Blog #18 Devil Girl from Mars

The ‘50s were strange times.  Progress in technology was so fast that if you got off the grid for a few days you were lost when you got back.  Everyone was trying to reinvent the toaster or blender while marketers discovered good old mom was becoming the most important decision maker in household purchases.  But the space age was the new opium of the masses with everyone looking to the sky to see strange unexplainable things; nothing but space chicks.  Are you ready to breed earth-man?  

Devil Girl from Mars (1954)

Director	David MacDonald
The Main Players
Patricia Laffan	Nyah
Hugh McDermott	Michael Carter
Hazel Court	Ellen Prestwick
Peter Reynolds	Robert Justin, alias Albert Simpson

Synopsis: 

            At a small inn on the Scottish Highlands the battle for Earth’s sovereignty will be decided by a couple of stuffy scientists, an escaped convict, and a semi-hot older chick in red leather looking to score guys; all of them.

Review:

            Ok.  This movie is complicated, but not because of clever plot devices or complex characters.  No, it’s complicated because it doesn’t make much sense beyond the basics.  Simply put, a bunch of people stuck at a small inn on the Highlands are visited by a whacked out space broad looking for a few good men, or more accurately men in general.  In her fancy futuristic spaceship (it’s made of metal and that’s enough for these guys) she’s travelled from Mars in search of men to replace the breeding stock back home.

            Our story opens at the inn where an escaped convict has arrived seeking to hide and meet up with his old flame.  At the same time a couple of scientists show up looking for a meteor, and they need a place to stay due to the fog.  There’s also a young kid (smartest in the bunch) just to add some tension when he goes missing.  This beginning isn’t just long, it’s boring as well.  Eventually there is a flash in the sky and they are left wondering if something has crashed nearby.

            Enter Nyah, bimbo from Mars.  In fact, Nyah isn’t much of a bimbo after all.  For most of the movie she struts around the outside and inside of the inn pontificating about how inferior earth people are; but men could serve a purpose back on Mars.  She explains how the war of the sexes on her home world has left a shortage of males.  Her mission is to acquire functional souvenirs as breeding stock for the future.  I guess they want the war to continue.  For the most part, they all seem frightened by the alien dominatrix, but then for a moment it almost seems like a few of them are hoping for tryouts. That might have made the movie a lot more interesting.  Another lost opportunity.

            Well it all sort of drones on for a while with Nyah proclaiming how much more powerful she is than her captives followed by her demonstrating it over and over.  She brings out her giant robot that looks a hell of a lot like a refrigerator having it blast trees and cars to get the point across.  I think she had them at giant robot, but what would the special effects guys do?  As she brags on about her superiority she shows a few of them what powers her ship, and at the same time accidentally shows them how to destroy it.

            Skipping past the nonsense it has become quite apparent someone will sacrifice themselves to save the world.  One of our heroes volunteers to go with her and once her guard is down, blows up her ship.  There are only two problems with this great plan.  It’s based on the assumption that if they foil Nyah it will be then end of any interest from Mars invading Earth.  That would be like calling off the invasion on D Day because your first scout got killed and didn’t make it back.  The second issue would be why didn’t they do that in the first 30 minutes, so I could have watched something else?  Why do I do this to myself?

             

Lessons Learned:

• The Devil Girl from Mars wears nothing but red.  Aren’t you glad we have rainbows.
• On Mars, every night is Ladies Night.
• Walk softly and carry a big honking Killer Robot.
• Invisible force fields hurt just like the regular ones.
• Even the Devil Girl from Mars couldn’t get a parking spot in London.
• Just think of this…Long before there was Spider-man on Broadway, London had Devil Girl from Mars on the stage (the movie was adapted from the original stage play).

Blog #17 - Queen of Outer Space (1958)

These days it seems we are plagued by a strange new creature feeding off our culture of almost pagan like idolatry of the celebrity.   Of course, I speak of the famous celebrity that is famous simply for being famous.  These are parasites upon our way of life sucking away the attention span of those seeking to better their situation, and dreaming of a life where they are rich, famous, and want for nothing because they have it all.  Even worse yet, is the adoring child of the celebrities featured in magazines managed by editors that are so misguided that they think we actually give a shit when little Surie goes out shoe shopping with mommy.  What’s the point of all this?  I just want you to know the talentless hack of the tabloids and entertainment shows is no new invention.

            This installment features one of the original do nothing gold diggers of all time.  Making poorly spoken cameos and endless appearances on talk shows along with a matrimonial list that reads like a CV is not a reason to be famous.  The star of our feature movie became an expert at being the inexplicable centre of misguided curiosity for more than 4 decades, and unfortunately her ability to cling to life keeps some interest in the general population.  So when Zsa Zsa Gabor finally does kick the bucket we can expect her to claim the tabloids and trades one last time.  When you’re with your friend, lover, or acquaintance and they say oh my, I had no idea she was still alive.  Holy shit!  Whatever you do, don’t ask who she was.  I see a grueling and relentless 6 hour Green Acres marathon in your future.  Waterboarding at Gitmo would be a damned site more humane, and make sure you give my regards to Arnold.

Queen of Outer Space

Director	Edward Bernds
The Main Players
Zsa Zsa Gabor	Talleah
Eric Fleming	Capt. Neal Patterson
Dave Willock	Lt. Mike Cruze
Laurie Mitchell	Queen Yllana

Synopsis: 

            Three astronauts on a mission to deliver an important scientist to the earth orbiting space station are diverted by the destruction of the station, and carried off by the mysterious weapon of destruction only to land on the women ruled planet of Venus.   

Review:

            No, this movie was not written by a 14 year old.  In fact, a story credit is given to Ben Hecht, an Academy Award winning writer with a mega list of writing credits to his name.  He is known as one of Hollywood’s greatest screenwriters.  The story goes that one night at a party when he was very drunk, Hecht spouted out an idea for a film where American space men land on a planet full of nothing but horny women.  Someone took the idea and ran with it.  Hecht sued and received a story credit.  As talented as Hecht was, it appears as though he had little else to do with the project and the producers tried to stay true to his inebriated vision.

            Our intrepid heroes wearing uniforms on loan from Forbidden Planet find themselves suddenly catapulted across our solar system to the lush jungle/arctic paradise of Venus thanks to some fiendish weapon closely resembling scratches on the film stock.  Capt. Patterson has his hands full with his two hipster subordinates and an astrophysicist, Professor Konrad, in tow.  Mike and Larry are obviously just along for the ride and the chicks, but space travel is Konrad’s reason for existence.  He takes it all quite well when their being able to walk around the jungles of Venus with little more than a groovy jump suit dispels his entire lifes work.  I think all the small talk they make helps show how comfortable they are with being stranded many million miles from home, and no possible way of getting back.  What to do?  I know.  Let’s build a nice camp fire and just chill.

            When morning comes they are easily taken by surprise when the warrior women of Venus come calling.  That’s understandable I guess since nothing should be living there let alone a bunch of tall fashion models in very short skirts.  As captives they are marched before the Queen and learn the planet is inhabited by women alone because men were seen to be too war like and probably didn’t clean up after themselves enough.  Chalk one up for women’s lib and the short skirt industry.  Of course, we learn this idea of banishing men was mostly the idea of the Queen and does not accurately reflect all of their fallopian society.  Some just can’t seem to get by without the idea of grabbing onto a man, and bleeding him for everything he’s got; enter Zsa Zsa.

            Talleah (Zsa Zsa) is a confidant of the Queen and has access to all the important contrived things to help move the plot along.  As I’m sure you’ve guessed by now, our hero space adventurers have won over a few of the women with their groovy charm.  In fact, their corny 50’s pickup bar lingo is enough to inspire an all-out revolt against the Queen and her disdain for all things manly except, of course, violence.  The only thing these guys have going for them is that it’s the 50’s and women just aren’t that good at being violent.  I guess they ran a bit short on the run time so when Talleah and Captain Patterson do get the drop on the Queen she manages to pull a few cards from her sleeve to turn the tables on them.  I think this power shift goes a few times to stretch things out like a bad game of schoolyard tag.  In the end, the evil Queen is thwarted as well as her plans to destroy the Earth.  Captain Patterson gets to return home with something other than moon rocks.  After a good bout in divorce court with Talleah he might think differently.

             

Lessons Learned:

• Venus is not a gas planet, but it is filled with gas bags.
• Even when sentenced to death on a planet inhabited by only women, guys are still horny.
• Nothing says the future like a gold painted broomhandle mauser.
• The closer you live to the sun, the shorter your skirt gets.
• Even on other planets, dissidents speak with a distinctive Eastern European accent.

Watch the trailer.