These days it seems we are plagued
by a strange new creature feeding off our culture of almost pagan like idolatry
of the celebrity. Of course, I speak of the famous celebrity
that is famous simply for being famous.
These are parasites upon our way of life sucking away the attention span
of those seeking to better their situation, and dreaming of a life where they
are rich, famous, and want for nothing because they have it all. Even worse yet, is the adoring child of the
celebrities featured in magazines managed by editors that are so misguided that
they think we actually give a shit when little Surie goes out shoe shopping
with mommy. What’s the point of all
this? I just want you to know the
talentless hack of the tabloids and entertainment shows is no new invention.
This
installment features one of the original do nothing gold diggers of all
time. Making poorly spoken cameos and
endless appearances on talk shows along with a matrimonial list that reads like
a CV is not a reason to be famous. The
star of our feature movie became an expert at being the inexplicable centre of
misguided curiosity for more than 4 decades, and unfortunately her ability to
cling to life keeps some interest in the general population. So when Zsa Zsa Gabor finally does kick the
bucket we can expect her to claim the tabloids and trades one last time. When you’re with your friend, lover, or
acquaintance and they say oh my, I had no idea she was still alive. Holy shit! Whatever you do, don’t ask who she was. I see a grueling and relentless 6 hour Green Acres marathon in your
future. Waterboarding at Gitmo would be
a damned site more humane, and make sure you give my regards to Arnold.
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Director
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The Main Players
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Talleah
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Capt.
Neal Patterson
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Lt.
Mike Cruze
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Queen
Yllana
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Synopsis:
Three
astronauts on a mission to deliver an important scientist to the earth orbiting
space station are diverted by the destruction of the station, and carried off
by the mysterious weapon of destruction only to land on the women ruled planet
of Venus.
Review:
No, this movie was not written by a
14 year old. In fact, a story credit is
given to Ben Hecht, an Academy Award winning writer with a mega list of writing
credits to his name. He is known as one
of Hollywood’s greatest screenwriters.
The story goes that one night at a party when he was very drunk, Hecht
spouted out an idea for a film where American space men land on a planet full
of nothing but horny women. Someone took
the idea and ran with it. Hecht sued and
received a story credit. As talented as
Hecht was, it appears as though he had little else to do with the project and
the producers tried to stay true to his inebriated vision.
Our intrepid heroes wearing uniforms
on loan from Forbidden Planet find
themselves suddenly catapulted across our solar system to the lush
jungle/arctic paradise of Venus thanks to some fiendish weapon closely
resembling scratches on the film stock.
Capt. Patterson has his hands full with his two hipster subordinates and
an astrophysicist, Professor Konrad, in tow.
Mike and Larry are obviously just along for the ride and the chicks, but
space travel is Konrad’s reason for existence.
He takes it all quite well when their being able to walk around the
jungles of Venus with little more than a groovy jump suit dispels his entire
lifes work. I think all the small talk
they make helps show how comfortable they are with being stranded many million
miles from home, and no possible way of getting back. What to do?
I know. Let’s build a nice camp
fire and just chill.
When morning comes they are easily
taken by surprise when the warrior women of Venus come calling. That’s understandable I guess since nothing
should be living there let alone a bunch of tall fashion models in very short skirts. As captives they are marched before the Queen
and learn the planet is inhabited by women alone because men were seen to be
too war like and probably didn’t clean up after themselves enough. Chalk one up for women’s lib and the short
skirt industry. Of course, we learn this
idea of banishing men was mostly the idea of the Queen and does not accurately
reflect all of their fallopian society.
Some just can’t seem to get by without the idea of grabbing onto a man,
and bleeding him for everything he’s got; enter Zsa Zsa.
Talleah (Zsa Zsa) is a confidant of
the Queen and has access to all the important contrived things to help move the
plot along. As I’m sure you’ve guessed
by now, our hero space adventurers have won over a few of the women with their groovy
charm. In fact, their corny 50’s pickup
bar lingo is enough to inspire an all-out revolt against the Queen and her
disdain for all things manly except, of course, violence. The only thing these guys have going for them
is that it’s the 50’s and women just aren’t that good at being violent. I guess they ran a bit short on the run time
so when Talleah and Captain Patterson do get the drop on the Queen she manages
to pull a few cards from her sleeve to turn the tables on them. I think this power shift goes a few times to
stretch things out like a bad game of schoolyard tag. In the end, the evil Queen is thwarted as well
as her plans to destroy the Earth.
Captain Patterson gets to return home with something other than moon
rocks. After a good bout in divorce
court with Talleah he might think differently.
Lessons Learned:
- Venus is not a gas planet, but it is filled with
gas bags.
- Even when sentenced to death on a planet inhabited
by only women, guys are still horny.
- Nothing says the future like a gold painted broomhandle
mauser.
- The closer you live to the sun, the shorter your
skirt gets.
- Even on other planets, dissidents speak with a
distinctive Eastern European accent.
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