Blog # 20 Sharktopus

I’ve picked on a lot oldies and some were good, but they all shared the same common dilemma in production; they didn’t have a lot of money.  Then there are some films having tremendous resources without tremendous results.  What happens when producers and directors set out to make something bad?  If it isn’t bad does that make it a failure, or could it become an accident?  You will just have to decide for yourself.

Sharktopus (2010)

Director	Antonio Margheriti
The Main Players
Eric Roberts	Nathan Sands
Kerem Bursin	Andy Flynn
Sara Malakul Lane	Nicole Sands
Liv Boughn	Stacy Everheart

Synopsis: 

            The unholy splicing of genetic material from a killer shark and gravity defying octopus culminates in a creature on a killing spree after its mad scientist creator employed by the military losses electronic remote control over it.  (Wow!  That was cleaver.  Eat it IMDB.)

Review:

            Is there some sort of special entrance exam to become a genetic scientist?  Did anyone think of just putting a little question and the start of the application like do you plan on making a hybrid between two deadly creatures to make something unstoppable with an incurable taste for human flesh?  I took communication and there was an ethics component in every class.  Do these guys sit around saying I can’t wait for grad because I’m going to make the most hideous killing machine ever?

            Nathan Sands is that kind of guy.  With his previous military/scientist partner he created shaktopus so the Navy could have something to replace former SEAL Jessie Ventura (would have been a better film with him in it).  During testing sharktapus has its version of the invisible fence dog collar clipped off when encountering the propeller of a boat, and the plot is set into motion.  Sharktopus is confused and struggles with an identity crisis trying to determine what instincts to follow.  Like a confused mini-wheat it can’t decide to let the sweet octopus side pick meals, or will it be the shark side be setting the menu.  When you toss a coin in the air and it lands on the side there’s only one option left; eat people wherever you can find them.  In this case it’s off the coast of Mexico where people go missing often and it usually gets blamed on poor vacation planning.

            I hope you like CGI, because if they took it out of this one there wouldn’t be much to see.  This film was so bad I’m not even sure if Eric Roberts was real.  Like sharktopus he looked real but didn’t act like him.  You can’t even be sure if the water was real.  The only thing I saw that couldn’t be disputed was the images reflecting in the LCD screen during a cross fade; that guy looked seriously confused.  The only part that made any real sense was when Andy was asked to come out of retirement to help because he was the only one who could do it.  After shooting that thing with guns, grenades, and tranquilizer darts he fights it off with a big stick.  Why didn’t they think of that sooner?

Lessons Learned:

• Adding on eight tentacles to a shark does not improve killing efficiency; still just one nugget at a time.
• How long until this thing can get to the Jersey Shore and does it take requests.
• This thing would make Marineland so much more interesting.
• Might have been a lot more fun if they had made the head part from the tentacles and that beak thing.
• Take a few minutes to visit the IMDB and read the absurd notes by nerds picking apart the authenticity of Sharktopus.  Crazy man!  That would be like creating a two hour PowerPoint presentation on how you don’t use a hammer to fix a Rolex; no point to it.