomy professor Dr Tracy to come and check it out. At this point we get to meet America
Joe, J.J. and the rest of the family excluding Ma, run around chirping out their dialogue like they are reading it off a card; and it’s a small card. Seriously, you don’t get the sense that anyone is buying any of this until we get close to the end. Even later in the plot it starts to seem like the best performance in this is the guy in the rubber lizard suit. It’s a very limited costume with not much in the way of servos or other gizmos to make facial expressions. It doesn’t help that the lizard guy seems to emote the most out of the cast unless you consider chugging on a bottle of Jack Daniels an emotional expression (and that’s not just a joke, because Joe spends a lot of his time running around with a bottle of Jack). Of course, you do get the idea that they love their guns; a lot. So what kind of cake do you get with these crazy ingredients?
David sees the ship crash and calls up Doc Tracy who’s coming from the big city and won’t be there for hours. Meanwhile at Montague Manor, Joe is crapping on his kids when his daughter runs away. Joe and J.J. go after her and they meet the Lizardman. Joe calls in Frank, the local shifty get rich guy who decides they should capture the alien, but they the help of the dumbest guys in town; the guys don’t disappoint. Joe and Frank use the locals like Capt. Kirk uses guys in red shirts in a battle to capture the alien. They get him but not without losses. David and the Doc rescue the alien and Doc gets shot by Joe and the Alien kills Frank in turn. Now I don’t want to spoil the movie for you, that was Don Dohler’s job. Let’s just say Joe gets what he deserves and so does his abused family.
Lessons Learned:
- Fireballs in the night sky can do some impressive acrobatics.
- Even dumb hillbillies know how to let even dumber ones lead the way.
- This movie was loosely based on Romeo and Juliette for about 30 seconds.
- There’s a lot of Dohlers in the
- Even aliens get tired of rednecks at some point.
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