Review 2016-03 Bermuda Tentacles

Just how much influence does pop culture have on regular culture? Take the great state of Texas for example. Everyone knows that Texas is known for big things, or doing things big. But now there is a bit of a sense that there is this sort of big craziness that goes along with Texas. The notion is that when they go crazy there, they go crazy big. Would it be that way without cultural monsters like Leatherface and J.R. Ewing? Or, is it that those abominations come from Texas that make it seem crazier than other places. More importantly, would Texas matter without them. The problem with pop culture and it’s influence is that while we can see where it starts (sometimes), and we can often see where it ends. The real conundrum is why it ever started in the first place. And so, there are other places that have achieved that sort of mythical like status, even when they don’t exist.
The Bermuda Triangle is just that sort of place. It isn’t a place at all. It’s just an imaginary line running between geographical points that has been attributed with paranormal like powers, mystery, and other spooky shit. The problem is that all of the hype has gone. For me it left back in 1977 when NOVA did a special proving that more stuff went missing outside of the Triangle than in. But look, even if they were wrong and Aliens with other mystical forces are at work in the Triangle, lets celebrate that we’ve got the buggers contained to one area. It’s not like you can’t vacation in Jamaica instead.

Bermuda Tentacles (2014)

Director	Nick Lyon
The Main Players
Trevor Donovan	Trip Oliver
Linda Hamilton	Admiral Linda Hansen
Mya (as Mya Harrison)	Lt. Plummer
John Savage	President  DeSteno

Synopsis:  

The President of the United States of America is forced to jettison in an escape pod from Air Force One as it flies through a severe tropical storm over the dreaded Bermuda Triangle, but the massive naval strike force and unknown extra-terrestrial forces from the deep hamper a special operations team sent to rescue him (they don’t seem interested in other survivors).

Review:

I’ve said it before, and I’ll say it again. I love B movies. Sadly, this isn’t one of them. I don’t even have a rating for this one other than I wanted to call it Bermuda Testicles, but someone beat me to it on IMDB. It is a fitting title because when you look at the concept for the script:

President ejects over the Bermuda Triangle.

Navy goes in to get rescue him.

Special rescue team called in.

Giant space/alien/monster tentacles rise from the deep immune to all weapons.

Special team told to stand down - they go anyway.

Special team finds giant alien storage container full of all the missing crap in it.

They find POTUS and get away, or something like that.

Just imagine how big a pair you’d have to have to seriously go forward asking for development money to put this turd into production. If that isn’t a ballsy move, I don’t know what is.

A lot of reviews on line are sort of mean when it comes to Linda Hamilton. They seem to  focus on the way she looks and the mere fact that she is in this movie, which should speak for itself. I don’t know how actors get roped into these things, but we have to keep in mind that they are doing a job. It’s a bad movie, but not because of her. She did a great job and even Vivian Leigh could not have saved this one. I’m just surprised that none of the reviewers touched on John Savage showing up. Tentacles from space is no Deer Hunter. Savage couldn’t do anything for this one except that I will admit that I watched it to see the both of them in it. Everyone needs a reason/excuse.

Lets be honest here, I watched the entire thing, but I did it in stages thanks to the PVR. This movie was painful to watch and I just don’t remember how it ends. I know they make it, I just don’t know why, nor do I care. The cast should be dead. The aliens should have gone back to their home world and deleted us from their stellar maps. Those giant tentacles should have got out a huge jug of white out and blanked out our solar system. If they had been like Columbus the Queen would have been entitled to a full refund. These poor guys didn’t find anything worth writing home about.

Just imagine if you had been one of the aliens getting back to your world and trying to explain how things went on this new planet you discovered. They would be like, “Let me get this straight. They can make machines that fly. They’ve been to space. They’ve learned to harness most of the power from splitting the atom. And they think where you park is magic, and they shoot at you whenever you try to shake tentacles with them?” Hard to believe isn’t it. I’d probably blow us up too.

Lessons Learned:

• The only thing worse than tentacles are tentacles coming out of tentacles.
• The Bermuda Triangle is way deeper than we thought.
• They have a special day in the Navy when you can wear the uniform of your choice and you get to make up the ranks of others.
• Everyone in the Navy has a gun just in case.
• Take your best shot means something different in the Triangle.
• Old actors don’t die, they join the Navy.
• I don’t know if you’ve been told, Navy wings just fall out of the sky.

Review 2016-02 The Giant Behemoth 1959

Who invented the Monster Movie? I don’t mean the creature in the pond, or some hairy thing waiting for teens to go off looking for their missing friends. I’m talking about monsters the size of a building, or ones that can pick up and entire passenger train and then toss it to the side like I do with that can of sardines that’s been in the pantry for the last few years. Are they like me, just scavenging around looking for a snack?

I asked Google and it told me to go away, but eventually I got an answer. As far as the specific genre of the Creature Feature I was told the film The Beast from 20,000 Fathoms was the first film to have a monster that was created by man’s pursuit of the nuclear age. We built the bomb, we used it, and nature is striking back. The birth of an entire genre of B-Movies; nerd genesis.

The Giant Behemoth (1959)

Directors	Douglas Hickox, Eugène Lourié
The Main Players
Gene Evans	Steve Karnes
André Morell	Prof. James Bickford
John Turner	John
Leigh Madison	Jean Trevethan

Synopsis: 

            Dumping radioactive waste in our oceans serves as a wakeup call to a prehistoric beast that can shoot electricity and radioactive beams of destruction, but stopping it with conventional weapons might give us back all that waste we were trying to get rid of.

Review:

            Like the synopsis says, there is a lot of dumping of waste into the oceans at the intro with a lot of attention to making sure you realize it’s now the nuclear age. That’s right, the new age where all of your problems can both be caused and cured by the invisible stuff that makes the little machine click like crazy when you get near that monster or where the monster has been. Our giant monster doesn’t waist any time and heads to a small fishing village on the coast of England where it kills an old fisherman as soon as his lovely daughter is out of range.

            Eventually the monster sets its sights at trying to cause problems all over. In fact we even have a scene where it comes ashore going after a small country farmhouse. I was wondering if it was going to slip into one of those old travelling salesmen jokes about having to let it stay for the night and share a room with the daughter, but it killed them all instead with more invisible radiation waves or whatever the hell it’s supposed to be. All we get to see is something glowing strange and then waves or energy like ripples in a pond radiating out towards the victims. We don’t get much of a view of the actual creature for now, and that’s really a good thing.

Eventually the monster gets tired of the costal offerings and starts moving into the more heavily populated area using the Thames as its private tour guide. There is a lot of mayhem and panic around London and the Army is brought in to create some strong holds with the hope of holding it off for a while. Of course their attempts are useless with a lot of soldiers finding out the hard way. The creature is estimated to be about 200 feet tall and they even identify which type of dinosaur it is but I can’t spell that one, and I don’t even want to look it up. Frankly, I thought it was a lot more interesting when you had to imagine what it might look like.

            In my imagination, I never thought of it to look like a crappy little plastic model of dinosaur. The stop motion isn’t bad. It’s what they are moving a bit at every frame that makes it hard to take this movie. The only way to salvage this one would bet to return to a simpler time. A time when most of us had like three or four channels to choose from. When you’re eight or nine years old and you’ve got a choice between this one and Hymn Sing or Meet the Press, you know where the dial is headed. Of course that depends on weather you even know what a dial is (sort of a manual remote attached to the T.V.). You sort of have to really enjoy suffering through this kind of stuff like I do, or suffer any number of other mental afflictions. I liked it, I just don’t know why.

             

Lessons Learned:

• Radioactive sea monsters are very coy.
• Fish are not supposed to glow in the dark.
• Scientists love a good conference, especially when there is a monster involved.
• Tower Bridge in London is a tourist trap even for monsters.
• Sea monsters and submarines go together just like fish and chips.

2016-01 Frankenstein Meets the Space Monster

One of the main reasons I like B-Movie Sci-Fi is how horribly inaccurate they are at predicting what the future will be like.  Is 2001 still relevant now that it’s 2016?  Better yet, how about those pesky Soviets that gave H.A.L. and friends a hard time back in 2010 with the Soviet guy telling Dr. Floyd they would just be giving a ride to some poor Americans. Arthur C. had some pretty cool ideas about how things might work and how we could use space to make our lives on the blue marble better, but he never saw Ronnie coming to take down the evil empire. Could you imagine writing that one back in the day and the synopsis certain to get you punted from the writer’s guild. Friday 9pm – Aging former Hollywood has been rises to leader of the free world while fixing a nation and taking down wall of another. That would be a much harder sell back than trying to get Benjie 7 – Dog in Space made.

This installment comes with equally bizarre notions about the future and what we will be capable of. Robots, Space Monsters, and riding around with your best girl on your Vespa just like we dreamed about as kids.

Frankenstein Meets the Spacemonster (1965)

Director	Robert Gaffney
The Main Players
Marilyn Hanold	Princess Marcuzan
Lou Cutell	Dr. Nadir
James Karen	Dr. Adam Steele
Robert Reilly	Col. Frank Saunders / Frankenstein

Synopsis: 

            A barren Martian Princess travels to Earth with her personal evil physician with the intention of kidnapping women as breeding stock on Mars, until their plans are disrupted by a mentally ill American space android.

Review:

            This one is right up the alley of some others we’ve looked at so far. I’d have to say the one I find most similar to Franky would have to be Curse of Bigfoot. The main reason for this is just like COB, Frankenstein never actually shows up in this movie. It turns out Franky is a complex type of android made from transplanted human parts. Think Robocop but far less sophisticated and no cool gun. Franky is our man, sort of, with gigantic radio tubes sticking out of his brain with a mission to visit Mars and let us know what’s going on there.

            The Princess Marcuzan along with the incredibly creepy Dr. Nadir are on a mission to find some girls to bring back to Mars when they accidentally mistake Franky’s rocket for a missile attack. Franky winds up ejecting and making it back to Earth, but the Princess and Nadir are after him to make sure he doesn’t ruin their plans; I guess. Their landing team catches up to Frank and shoots him. They don’t kill him but manage to damage his head badly turning him into a homicidal maniac/monster. Meanwhile, back at NASA Adam and Karen, Frank’s support team are searching to find him in case he survived. Word comes in that Frank’s capsule landed in Puerto Rico with other reports of violence in the area as well; off to San Juan.

            Soon the aliens grab their first hot 1960s’ beach babe and they aren’t disappointed. The princess examines her long enough to bring her sexual orientation into question. With their superior alien intelligence and technology they realize the bikini is the single determining factor for breeding suitability, so it’s off to pool parties and the beach. Nothing says the 60’s like groovy music accompanied by bikini go-go dancing, and it makes it a lot easier for aliens looking for girls, to find them.

            Eventually Adam and Karen catch up to Frank, and like the great novel Karen is able to sooth the beast calming him her tender touch. She needs to go for help and stuff that doesn’t really matter leaving Frank with Adam. On her way she is captured by the alien space thugs because there seems to be only two roads in all of P.R. unless they need to use stock footage. Once Karen is in the clutches of the Princess and Nadir, only then do we finally get to meet the space monster. I’d like to say it was worth the wait but I’d be lying. I won’t be giving anything away when I say Karen gets rescued by Frank, and then he deals with the bad guys and monster. Is that a spoiler?

            You really should check this one out. I own it but you can watch it on YouTube if you search for it. If not for the pure entertainment, then watch it just to see what passed for entertainment back then. I can only guess that in some places, the miracle of pictures coming to life on the screen was enough to mesmerize these simple folk. Or it could be that it was just so boring then that kids would go see anything, or in this case nothing if you take out the girls in bikinis.

             

Lessons Learned:

• Aliens always wear helmets to conceal their identity and to cut down on casting costs.
• Space monsters are all bark and no bite.
• Pointy ears do not make everyone seem smarter.
• Are all alien space ships a lot bigger on the inside than they look on the outside?
• If Mars really did have a population and they had a war that killed almost everyone off, now we know why.
• This movie makes alien abduction look like fun.

Blog # 21 Them!

Sci-fi has been around a long time.  I don’t think anyone can pin point an exact start, but we can estimate when it sort of went mainstream.  Looking back it seems like nuclear testing spawned more wild imagination than anything else.  When the atomic age arrived it seemed like there was almost nothing science couldn't do, or in the case of Sci-fi be blamed for.  The only thing I know for sure is that atomic kills even when that wasn't part of the plan.  All my life they've been saying the future is going to be amazing; I hope it gets here soon.

Them!

Director	Gordon Douglas
The Main Players
James Whitmore	Police Sgt. Ben Peterson
Edmund Gwenn	Dr. Harold Medford
Joan Weldon	Dr. Patricia 'Pat' Medford
James Arness	Robert Graham

Synopsis: 

            Experimental nuclear weapon testing in the south-western US deserts accidentally creates giant ants looking for a place to call home where their freakish nature will blend in; Los Angeles or bust.

Review:

            This is a good movie with a strong plot based on something that is basically impossible, but Hollywood never lets reality get in the way.  The premise of nuclear radiation making things grow to impossible sizes comes from a time when the science of radiation was tossed around the same table as alchemy.  Crazy bad science aside there are some solid performances by James Whitmore and James Arness.  Arness has been a pivotal character in the first Frozenmukluk review also of a not so bad, bad movie The Thing From Another World. So we know the acting is great.  What’s wrong with the movie?

            The only problem is the stars, and the sad truth is that the two James are not the stars; giant ants are.  That’s where the fun comes in.  This movie was way ahead of its time as in long before CGI.  They could have used a little stop motion miniature work on this one, but instead opted for larger than life, less than animatronic puppets of giant ants.  Generally I’m not a big fan of re-makes unless you can bring something new other than an updated look.  This movie is an excellent candidate for just that.  A bit of SFX beyond fire could go a long way to making this one a bit more exciting.

 The only thing the ants do convincingly is burn when confronted with flame throwers.  You can’t really ask for more than that from any insect monster.  Of course we can’t forget the incessant irritating sound they make when nearby.  It’s a cross between a squeaky wheel and the compressor of an AC unit in need of new bearings.  I don’t know if it’s Exorcist scary, but it sure is damned annoying and that has to count for something.  Plus it gives that subtle foreshadowing like a good smack in the back of the head that something is about to happen.

As for the story it’s quite simple.  It starts with the ants stirring up shit in the dessert by attacking people and some livestock going missing.  Eventually scientists are brought in and despite the idea of giant ants being a bit out there, the search is on.  They begin an air search of the area where they think the ants might be and find a giant ant hill full of giant ants.  I was sort of disappointed when they start chucking poison gas canisters into the colony when I was secretly hoping they would have a giant magnifying glass hanging from the helicopter.  The least they could have done was give their group a cool name like Radioactive Ant Interdiction Detachment.

The operation to do in the ants seems like a success until they soon realize a couple of queens got away.  The flying queens took off and made their way to parts unknown for a while.  Ultimately the ants set up shop in Los Angeles using the LA River aqua duct system as a sort of pre made colony.  We can only assume this was a cost cutting measure to bring location shoots closer to the studio.   To make things worse throw in a couple of kids lost in the tunnels, and a fretful mother waiting outside for them.  They went in with their dad but hey, two out of three aint bad. Once again it’s up to our heroes to go back in and make the ants do what they do best.  Burn baby burn.

             

Lessons Learned:

• Unlike their speedy little buddies, giant ants do just about everything slowly.
• The Ant Bully was full of crap, those things sound nothing like Julia Roberts.
• Even giant ants dig sugar, just a hell of a lot more of it.
• You can get locked up just for seeing a flying giant ant.
• We've been using radiation to shrink things, but are we using it wrong?
• This movie makes it more fun to step on them.

Blog # 20 Sharktopus

I’ve picked on a lot oldies and some were good, but they all shared the same common dilemma in production; they didn’t have a lot of money.  Then there are some films having tremendous resources without tremendous results.  What happens when producers and directors set out to make something bad?  If it isn’t bad does that make it a failure, or could it become an accident?  You will just have to decide for yourself.

Sharktopus (2010)

Director	Antonio Margheriti
The Main Players
Eric Roberts	Nathan Sands
Kerem Bursin	Andy Flynn
Sara Malakul Lane	Nicole Sands
Liv Boughn	Stacy Everheart

Synopsis: 

            The unholy splicing of genetic material from a killer shark and gravity defying octopus culminates in a creature on a killing spree after its mad scientist creator employed by the military losses electronic remote control over it.  (Wow!  That was cleaver.  Eat it IMDB.)

Review:

            Is there some sort of special entrance exam to become a genetic scientist?  Did anyone think of just putting a little question and the start of the application like do you plan on making a hybrid between two deadly creatures to make something unstoppable with an incurable taste for human flesh?  I took communication and there was an ethics component in every class.  Do these guys sit around saying I can’t wait for grad because I’m going to make the most hideous killing machine ever?

            Nathan Sands is that kind of guy.  With his previous military/scientist partner he created shaktopus so the Navy could have something to replace former SEAL Jessie Ventura (would have been a better film with him in it).  During testing sharktapus has its version of the invisible fence dog collar clipped off when encountering the propeller of a boat, and the plot is set into motion.  Sharktopus is confused and struggles with an identity crisis trying to determine what instincts to follow.  Like a confused mini-wheat it can’t decide to let the sweet octopus side pick meals, or will it be the shark side be setting the menu.  When you toss a coin in the air and it lands on the side there’s only one option left; eat people wherever you can find them.  In this case it’s off the coast of Mexico where people go missing often and it usually gets blamed on poor vacation planning.

            I hope you like CGI, because if they took it out of this one there wouldn’t be much to see.  This film was so bad I’m not even sure if Eric Roberts was real.  Like sharktopus he looked real but didn’t act like him.  You can’t even be sure if the water was real.  The only thing I saw that couldn’t be disputed was the images reflecting in the LCD screen during a cross fade; that guy looked seriously confused.  The only part that made any real sense was when Andy was asked to come out of retirement to help because he was the only one who could do it.  After shooting that thing with guns, grenades, and tranquilizer darts he fights it off with a big stick.  Why didn’t they think of that sooner?

Lessons Learned:

• Adding on eight tentacles to a shark does not improve killing efficiency; still just one nugget at a time.
• How long until this thing can get to the Jersey Shore and does it take requests.
• This thing would make Marineland so much more interesting.
• Might have been a lot more fun if they had made the head part from the tentacles and that beak thing.
• Take a few minutes to visit the IMDB and read the absurd notes by nerds picking apart the authenticity of Sharktopus.  Crazy man!  That would be like creating a two hour PowerPoint presentation on how you don’t use a hammer to fix a Rolex; no point to it.

Blog # 19 The Wild, Wild Planet

Long before the Looney did its version of the swan dive dipping so far below the value of the U.S. dollar that it made West Coast Canada look like the new Hollywood, there were other places in the world suitable for cheap film making.  Italy was the birthplace of the spaghetti western that helped create the legend of Clint Eastwood.  Like they say, you have to churn out a lot of crap before you get a masterpiece.  This isn’t a masterpiece but it might be a piece.

The Wild, Wild Planet (I criminali della galassia) (1965)

Director	Antonio Margheriti
The Main Players
Tony Russel	Cmdr. Mike Halstead
Lisa Gastoni	Lt. Connie Gomez
Massimo Serato	Mr. Nurmi
Carlo Giustini	Ken, Lieutenant

Synopsis: 

            The commander of an orbiting space station is recruited to become the chief of a special task force leading terrestrial authorities in the hunt for who or whatever is responsible for the mysterious disappearances of people on a daily basis that’s growing exponentially.  (Did I mention space chicks play a big role?)

Review:

            Listen up helium head.  Yes friends, the depiction of your cranium filled with an inert gas is what passes for putting down one of your friends in jest in this very bleak and boring picture of our future.  In this one, our future looks like something inspired by Lego and Meccano but without all the fancy bits.  We are supposed to be wooed by the introduction of some crappie looking monorail thing that’s essentially just a Chinook helicopter model with the rotors removed and suspended on a wire.  What wonders await us?

            We start off in orbit around the earth on the standard sci-fi spinning doughnut space station where our hero Cmdr Mike Halstead is putting up with an annoying scientist Mr. Nurmi conducting medical experiments by growing human organs.  Nurmi is a solid knob easily rating 9.5 on the updated Richter Knob scale.  This guy’s mad scientist ego would make Marry Shelly shake her head a few times, and she invented the best.  When you’re on some other guy’s space station it isn’t advisable to hit on his woman, but Nurmi can’t help himself when he catches a glimpse of Lt. Connie Gomez.  He wants to get together with her real bad, but not in the way you might think; more creepiness later.

            Eventually Mike will have to rescue her from Nurmi, but in the meantime he is sent to Earth so he can head up a special task force charged with discovering why people keep going missing.  It’s quite comical.  Incredibly great looking models wander around with dorky looking guys with black capes and ball caps and abducting people by shrinking them down to doll size for transport.  It kind of makes sense in the end if only because the close ups are so comical and at one point they rescue a guy when he’s only half shrunk.  Even in the Italian version of Hollywood there is no shortage of jobs for dwarfs. 

            I’ll spare you the ridiculous chase scene where the cars look like bicycles with kayaks mounted on them, or the idiotic rescue of the Cmdr by flying machines functioning in a way best described as YoYo drive.  Skipping right to the end we learn Nurmi has a plan for him and Connie involving more than just sharing a few tender moments.  His intention is the grafting of their two bodies together in a hermaphroditic union creating a super being, or a novelty act.  Either way it’s not a good thing but Mike manages to stop him just in time.  Man I hope they make a remake of this one.  A slight adjustment to the ending and we would get to hear Arnold say, “Hey Nurmi.  Go F@#% Yourself!”  Cinema the art form at its best.

             

Lessons Learned:

• Space Stations have the coolest discos with real starlight.
• Lasers and blowtorches look and work very similar in the future.
• It’s better than waking up in a motel bathtub packed with ice and missing a kidney.
• Even in the future airport scanners can pick up the little people in your carry-on. 
• How much to have something enlarged?
• Experimental dance/theatre is just as dumb and boring in the future as it is now.
• How the hell did Star Trek happen after these idiots?