Don’t you just love the pendulum effect? It swings one way and then goes right to opposite end. That’s what happens when I tell you about a fantastic movie like The Killer Elite; I have to balance it out with something amazingly horrible. I love that movie so it should be no surprise that watching todays selection will hurt. Your senses and common sense will be attacked in a way you never thought possible.
This time we take a trip back to the height of Japanese movie making. It was a good thirty years until decent CGI, and Japanese studios were at the forefront of current technology. That’s right! I’m talking about rubber monster suits second to none. Were they super advanced, or was it just a case of no one else doing it. I don’t know the answer to that, but I’m glad they didn’t let something as trivial as good taste or sensibility stand in their way.
Director
| |
The Main Players
| |
Akio
| |
Tom
| |
Barbella
| |
Florbella
|
Synopsis:
Two young boys encounter a flying saucer parked in the woods near their home. After entering they are whisked away to another planet where two space girls are intent on eating their brains. (not brains)
Review:
Tom and Akio are just a couple of young fun loving boys from…..well we never really know, but for now let’s just say Earth. While stargazing with their telescope a flying saucer catches their eye as they watch it descend not far from Akiko’s home. In the morning they bike over to check it out and are amazed to see they were right. The small spaceship is there and the boys dare to enter. Akio starts messing with the buttons and suddenly they are flying up into beyond.
They soon realize it wasn’t actually something they did and the ship is under remote control. On their way to wherever the ship is going, they are greeted by their favourite monster. Gamera comes flying by and saves them from an asteroid. You might want to sit for this one. Gamera is the special sort of patron monster of children. To put it simple, he is a giant flying space snapping turtle. He retracts his legs and tail, then jet engine flames come shooting out of the holes. He flies through space like other turtles swim through water, which turns out to be kind of funny when he does wind up in water and almost drowns; zero atmosphere is space is fine though.
Turns out the boys have travelled to a star (that’s what they call planets in this movie) on the opposite side of the sun. Once there they find a sort of city with little matter transport booths so you don’t have to walk anywhere. They get to watch a couple of local monster go at each other when a flying thing shows up and a monster called Guiron battle it out. Guiron is impressive looking like a lizard with a Ginsu knife for a nose. Akio and Tom manage to get inside one of the buildings to get away from the battle and they get to meet Barbella and Florbella who are happy to see them. What do space aliens from our sister planet wear. Green spandex and tinsel with a painted old time motorcycle helmet sporting antennae.
It doesn’t take long for the girls to hypnotize the boys and question them about the secrets of earth. Under the spell they mostly fantasize about doughnuts and milk and don’t have many answers about earth. Barbella and Florbella soon realize this method isn’t getting them anywhere. They decide the only way to get the info they need is to eat Akio and Toms brain raw and absorb all of their knowledge. Seems like the right thing to do. Once they know everything there is about baseball cards and why girls are so icky, the Earth will be easy pickings.
I won’t spoil the end for you (like that’s possible) but I can say, Gamera shows up to save them and beat the crap out of Guiron because he really deserves it. Having Japanese throwing stars come shooting out of your nasal passages is not fair. It isn’t easy for Gamera because Guiron is seriously nasty but thanks to some quick moves, using a long boulder as a throwing star bat, and his gymnastic ability on the parallel bar (I’m not kidding) saves the day, or whatever the hell time it is on the other side of the sun. Extended exposure to this sort of stuff isn’t good for you. My head hurts now.
Lessons Learned:
- There are worse things in space than giant turtles.
- Giant Turtles do not have giant pecans in them.
- When the waterfall starts running backwards, get nervous.
- Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles are not the only half shelled gymnasts.
- And, apparently pizza stunts your growth, and space travel worthiness.
No comments:
Post a Comment