Blog # 21 Them!

Sci-fi has been around a long time.  I don’t think anyone can pin point an exact start, but we can estimate when it sort of went mainstream.  Looking back it seems like nuclear testing spawned more wild imagination than anything else.  When the atomic age arrived it seemed like there was almost nothing science couldn't do, or in the case of Sci-fi be blamed for.  The only thing I know for sure is that atomic kills even when that wasn't part of the plan.  All my life they've been saying the future is going to be amazing; I hope it gets here soon.

Them!

Director	Gordon Douglas
The Main Players
James Whitmore	Police Sgt. Ben Peterson
Edmund Gwenn	Dr. Harold Medford
Joan Weldon	Dr. Patricia 'Pat' Medford
James Arness	Robert Graham

Synopsis: 

            Experimental nuclear weapon testing in the south-western US deserts accidentally creates giant ants looking for a place to call home where their freakish nature will blend in; Los Angeles or bust.

Review:

            This is a good movie with a strong plot based on something that is basically impossible, but Hollywood never lets reality get in the way.  The premise of nuclear radiation making things grow to impossible sizes comes from a time when the science of radiation was tossed around the same table as alchemy.  Crazy bad science aside there are some solid performances by James Whitmore and James Arness.  Arness has been a pivotal character in the first Frozenmukluk review also of a not so bad, bad movie The Thing From Another World. So we know the acting is great.  What’s wrong with the movie?

            The only problem is the stars, and the sad truth is that the two James are not the stars; giant ants are.  That’s where the fun comes in.  This movie was way ahead of its time as in long before CGI.  They could have used a little stop motion miniature work on this one, but instead opted for larger than life, less than animatronic puppets of giant ants.  Generally I’m not a big fan of re-makes unless you can bring something new other than an updated look.  This movie is an excellent candidate for just that.  A bit of SFX beyond fire could go a long way to making this one a bit more exciting.

 The only thing the ants do convincingly is burn when confronted with flame throwers.  You can’t really ask for more than that from any insect monster.  Of course we can’t forget the incessant irritating sound they make when nearby.  It’s a cross between a squeaky wheel and the compressor of an AC unit in need of new bearings.  I don’t know if it’s Exorcist scary, but it sure is damned annoying and that has to count for something.  Plus it gives that subtle foreshadowing like a good smack in the back of the head that something is about to happen.

As for the story it’s quite simple.  It starts with the ants stirring up shit in the dessert by attacking people and some livestock going missing.  Eventually scientists are brought in and despite the idea of giant ants being a bit out there, the search is on.  They begin an air search of the area where they think the ants might be and find a giant ant hill full of giant ants.  I was sort of disappointed when they start chucking poison gas canisters into the colony when I was secretly hoping they would have a giant magnifying glass hanging from the helicopter.  The least they could have done was give their group a cool name like Radioactive Ant Interdiction Detachment.

The operation to do in the ants seems like a success until they soon realize a couple of queens got away.  The flying queens took off and made their way to parts unknown for a while.  Ultimately the ants set up shop in Los Angeles using the LA River aqua duct system as a sort of pre made colony.  We can only assume this was a cost cutting measure to bring location shoots closer to the studio.   To make things worse throw in a couple of kids lost in the tunnels, and a fretful mother waiting outside for them.  They went in with their dad but hey, two out of three aint bad. Once again it’s up to our heroes to go back in and make the ants do what they do best.  Burn baby burn.

             

Lessons Learned:

• Unlike their speedy little buddies, giant ants do just about everything slowly.
• The Ant Bully was full of crap, those things sound nothing like Julia Roberts.
• Even giant ants dig sugar, just a hell of a lot more of it.
• You can get locked up just for seeing a flying giant ant.
• We've been using radiation to shrink things, but are we using it wrong?
• This movie makes it more fun to step on them.

Blog # 20 Sharktopus

I’ve picked on a lot oldies and some were good, but they all shared the same common dilemma in production; they didn’t have a lot of money.  Then there are some films having tremendous resources without tremendous results.  What happens when producers and directors set out to make something bad?  If it isn’t bad does that make it a failure, or could it become an accident?  You will just have to decide for yourself.

Sharktopus (2010)

Director	Antonio Margheriti
The Main Players
Eric Roberts	Nathan Sands
Kerem Bursin	Andy Flynn
Sara Malakul Lane	Nicole Sands
Liv Boughn	Stacy Everheart

Synopsis: 

            The unholy splicing of genetic material from a killer shark and gravity defying octopus culminates in a creature on a killing spree after its mad scientist creator employed by the military losses electronic remote control over it.  (Wow!  That was cleaver.  Eat it IMDB.)

Review:

            Is there some sort of special entrance exam to become a genetic scientist?  Did anyone think of just putting a little question and the start of the application like do you plan on making a hybrid between two deadly creatures to make something unstoppable with an incurable taste for human flesh?  I took communication and there was an ethics component in every class.  Do these guys sit around saying I can’t wait for grad because I’m going to make the most hideous killing machine ever?

            Nathan Sands is that kind of guy.  With his previous military/scientist partner he created shaktopus so the Navy could have something to replace former SEAL Jessie Ventura (would have been a better film with him in it).  During testing sharktapus has its version of the invisible fence dog collar clipped off when encountering the propeller of a boat, and the plot is set into motion.  Sharktopus is confused and struggles with an identity crisis trying to determine what instincts to follow.  Like a confused mini-wheat it can’t decide to let the sweet octopus side pick meals, or will it be the shark side be setting the menu.  When you toss a coin in the air and it lands on the side there’s only one option left; eat people wherever you can find them.  In this case it’s off the coast of Mexico where people go missing often and it usually gets blamed on poor vacation planning.

            I hope you like CGI, because if they took it out of this one there wouldn’t be much to see.  This film was so bad I’m not even sure if Eric Roberts was real.  Like sharktopus he looked real but didn’t act like him.  You can’t even be sure if the water was real.  The only thing I saw that couldn’t be disputed was the images reflecting in the LCD screen during a cross fade; that guy looked seriously confused.  The only part that made any real sense was when Andy was asked to come out of retirement to help because he was the only one who could do it.  After shooting that thing with guns, grenades, and tranquilizer darts he fights it off with a big stick.  Why didn’t they think of that sooner?

Lessons Learned:

• Adding on eight tentacles to a shark does not improve killing efficiency; still just one nugget at a time.
• How long until this thing can get to the Jersey Shore and does it take requests.
• This thing would make Marineland so much more interesting.
• Might have been a lot more fun if they had made the head part from the tentacles and that beak thing.
• Take a few minutes to visit the IMDB and read the absurd notes by nerds picking apart the authenticity of Sharktopus.  Crazy man!  That would be like creating a two hour PowerPoint presentation on how you don’t use a hammer to fix a Rolex; no point to it.

Blog # 19 The Wild, Wild Planet

Long before the Looney did its version of the swan dive dipping so far below the value of the U.S. dollar that it made West Coast Canada look like the new Hollywood, there were other places in the world suitable for cheap film making.  Italy was the birthplace of the spaghetti western that helped create the legend of Clint Eastwood.  Like they say, you have to churn out a lot of crap before you get a masterpiece.  This isn’t a masterpiece but it might be a piece.

The Wild, Wild Planet (I criminali della galassia) (1965)

Director	Antonio Margheriti
The Main Players
Tony Russel	Cmdr. Mike Halstead
Lisa Gastoni	Lt. Connie Gomez
Massimo Serato	Mr. Nurmi
Carlo Giustini	Ken, Lieutenant

Synopsis: 

            The commander of an orbiting space station is recruited to become the chief of a special task force leading terrestrial authorities in the hunt for who or whatever is responsible for the mysterious disappearances of people on a daily basis that’s growing exponentially.  (Did I mention space chicks play a big role?)

Review:

            Listen up helium head.  Yes friends, the depiction of your cranium filled with an inert gas is what passes for putting down one of your friends in jest in this very bleak and boring picture of our future.  In this one, our future looks like something inspired by Lego and Meccano but without all the fancy bits.  We are supposed to be wooed by the introduction of some crappie looking monorail thing that’s essentially just a Chinook helicopter model with the rotors removed and suspended on a wire.  What wonders await us?

            We start off in orbit around the earth on the standard sci-fi spinning doughnut space station where our hero Cmdr Mike Halstead is putting up with an annoying scientist Mr. Nurmi conducting medical experiments by growing human organs.  Nurmi is a solid knob easily rating 9.5 on the updated Richter Knob scale.  This guy’s mad scientist ego would make Marry Shelly shake her head a few times, and she invented the best.  When you’re on some other guy’s space station it isn’t advisable to hit on his woman, but Nurmi can’t help himself when he catches a glimpse of Lt. Connie Gomez.  He wants to get together with her real bad, but not in the way you might think; more creepiness later.

            Eventually Mike will have to rescue her from Nurmi, but in the meantime he is sent to Earth so he can head up a special task force charged with discovering why people keep going missing.  It’s quite comical.  Incredibly great looking models wander around with dorky looking guys with black capes and ball caps and abducting people by shrinking them down to doll size for transport.  It kind of makes sense in the end if only because the close ups are so comical and at one point they rescue a guy when he’s only half shrunk.  Even in the Italian version of Hollywood there is no shortage of jobs for dwarfs. 

            I’ll spare you the ridiculous chase scene where the cars look like bicycles with kayaks mounted on them, or the idiotic rescue of the Cmdr by flying machines functioning in a way best described as YoYo drive.  Skipping right to the end we learn Nurmi has a plan for him and Connie involving more than just sharing a few tender moments.  His intention is the grafting of their two bodies together in a hermaphroditic union creating a super being, or a novelty act.  Either way it’s not a good thing but Mike manages to stop him just in time.  Man I hope they make a remake of this one.  A slight adjustment to the ending and we would get to hear Arnold say, “Hey Nurmi.  Go F@#% Yourself!”  Cinema the art form at its best.

             

Lessons Learned:

• Space Stations have the coolest discos with real starlight.
• Lasers and blowtorches look and work very similar in the future.
• It’s better than waking up in a motel bathtub packed with ice and missing a kidney.
• Even in the future airport scanners can pick up the little people in your carry-on. 
• How much to have something enlarged?
• Experimental dance/theatre is just as dumb and boring in the future as it is now.
• How the hell did Star Trek happen after these idiots?

Blog #18 Devil Girl from Mars

The ‘50s were strange times.  Progress in technology was so fast that if you got off the grid for a few days you were lost when you got back.  Everyone was trying to reinvent the toaster or blender while marketers discovered good old mom was becoming the most important decision maker in household purchases.  But the space age was the new opium of the masses with everyone looking to the sky to see strange unexplainable things; nothing but space chicks.  Are you ready to breed earth-man?  

Devil Girl from Mars (1954)

Director	David MacDonald
The Main Players
Patricia Laffan	Nyah
Hugh McDermott	Michael Carter
Hazel Court	Ellen Prestwick
Peter Reynolds	Robert Justin, alias Albert Simpson

Synopsis: 

            At a small inn on the Scottish Highlands the battle for Earth’s sovereignty will be decided by a couple of stuffy scientists, an escaped convict, and a semi-hot older chick in red leather looking to score guys; all of them.

Review:

            Ok.  This movie is complicated, but not because of clever plot devices or complex characters.  No, it’s complicated because it doesn’t make much sense beyond the basics.  Simply put, a bunch of people stuck at a small inn on the Highlands are visited by a whacked out space broad looking for a few good men, or more accurately men in general.  In her fancy futuristic spaceship (it’s made of metal and that’s enough for these guys) she’s travelled from Mars in search of men to replace the breeding stock back home.

            Our story opens at the inn where an escaped convict has arrived seeking to hide and meet up with his old flame.  At the same time a couple of scientists show up looking for a meteor, and they need a place to stay due to the fog.  There’s also a young kid (smartest in the bunch) just to add some tension when he goes missing.  This beginning isn’t just long, it’s boring as well.  Eventually there is a flash in the sky and they are left wondering if something has crashed nearby.

            Enter Nyah, bimbo from Mars.  In fact, Nyah isn’t much of a bimbo after all.  For most of the movie she struts around the outside and inside of the inn pontificating about how inferior earth people are; but men could serve a purpose back on Mars.  She explains how the war of the sexes on her home world has left a shortage of males.  Her mission is to acquire functional souvenirs as breeding stock for the future.  I guess they want the war to continue.  For the most part, they all seem frightened by the alien dominatrix, but then for a moment it almost seems like a few of them are hoping for tryouts. That might have made the movie a lot more interesting.  Another lost opportunity.

            Well it all sort of drones on for a while with Nyah proclaiming how much more powerful she is than her captives followed by her demonstrating it over and over.  She brings out her giant robot that looks a hell of a lot like a refrigerator having it blast trees and cars to get the point across.  I think she had them at giant robot, but what would the special effects guys do?  As she brags on about her superiority she shows a few of them what powers her ship, and at the same time accidentally shows them how to destroy it.

            Skipping past the nonsense it has become quite apparent someone will sacrifice themselves to save the world.  One of our heroes volunteers to go with her and once her guard is down, blows up her ship.  There are only two problems with this great plan.  It’s based on the assumption that if they foil Nyah it will be then end of any interest from Mars invading Earth.  That would be like calling off the invasion on D Day because your first scout got killed and didn’t make it back.  The second issue would be why didn’t they do that in the first 30 minutes, so I could have watched something else?  Why do I do this to myself?

             

Lessons Learned:

• The Devil Girl from Mars wears nothing but red.  Aren’t you glad we have rainbows.
• On Mars, every night is Ladies Night.
• Walk softly and carry a big honking Killer Robot.
• Invisible force fields hurt just like the regular ones.
• Even the Devil Girl from Mars couldn’t get a parking spot in London.
• Just think of this…Long before there was Spider-man on Broadway, London had Devil Girl from Mars on the stage (the movie was adapted from the original stage play).

Blog #17 - Queen of Outer Space (1958)

These days it seems we are plagued by a strange new creature feeding off our culture of almost pagan like idolatry of the celebrity.   Of course, I speak of the famous celebrity that is famous simply for being famous.  These are parasites upon our way of life sucking away the attention span of those seeking to better their situation, and dreaming of a life where they are rich, famous, and want for nothing because they have it all.  Even worse yet, is the adoring child of the celebrities featured in magazines managed by editors that are so misguided that they think we actually give a shit when little Surie goes out shoe shopping with mommy.  What’s the point of all this?  I just want you to know the talentless hack of the tabloids and entertainment shows is no new invention.

            This installment features one of the original do nothing gold diggers of all time.  Making poorly spoken cameos and endless appearances on talk shows along with a matrimonial list that reads like a CV is not a reason to be famous.  The star of our feature movie became an expert at being the inexplicable centre of misguided curiosity for more than 4 decades, and unfortunately her ability to cling to life keeps some interest in the general population.  So when Zsa Zsa Gabor finally does kick the bucket we can expect her to claim the tabloids and trades one last time.  When you’re with your friend, lover, or acquaintance and they say oh my, I had no idea she was still alive.  Holy shit!  Whatever you do, don’t ask who she was.  I see a grueling and relentless 6 hour Green Acres marathon in your future.  Waterboarding at Gitmo would be a damned site more humane, and make sure you give my regards to Arnold.

Queen of Outer Space

Director	Edward Bernds
The Main Players
Zsa Zsa Gabor	Talleah
Eric Fleming	Capt. Neal Patterson
Dave Willock	Lt. Mike Cruze
Laurie Mitchell	Queen Yllana

Synopsis: 

            Three astronauts on a mission to deliver an important scientist to the earth orbiting space station are diverted by the destruction of the station, and carried off by the mysterious weapon of destruction only to land on the women ruled planet of Venus.   

Review:

            No, this movie was not written by a 14 year old.  In fact, a story credit is given to Ben Hecht, an Academy Award winning writer with a mega list of writing credits to his name.  He is known as one of Hollywood’s greatest screenwriters.  The story goes that one night at a party when he was very drunk, Hecht spouted out an idea for a film where American space men land on a planet full of nothing but horny women.  Someone took the idea and ran with it.  Hecht sued and received a story credit.  As talented as Hecht was, it appears as though he had little else to do with the project and the producers tried to stay true to his inebriated vision.

            Our intrepid heroes wearing uniforms on loan from Forbidden Planet find themselves suddenly catapulted across our solar system to the lush jungle/arctic paradise of Venus thanks to some fiendish weapon closely resembling scratches on the film stock.  Capt. Patterson has his hands full with his two hipster subordinates and an astrophysicist, Professor Konrad, in tow.  Mike and Larry are obviously just along for the ride and the chicks, but space travel is Konrad’s reason for existence.  He takes it all quite well when their being able to walk around the jungles of Venus with little more than a groovy jump suit dispels his entire lifes work.  I think all the small talk they make helps show how comfortable they are with being stranded many million miles from home, and no possible way of getting back.  What to do?  I know.  Let’s build a nice camp fire and just chill.

            When morning comes they are easily taken by surprise when the warrior women of Venus come calling.  That’s understandable I guess since nothing should be living there let alone a bunch of tall fashion models in very short skirts.  As captives they are marched before the Queen and learn the planet is inhabited by women alone because men were seen to be too war like and probably didn’t clean up after themselves enough.  Chalk one up for women’s lib and the short skirt industry.  Of course, we learn this idea of banishing men was mostly the idea of the Queen and does not accurately reflect all of their fallopian society.  Some just can’t seem to get by without the idea of grabbing onto a man, and bleeding him for everything he’s got; enter Zsa Zsa.

            Talleah (Zsa Zsa) is a confidant of the Queen and has access to all the important contrived things to help move the plot along.  As I’m sure you’ve guessed by now, our hero space adventurers have won over a few of the women with their groovy charm.  In fact, their corny 50’s pickup bar lingo is enough to inspire an all-out revolt against the Queen and her disdain for all things manly except, of course, violence.  The only thing these guys have going for them is that it’s the 50’s and women just aren’t that good at being violent.  I guess they ran a bit short on the run time so when Talleah and Captain Patterson do get the drop on the Queen she manages to pull a few cards from her sleeve to turn the tables on them.  I think this power shift goes a few times to stretch things out like a bad game of schoolyard tag.  In the end, the evil Queen is thwarted as well as her plans to destroy the Earth.  Captain Patterson gets to return home with something other than moon rocks.  After a good bout in divorce court with Talleah he might think differently.

             

Lessons Learned:

• Venus is not a gas planet, but it is filled with gas bags.
• Even when sentenced to death on a planet inhabited by only women, guys are still horny.
• Nothing says the future like a gold painted broomhandle mauser.
• The closer you live to the sun, the shorter your skirt gets.
• Even on other planets, dissidents speak with a distinctive Eastern European accent.

Watch the trailer.