Blog #10 - Curse of Big Foot

            What’s worse than being embarrassed?  OK, dead is worse but then you don’t get to really feel it; or that’s what we think.  Have you ever seen something so embarrassing that you felt embarrassed for the person suffering it?  It’s like when you watch someone suffering some horrible act in the movie and you just can’t watch.  For example, I drowned once when I was a kid taking in a lung full of water.  I didn’t pass out, and my rescue was just being pulled from the pool and coughing it all out.  But still, I can remember the moments of panic knowing it was about to happen and I couldn’t stop it.  To this day I can’t watch movies where people are drowning or about to.  So not everyone has drowned, but everyone has been embarrassed at some point in their life.

            We all know what it’s like to be embarrassed.  It’s a primal emotion shared in every facet or version of human culture.  We even think some of our pets feel that way from time to time.  I’ve seen my dogs do something stupid and I could swear they sort of look away with their head down in shame like they embarrassed themselves.  I’ve seen acting done so well combined with writing so strong that I’ve felt the embarrassment for the character and feel like I can’t watch it anymore.  Curse of Bigfoot is not that kind of movie.  When you watch it, and I dare you too, the feeling of embarrassment for everyone involved in it will be overwhelming.  Only after watching will you understand what the curse is.

           

No poster this time.

Curse of Bigfoot (T.V. 1978)

Director	Dave Flocker
The Main Players
Bob Clymire	Roger Mason
Jan Swihart	Sharon
Bill Simonson	Dr. Bill Wyman

Synopsis: 

            This one is so hard but I will do my best.  The Curse of Bigfoot involves a famous Bigfoot hunter addressing a group of high school students after their teacher has spoken at length about the Yeti and where it goes from there…..You will just have to hang on and see.

Review:

            Wow!  Now was that a good Wow or a bad one?  If you guessed the latter, stop on your way back from the fridge and give yourself a cookie.  Who the hell makes a movie called Curse of Big Foot and doesn’t have Big Foot in it.  Holly shit! Not even a cameo.  OK.  So there is a foot in a few scenes but without some object next to it, I can’t say for sure if it was actually big.  Perhaps it was a lesser known cryptozoological creature with a name like Swollen Foot.  Now that I think about it, there wasn’t even a curse.  What the hell!  So plug your nose and get ready for this one.

            We start out just outside some rural home where some heavy mouth breathing creature is lurking in the dark; supposed to be dark but more on that later.  There is a girl, her dog and the creature but nothing happens.  Cut and leap to a classroom where students are listening to their teacher wax on about the paranormal.  As he starts to talk about the Yeti he switches gears and goes into Big Foot and we get to see some old stock film of famous mountaineers and some other crap that makes no sense.  The director is sort of stuck now and what do you do when you film yourself into a corner.  You show 15 minutes of stock footage on logging.  That’s right, 15 minutes of logs floating down the Columbia headed for a paper mill.  I know!  The logs will become the paper the curse is written on.  We should be so lucky.

            With the lesson on the paranormal pulp and paper industry over we go back to the classroom where the kids get to welcome a guest speaker Dr. Bill Wyman.  His claim to fame is his legendary search for Big Foot.  Some kid smirks at the notion and the good Dr. tells him about the horrors of one expedition to find the elusive creature.  He tells them (remember this plot point) about how the creature was so shocking that of the 5 students he took on his big expedition remain in a mental institute to this day.  Makes sense if they were in this movie.  Let’s find out why.

            We are suddenly taken to the desert in the Navajo region where the Dr. and 5 students are on a dig for ancient Indian artefacts.  Eventually they find the entrance to a cave and go in.  They find an Indian mummy, if there is such a thing, and like any kook they decide to take it back with them.  Nothing quite like getting a nice souvenir, and desecrating an ancient burial ground all at the same time.  They dump the mummy in a garden shed and for some strange reason decide to take turns guarding it from God knows what.  Those kids in the ‘60s sure knew how to party.  “Hey Bobby, why don’t you come over and we can play some records and jive?  Don’t forget to bring your ancient Indian mummy.”

            Do I have to tell you it comes to life?  The rest of the movie is just them running around trying to get away from the slowest moving monster you will ever see in a movie.  And let’s talk a moment about the cinematography.  Putting a blue filter on the camera lens and shooting in the middle of the day does not make it look like night time.  Plus when you watch this one you get to see the colour shifting all the time.  Hey nice beige sports coat, oh wait, sorry nice blue...you get the idea.  So how does it all end?  They get the idea to surround themselves with bales of hey soaked down with gasoline and keep buckets of gas near by.  During the exciting conclusion they throw buckets of gas on the attacking monster/mummy and then set it on fire. 

            Now remember this is the incident that sent some of them to the nut house due to the trauma.  The final moments show them standing around the burning monster like he’s a bon fire while they are laughing and joking.  Oh…the horror.  Must have been a wicked case of Post Dramatic Stress Disorder, and the lack of marshmallows sent them right over the edge.  The moral of this story is to never splice unrelated movies together, add stock nature footage and give a title that has nothing to do with it.  But I loved it.

Lessons Learned:

• Big Foot loves logging.
• What’s more frightening than paper masks?
• It’s the little nuances that bring a film to life like arguing about where to get an orange soda pop for 5 long minutes.
• Is Big Foot real?  I’m not sure but you’d think if he was, he’d be suing the asses off these dorks.

Blog #9 - Super Fuzz

            What is funny?  That’s a very complex question, and hard to answer.  Of course, you can always jump to the obvious example of irony, but is irony actually funny of itself or more a result of the circumstances surrounding it.  Alanis wasn’t right and didn’t know what irony is.  A, “No Smoking,” sign on your cigarette break is not ironic unless you happen to work at a cigarette manufacturing plant; and some just wouldn’t find anything involving smoking funny at all.  Still, we’re still stuck with trying to somehow define what funny is.  You see, what’s funny, is important when talking about B movies.  It’s important because for some of them, that’s how we define our enjoyment when watching.  It’s often about the humour found where humour was the last thing on the director’s mind.  So what do we do with an obviously B movie that’s also a comedy?

            That’s the essence of this week’s film Super Fuzz (Poliziotto superpiù), a film that was meant to be funny, but obviously had a budget low enough cement it in B movie lore.  But what’s the lesson here?   What makes this movie so great?  Well obviously talent from the leads, but there’s much more to it.  The film makers knew they didn’t have the kind of budget to make a blockbuster.  Instead, they decided to make the lack of money work to their advantage by purposefully being cheesy whenever possible.  With talent, enthusiasm, and effort they took what should have been a flop and reaped a bit of serious success here in Canada.  I saw this one in the theatre when it came out and knew it was a cheapie, but it was one of the best movies that year.  Just one more gem waiting for you to discover.

           

Super Fuzz (1980)

Director	Sergio Corbucci
The Main Players
Terence Hill	Dave Speed
Ernest Borgnine	Sgt. Willy Dunlop
Joanne Dru	Rosy LaBouche

Synopsis: 

            A rookie cop determined to serve a traffic violation notice travels to a recently abandoned American Indian village now converted to a weapons test range.  When a new type of weapon using red isotopes detonates above him, he is showered by red particles giving him super powers.

Review:

            This movie has a fantastic opening.  It starts just outside the prison walls holding Officer Dave Speed, recently convicted of murdering his supervisor Sgt. Dunlop.  The news reporter says Speed is about to get the electric chair because the three previous attempts to administer justice by hanging, firing squad, and gas failed to finish him.  This is where our hero begins a narrative taking us back to where things started getting strange for him.  It all begins with him trying to do the best job he can.

            Dave wants to deliver a traffic violation to a reclusive Indian who has sought refuge in his swamp village reservation.  He doesn’t realize, until its too late, that the village has been abandoned and sold so it can be used as a weapons test range.  A new weapon using red isotopes is detonated above him and Dave is completely buried in red dust and presumed dead.  A few days later he emerges back in town only to find his boss Dunlop has been busted down to traffic duty as punishment for Dave’s demise.  Just as Dunlop is about to be creamed by a speeding delivery truck, Dave is able, by his will, to prevent the accident.  He has become Super Fuzz.

            Well the rest of the movie is quite predictable and contrived, but that doesn’t mean it isn’t entertaining.  Terence Hill just has a likeable quality that makes almost everything he does on film funny and exciting.  He projects an almost idiot like quality that you’re certain is hiding a genius behind it.  I just can’t figure out a better way to describe it.  I suppose he embodies what we all are at any given time.  Some days you feel like the world is your oyster, and other days we are the person who just isn’t smart enough to work the pull tab on the oyster can.  It means we can identify with Dave Speed.  He’s the kind of person, who when endowed with super powers, does what he can to right the wrongs in the world just like we’d want to.  In short, he’s just a fun great guy, and like they say, it couldn’t have happened to a better person.

Lessons Learned:

• It doesn’t take much to bring down a missile.  The USAF wasted a lot of money on the Patriot.
• A pool can easily be confused with the ocean.
• We didn’t have high expectations for movies in the ‘80s; we didn’t pay that much.
• Never catch a bullet with your teeth; you have no idea where it’s been.

 Watch the Trailer

Blog #8 - The Galaxy Invader

            It’s really hard to make a movie!  I’m not talking about running around with one of those mini HD cam-corders with some of your friends jumping out of the corners and shouting at each other.  Or even worse, you think you can make some introspective deep meaning yapping between a couple of misunderstood youths trying to make their way in the world; make them teenage vampires and I’ll be sick.   And of course, there is the dreaded documentary format where you are certain we want to know everything there is about your Uncle Bob’s lunatic like obsession with HO scale model trains.  No, I’m talking about a feature length film. 

            Previously, we’ve taken a look at some of the things that go into movie making and feature length just means you are going to need more of all the usual elements.  Let’s start with what it takes to get a movie going; you need a script.  A proper formatted script runs about 1 minute per page.  The going standard for a feature film is 90 minutes give or take a few.  That means you have to come up with 90 pages of dialogue, directions, and camera moves.  That alone is a daunting task, so when you add all the other elements of production like page breakdowns, scene sheets, and production board, you have a couple of months invested and haven’t shot a single scene.  You’re going to need some help.

            People ask me all the time, what makes a B movie or what is a B movie?  I explain they are movies that have most of the elements of regular movies, but they suffer from a lack of resources; sometimes that’s just cash.  But this week’s movie has some distinctive elements that help identify it as the atypical B movie.  For a change, pay close attention to the opening credits on this one.  There are a lot people involved in dragging this one out into the light, and a lot of them seem to have the same last name; and it isn’t Spielberg or Scott.

The Galaxy Invader 1985

Director, Writer, Producer, Editor, Best Boy, Bad Boy (it goes on forever)	Don Dohler
The Main Players
Richard Ruxton	Joe Montague
Faye Tilles	Carol Montague
George Stover	J.J. Montague
Greg Dohler	David Harmon
Anne Frith	Ethel Montague

Synopsis: 

            A reptilian alien has spaceship trouble and is forced to crash land on earth.  Too bad he didn’t crash near Area51 where he would have faced horrible experiments and tests; perhaps even dissection.  Yup, too bad because he winds up crashing in the sticks of Maryland where he is pursued relentlessly (if that’s possible) by hillbillies.  Sort of ironic that Lizardman with all his sharp teeth is being hunted down by a group of people who collectively have fewer teeth than one man has toes.

Review:

            We shouldn’t be too hard on poor Don Dohler (RIP) since he is a bit of a legend in the junky sci-fi horror movie genre.  When I first came across this gem I was sure it was just a single effort, but I’ve looked into Dohler’s movie career and he’s made a few.  But, for now we will just focus on this tale of alien versus hillbillies and all the things so bad about it.  Sort of hard to know where to start, but this one wastes no time in getting to the bad stuff.  Right out of the gate we get to see a young man out in the countryside witness a strange fireball in the sky.  Most night time fireballs are essentially strange, but one that does loops and dips before it crashes over the horizon is certainly worth mentioning.  I guess I should also mention that at no time does it even sort of look real.  I suggest drinking lots first or borrow your buddy’s thick glasses to help with the illusion.

            The young man is David and he calls up his old astronomy professor Dr Tracy to come and check it out.  At this point we get to meet America’s original favourite dysfunctional family predating the Bundys, the famous Montagues.  Led by drunken Joe and his number one son J.J., they can’t get through breakfast without having a big blowout.  Joe is a spectacle.  His I.Q. is measured by the number of holes in his tattered white t-shirt; he looks like he’s the smart one in the family.  These are not bright people and they waist no time in letting you know.  Joe and J.J. are the first to encounter the alien who is scary looking but not threatening.  Joe knows a thing or two about interstellar relations and greets our visitor with his shotgun.  You know I’ve said when it comes to the B movies; it’s the actors that make it great.  I feel the need to apologize here; this is not the case.

            Joe, J.J. and the rest of the family excluding Ma, run around chirping out their dialogue like they are reading it off a card; and it’s a small card.  Seriously, you don’t get the sense that anyone is buying any of this until we get close to the end.  Even later in the plot it starts to seem like the best performance in this is the guy in the rubber lizard suit.  It’s a very limited costume with not much in the way of servos or other gizmos to make facial expressions.  It doesn’t help that the lizard guy seems to emote the most out of the cast unless you consider chugging on a bottle of Jack Daniels an emotional expression (and that’s not just a joke, because Joe spends a lot of his time running around with a bottle of Jack).  Of course, you do get the idea that they love their guns; a lot.  So what kind of cake do you get with these crazy ingredients?

            David sees the ship crash and calls up Doc Tracy who’s coming from the big city and won’t be there for hours.  Meanwhile at Montague Manor, Joe is crapping on his kids when his daughter runs away.  Joe and J.J. go after her and they meet the Lizardman.  Joe calls in Frank, the local shifty get rich guy who decides they should capture the alien, but they the help of the dumbest guys in town; the guys don’t disappoint.  Joe and Frank use the locals like Capt. Kirk uses guys in red shirts in a battle to capture the alien.  They get him but not without losses.  David and the Doc rescue the alien and Doc gets shot by Joe and the Alien kills Frank in turn.  Now I don’t want to spoil the movie for you, that was Don Dohler’s job.  Let’s just say Joe gets what he deserves and so does his abused family.

Lessons Learned:

• Fireballs in the night sky can do some impressive acrobatics.
• Even dumb hillbillies know how to let even dumber ones lead the way.
• This movie was loosely based on Romeo and Juliette for about 30 seconds.
• There’s a lot of Dohlers in the Baltimore area.
• Even aliens get tired of rednecks at some point.

Blog #7 - Santa with Muscles

         Can anyone be a movie actor?  Sure, why not?  Anyone can do it, but not everyone can do it well.  Just think back to the classic elementary school play where you, or perhaps a close friend, had the honour of portraying a rock or a tree in the background.  If you can stand still and blend into the back ground then you’re a hit.  An actor has a job to do and that’s it.  Everyone has their part to play, and it is all the parts together that make the magic.  But not all actors are equal.  It starts with the basic background person or extra as they are known.  They just fill in the gaps where needed.  Then there is the bit player, the guy with the clipboard that has two words to say.  It gets harder when you are into the character actor who is an important part of the plot, but also supports your main lead actor.  Sometimes the lead is also known as a star.  So that leaves the question; can anyone be a star and can any star be the lead?  Nope.  Not this week.

            What’s a star?  I guess you would have to say a star is determined by a combination of items not limited to their fame, popularity, and ability to draw a crowd.  Terry Gene (Hulk Hogan) Bollea is certainly a star in the sense he’s well known and draws a crowd.  But that’s for wrestling and not acting.  But wait, (spoiler alert for you hard corps wrestle fans) isn’t most of wrestling a form of athletic based acting?  Shouldn’t Hulk Hogan be able to easily slide from wrestling into acting with just a little extra training?  Sure he can, and he has, but there’s a lot more to being a good actor than standing still and not making noise.  I don’t think the Hulk could do that, and most of us wouldn’t want him to either.  We want to see him act bigger and better than ever, and make us feel like we have connected with him on a personal level; it just has to happen in a movie you are likely to watch.  It can be done.  Just think about Predator and Jesse Ventura.  He made the move from the mat to the screen and eventually, like his co star Arnold, became a governor.  It can be done, but you need the right vehicle to get there; Santa with muscles is the wrong bus.

Santa with Muscles 1996

Director	John Murlowski
The Main Players
Hulk Hogan	Blake
Don Stark	Lenny
Robin Curtis	Leslie
Garrett Morris	Clayton
Aria Noelle Curzon	Elizabeth
Adam Wylie	Taylor

Synopsis: 

            A thrill seeking millionaire on the run from the law disguises himself as a mall Santa Claus, and after hitting his head wakes up with amnesia and believes he is Santa.

Review:

            This is not just a B movie; it’s also a bad movie.  How bad you ask?  It has attained the lofty position on number 56 on the Internet Movie Database (IMDB) list of bottom 100 movies; it’s been on there a long time.  So what makes this one more than just a B movie?  What is it that makes it so bad?  I’d say expectation beyond anything else, because when you sit down and watch it today, it isn’t all that bad.  In fact, it’s kind of cute and likely the best acting Hulk Hogan has done in his film and TV career.  The real problems surface when you realize what kind of talent was around the Hulk at the time, and that they just didn’t do anything to make him look better.  That’s sad and weak.

            Blake (the Hulk) isn’t week by any means.  He’s a body building fitness freak with a vitamin/supplement business worth a fortune.  We’re introduced to him as he practices his skills of assaulting others by acting like a home invading mad man on the staff of his mansion.  At the same time, we learn about the Evil Ebner Frost, a man who will use any means necessary to scoop up various properties in the area.  He has a team of evil doctors with specialties in torture, or at least what passes for torture in what is essentially a kid’s movie.  Making someone sign over the deed to their property by forcing them to smell your farts isn’t what leaps to mind when I think of torture, but…  I told you this is a bad movie and you can’t blame it all on Hulk Hogan.

            At the mall Blake and his mansion staff are on the run from the law because they can’t seem to go anywhere without breaking all the traffic laws.  Blake finds a Santa suit to elude the dumbest police in the world and falls hitting his head.  Enter Lenny, who is one of Santa’s helpers and is tasked with finding a new one to replace the drunken one they have now.  Lenny gets Blake’s wallet and realizes who he really is but since the incredibly rich man has amnesia, he decides to fuel the fantasy rather than help him out.  While Blake is doing his Santa job in the mall a couple of petty thieves try to steal from a charity stand, and Blake gets to show off his skills by thumping the crap out of them to the cheers of young children.  The commotion draws cheers from the crowd, but also the attention of the police still searching for Blake.  All we need now is a really good sub-plot.

            Frost has an obsession with local realty.  He has several key properties on his list and won’t take no for an answer.  So the only property left on Frost’s list is a small orphanage (yes orphanage) and he unleashes his doctors to force the sale.  Who do you think just happens to come down the road as the orphanage is under siege; well Lenny and Blake of course.  Not only did Blake loose his memory, but the bang on the head made him forget what a ruthless and selfish business man he is.  Immediately he defends the orphans and staff sending the evil doctors running back to Frost.  Of course, the orphans believe Santa has come to rescue them and the beautiful love interest who runs the place thinks their prayers have been answered.  This all sets the stage for a massive showdown between Frost and Blake. 

            A long time ago someone told me there is no such thing as useless.  At the very least, something or someone can always be an example of a bad example.  There is convenience, there is unlikely, and then there is the contrived.  Watch this film to learn the rest of the plot and see the ultimate example of contrived; it must be experienced.

Lessons Learned:

• Wrestling might be considered acting; wrestlers do not make good actors.
• It only takes 3 kids to make an orphanage.
• Ed Begley Jr. will be in almost any show.
• So will Clint Howard.
• The police are packing anti-tank weapons.