Blog #15 - Gamera tai daiakuju Giron (Attack of the Monsters) (1969)

            Don’t you just love the pendulum effect?  It swings one way and then goes right to opposite end.  That’s what happens when I tell you about a fantastic movie like The Killer Elite; I have to balance it out with something amazingly horrible.  I love that movie so it should be no surprise that watching todays selection will hurt.  Your senses and common sense will be attacked in a way you never thought possible.

            This time we take a trip back to the height of Japanese movie making.  It was a good thirty years until decent CGI, and Japanese studios were at the forefront of current technology.  That’s right!  I’m talking about rubber monster suits second to none.  Were they super advanced, or was it just a case of no one else doing it.  I don’t know the answer to that, but I’m glad they didn’t let something as trivial as good taste or sensibility stand in their way.

Gamera tai daiakuju Giron (Attack of the Monsters) (1969)

Director	Noriaki Yuasa
The Main Players
Nobuhiro Kajima	Akio
Christopher Murphy	Tom
Hiroko Kai	Barbella
Reiko Kasahara	Florbella

Synopsis: 

            Two young boys encounter a flying saucer parked in the woods near their home.  After entering they are whisked away to another planet where two space girls are intent on eating their brains. (not brains)

Review:

            Tom and Akio are just a couple of young fun loving boys from…..well we never really know, but for now let’s just say Earth.  While stargazing with their telescope a flying saucer catches their eye as they watch it descend not far from Akiko’s home.  In the morning they bike over to check it out and are amazed to see they were right.  The small spaceship is there and the boys dare to enter.  Akio starts messing with the buttons and suddenly they are flying up into beyond.

            They soon realize it wasn’t actually something they did and the ship is under remote control.  On their way to wherever the ship is going, they are greeted by their favourite monster.  Gamera comes flying by and saves them from an asteroid.  You might want to sit for this one.  Gamera is the special sort of patron monster of children.  To put it simple, he is a giant flying space snapping turtle.  He retracts his legs and tail, then jet engine flames come shooting out of the holes.  He flies through space like other turtles swim through water, which turns out to be kind of funny when he does wind up in water and almost drowns; zero atmosphere is space is fine though.

            Turns out the boys have travelled to a star (that’s what they call planets in this movie) on the opposite side of the sun.  Once there they find a sort of city with little matter transport booths so you don’t have to walk anywhere.  They get to watch a couple of local monster go at each other when a flying thing shows up and a monster called Guiron battle it out.   Guiron is impressive looking like a lizard with a Ginsu knife for a nose.  Akio and Tom manage to get inside one of the buildings to get away from the battle and they get to meet Barbella and Florbella who are happy to see them.  What do space aliens from our sister planet wear.  Green spandex and tinsel with a painted old time motorcycle helmet sporting antennae. 

            It doesn’t take long for the girls to hypnotize the boys and question them about the secrets of earth.  Under the spell they mostly fantasize about doughnuts and milk and don’t have many answers about earth.  Barbella and Florbella soon realize this method isn’t getting them anywhere.  They decide the only way to get the info they need is to eat Akio and Toms brain raw and absorb all of their knowledge.  Seems like the right thing to do.  Once they know everything there is about baseball cards and why girls are so icky, the Earth will be easy pickings. 

            I won’t spoil the end for you (like that’s possible) but I can say, Gamera shows up to save them and beat the crap out of Guiron because he really deserves it.  Having Japanese throwing stars come shooting out of your nasal passages is not fair.  It isn’t easy for Gamera because Guiron is seriously nasty but thanks to some quick moves, using a long boulder as a throwing star bat, and his gymnastic ability on the parallel bar (I’m not kidding) saves the day, or whatever the hell time it is on the other side of the sun.  Extended exposure to this sort of stuff isn’t good for you.  My head hurts now.

Lessons Learned:

• There are worse things in space than giant turtles.
• Giant Turtles do not have giant pecans in them.
• When the waterfall starts running backwards, get nervous.
• Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles are not the only half shelled gymnasts.
• And, apparently pizza stunts your growth, and space travel worthiness. 

Blog #14 - The Killer Elite

My love for B movies knows no bounds, but I also love great movies.  Sometimes the two genres overlap, and I become a little kid again for about 90 minutes.  I often think of movies the way others think of music.  Like anyone else I have my favourite music stars, but at some point you have to give in to anyone who is the total package.

            Zeppelin, Neil Young, or The Who were and are our contemporary modern day composers that deserve all the respect and admiration they have gained.  But that’s also how I feel about movie directors.  Scott, Man and Friedkin take you places you’ve never, or in some cases I’m sure, could never have imagined.  Each has their little niche separating them from others; something they excel at.  This movie is all about one of the greatest directors of all time affectionately known as Bloody Sam

The Killer Elite (1975)

Director	Sam Peckinpah
The Main Players
James Caan	Mike Locken
Robert Duvall	George Hansen
Arthur Hill	Cap Collis
Bo Hopkins	Jerome Miller
Mako	Yuen Chung

Synopsis: 

            Two former CIA operatives turned private contractors are the best of friends until one switches sides betraying the other.  George gives Mike crippling wounds to prevent them from being foes, but secret agents should never underestimate the fortitude and determination of other agents.

Review:

            They don’t make them like they used to is something that leaps to mind when I’m thinking about this picture.  There was a time when they made movies for adults and this is one of them.  James Caan is Mike Locken, a former CIA operator and good friends with his long-time partner George Hansen played by Robert Duvall who has plans on dissolving their friendship.  At a safe house with some unspecified defector George makes his move taking out all the other operators except Mike.  They’re friends, so killing him is out of the question.  Instead George putts a bullet in Mike’s knee and elbow; sort of the 32 calibre version of early retirement.  The idea here being that George knows Mike is a serious player and this is the only way to make sure when he retires, he stays retired without killing him.

            George isn’t the only one who thinks Mike is washed up, and they spend a lot of time telling him.  Embarking on an extensive training program to get as close to his former self, he is constantly reminded by Collis, his former boss, that his efforts look foolish.  Mike won’t have any of that.  After blowing an attempt on the life of a serious Asian VIP (Mako) by an unknown group, Collis is back at Mike’s boat eating his words; but why?

            The bungling at the airport was incredibly messy for the work of professional assassins.  Bodies strewn everywhere, not to mention one arriving in the baggage area, is just unacceptable to the powers behind it all.  It’s time to bring in a no-nonsense performer.  They need a serious elite killer that works for money and doesn’t ask questions.  George is back in town.

            The confrontation between Mike and George is inevitable.  Mike is hired to form his own killer squad to protect Chung with the added bonus of seeing his old buddy again; but this time will be different.  Mike knows who’s on what side this time, and vengeance has become a top priority.  You will just have to watch it to see what happens when the Killer Elite meet for a showdown.

Lessons Learned:

• Bloody Sam was in a league of his own.
• Spy’s had it a lot harder in the days before the cell phone and GPS.
• Arthur Hill (Cap Collis) did well for a Saskatchewan boy.

Fun Facts:

• Peckenpah’s preparation for this film consisted of watching Bruce Lee films.
• Both Robert Duvall and James Caan took actual lessons in their respective special skills.  Duvall learned to use and infrared scope on a rifle and Caan learned how to disarm people with his cane.
• Peckenpah cut a lot of the extreme violence from the release cut to obtain a PG rating instead of his usual R.

Blog #13 - The Thirsty Dead

            Decades are important; at least they are now.  Decades describe a generation’s skew on a period of time.  Like the ‘60s which has come to symbolize the birth of rock, the free spirit, and the sexual revolution.  These time periods represent a significant shift in our culture that goes beyond a fad.  But, they don’t always get it right.  For example, the ‘70s are often blamed for the dreaded Disco craze which in truth did start in that decade, but didn’t get to full speed until after 1977.  Does three years make up a decade?  Disco actually carried on into the ‘80s because trends are not restricted to decades; but we are when we describe them.

            Free love did start in the ‘60s, and carried on into the ‘70s only they changed its name to the sexual revolution.  There weren’t any guns involved and they didn’t have a leader, but it was revolutionary on how they treated sex.  The ‘70s became the Me generation and the battle cry of the revolution was, “If it feels good.  Do it!”  Unfortunately the battle cry found its way into our entertainment/behavioural master, television.  The T.V. production studios saw the sexual revolution responding by sinking their venom filled fangs deep into it.  Suddenly we were subject to a new type of horror no one saw coming.  It was the birth of the made for T.V. movie. 

            Sort of like a regular movie in length, but so different in content and value.  It started as special presentations linked to current trends, but eventually morphed into sub-par nonsense vehicles for one hit wonder stars to flex their acting skills.  Almost always a failure, they didn’t stop coming.  In fact, by the time we were half way through the decade there were more T.V. movies than regular movies.  They became less common over time but never went away.  They just added a lot of sugar and added the name Hallmark to them, and kept the crap coming.

The Thirsty Dead (1974)

Director	Terry Becker
The Main Players
Jennifer Billingsley	Laura
Judith McConnell	Claire
John Considine	Baru
Tani Guthrie	Ranu

Synopsis: 

            A secret cult of mythological god worshipers resides inside a labyrinth of mountain caves in the Philippine islands.  Death is cheated through the use of an amazing plant leaf (it looks a lot like a maple leaf), and blood letting of the young and attractive; big boobs are required.

Review:

            Who writes this stuff, and how can we have them punished?  There is nothing scary about this movie in any way other than the fact it goes on for 88 minutes.  Honestly, given the choice between these 88 minutes and 88 minutes at the dentist; I would have a serious dilemma on my hands, and I hate the dentist.  It isn’t very often that I pull down the big screen to let it roll back up, turn of the projector and after just a few minutes, start wandering around the house looking for things to do.  Is this a critical plot moment in the movie?  I don’t know but I'mwondering if that picture on the wall is straight.  Uhggg!

            At least when a movie is real bad you can make fun of it.  This one was difficult.  It all starts in a bar in Manila and goes down from there.  Some guys dressed up like a cross between ninjas and monks are going around capturing women, and taking them down to their little canoe parked in the sewer.  You know you’re in trouble when all you can smell is poop and it’s not yours.

Eventually they emerge from the sewer system into what looks suspiciously like a river in Colorado, and if the sewer trip wasn’t boring enough we get what looks like a white water documentary without the white water or any narrative.  Just when you think it can’t get much worse, they hit the land and we are treated to a tedious trek through the jungle.  As the trek through the jungle goes on, I started paying closer attention thinking there must be an important plot point here.  I was wrong.  They wanted you to know it was a long walk and that’s what they showed.  Got to make up those 88 minutes somehow. 

When their journey is done, they find themselves within a complicated cave network carved into a mountain presumably for the purpose of making visitors confused.  Of course this is a made for T.V. movie so it’s like two cave sets shot from different angles all the time.  It’s amazing what they used to get away with when you couldn’t say, “Hey pause that.  Back it up so I can see it again.”  Of course with this movie not being able to watch it at your convenience was a blessing.  Let’s get to the meat of it.

This movie is simply an excuse to show reasonably well endowed women tramp around in outfits that basically resemble strips of cheap cloth.  Remember this was the ‘70s, so this was both art and genius.  The bad guy Baru and his sister Ranu spend their spare time having their minions tie up the good looking girls, and remove their blood just a little bit at a time; well, a chalice full.  Mixed with their magic maple leaf they drink the blood so they can be immortal, and look hot by ‘70s standards.  That’s it kids.  That’s the scary part.

No creatures hanging from the cave, no dark evil zombies leaping out of corners, and not even a real monster of any kind.  Hell, even the bloodletting is done out on rock slabs in a sunny courtyard.  In California this could easily be mistaken as the latest New Age craze.  Each time our heroine Laura tries to escape we’re shown just how futile it can be.  What can she do?  Even though the self-proclaimed gods of Baru and Ranu know that leaving would end their immortality, Laura manages to convince him to help her escape.  Now they race through the jungle in the same endless boring way they got there in the first place only faster; sort of.  I could tell you how it ends, but I see no reason you shouldn’t suffer just as I did; provided you want to watch this.

Lessons Learned:

• Manila has huge sewers you can canoe through.
• Greek Gods did not vanish, they just went on a South Pacific vacation.
• Blood is the 6^th food group.
• Elvis influenced everyone.

 Watch the Trailer