Director:
Alfonso Brescia (as Al Bradly)
Writers:
Alfonso Brescia (story) (as Al
Bradly), Aldo Crudo (story) (as Alan Rawton)
Stars:
Synopsis:
Earth’s leading expert in genetics and longevity is kidnapped
along with his assistant by aliens from a world with a dying population and no
future in the hopes that he can solve their problems, but back home he’s left
his latest work in the atomic oven that if left unchecked will destroy
everything in 8 days.
Review:
We start off with very little information on this one
except to say, that despite all of the efforts of producers to spoil things, we
still wind up with the notion the setting is some time in the future (I hope it
isn’t mine). I could be giving them too much credit, since the word ‘Robots’ is
in the title. You have to see this one to appreciate just how utterly
unsophisticated their attempts were at bringing this future to the big screen.
Now I don’t want to spoil the magic for anyone who hasn’t seen this one, but
consider when you watch the blurry white blobs bouncing on a string in front of
a black velvet backdrop try to imagine those that put up 4 or 5 bucks to watch
this just one year after that stunning giant space ship that flew over your
head in Star Wars. Then they decided to
hammer the point home with some sort of cheesy giant screen lava lamp reporting
that their security satellites have detected a breach or something like that in
Italian.
Eventually they have to show us what caused the security
alert, so we get to see a bunch of Robot men in gold suits with matching blonde
golden locks, each sporting a Buster Brown hairdo. If you understand that
reference it could be much more of a commentary of your sad life, and you
should be out doing grown up stuff instead of being trapped by nonsense like
this. It is both a curse and a joy to force myself into enduring these gems for
others. A thankless job, but still a job and that’s how I explain to my wife
when she asks why I watch this stuff. Plus I could say it’s better than doing
the dishes, but this one would be pushing the line hard.
As usual for these sorts of things, it all comes down to
our big space hero Captain John Boyd and his special space team that don’t seem
to do all that much other than follow him around. Of course there is a bit of a
side drama going on with one of the girls on his crew waiting for him to notice
her while he has a thing for the kidnapped professor’s assistant Lois. As a bit
of a minimal spoiler, the professor and his assistant change what side their on
so often it almost registers as a subplot until you start to realize it doesn’t
matter one bit, but that happens much later on. In the mean time you have to
suffer watching them battle more stuff hanging from a wire until their ship is damaged
forcing them to land on a near planet with an atmosphere remarkably similar to
earth’s. This turns out to be the perfect place to make some repairs to their
ship while doing a bit of spelunking in the nearby caverns.
They don’t get far into the caves before having to fend off
a bunch of thugs with hoods to conceal that a thick membrane to protect them
from radiation covers their eyes. The fighting is stopped when their leader
Kuba, with his normal eyes intervenes to question the strangers, but is
interrupted when the Gold Robot guys arrive to attack the locals, or are they
after Boyd and his crew: we will never know. Even though Kuba and his people
wanted to beat the truth out of them, Captain Boyd decides they should get
involved and teach those gold guys a lesson that can only be delivered by their
flashlight guns (the only way to describe them, they look like someone stuck a
pistol grip on a flashlight and the special effect is when they light up). Kuba
is impressed with their weapons for some reason, and is convinced his suspicions were wrong. He
also learns about their mission and they bring him along to help, because he
just happened to have been a captive laborer on the bad guy’s planet and he
knows his way around the palace.
I won’t bore you with the specific details other than to
say the professor changes sides so much you will be left bewildered. The thing
to take note at this point is just how much this movie stole from others rather
than sticking to a single idea. Even one of the posters for this film is a rip
off of a scene in 2001, but it doesn’t stop there. At one point the flashlight
guns stop working so they bring out the light/laser swords and I simply cannot
describe how unimpressive as well as ineffective they are. Just when you think
the stolen material is over they start stealing from Battlestar Galactica when
suddenly a bunch of little fighter jet space ships come shooting out the ass of
the main ship. That gives them a chance to zip around chasing each other
shooting more light and crap. It doesn’t make a lot of sense at this point, but
that could be the point. Was it ever meant to make sense? I won’t tell you how
it ends, because I don’t remember or I don’t remember if I watched the end. You
might like it, you might laugh at it, or like me you might just give up and let
it die.
Lessons Learned:
- The future looks sad, but the cars are cool and
hideaway headlights are back in.
- Just because your eyes are closed over doesn’t mean you
don’t cut eyeholes in your mask.
- If you meet an alien and he says he knows the way,
bring him along.
- Nothing says robot like a bad haircut.
- If someone says, “Push the red button,” don’t do it.
