Director:
Antonio
Margheriti (as Anthony Dawson)
Writers:
Stars:
Synopsis:
Natural
disasters on Earth connected to equally disturbing activities on Space Station
Gamma One lead scientists to believe it is something in space causing the
problems and dispatches their best to deal with it.
Review:
Spaghetti
Westerns were a big hit, because they were gritty, dirty, and as flawed as the
characters in them. They made the expansion into the west look like dirty and
hard business which is what it was like. So what would they bring to space
travel and our future? In this case they made a great pizza but either forgot
the cheese, or something gave us more than you can digest. To simplify all of
it, you could say that this is like some very poorly executed parody of
something a lot better, but I don’t think they ever knew that. Take it from me,
you have been warned.
This
was a hard one to watch, but not because of the usual stuff. This was so boring
that I found myself wishing someone would be killed by some big incredibly fake
looking rubber monster. What do we get? A space suit synchronized swimming
production from a 50’s musical. I wouldn’t be shocked if they set up another
scene featuring the cast on roller skates. The worst part of the space swim
scene was the absurdity of the science, or rather lack thereof, because our
poor intrepid space pioneers were knocked off the space station by a Space Wind. That’s right; I said a wind in
space which is impossible, and a point made by everyone on screen.
The
premise of this mess disguised as a Sci-Fi extravaganza is some crap going on
out in space causing a bunch of natural disasters on the Earth, like
earthquakes and floods, the usual act of God type stuff. The big General of the
Space Command sends our big hero Commander Jackson, the boss of Gamma One,
their biggest and best space station, to find the problem and fix it or blow it
up. From a production and plot perspective the latter is easiest and good for
the SFX Department. We sure know they didn’t blow the budget on the city or
space port scenes. I’m pretty sure they just used models and parts from The Wild Wild Planet.
They
don’t have a real reason for it, but the General in charge is convinced the
problems on Earth are being caused by something in space. Despite a total lack
of evidence it turns out the General is right. Commander Jackson and his team
are out checking on an outpost and find it is no longer where it is supposed to
be. In its place they find a very large red asteroid or rogue planet emitting
strange plumes of green gas like it’s the rectum of our solar system (sorry
L.A.). We never find out what is ‘behind’ the attack on Earth, and we don’t
even get to see how this space ass is related to any of the stuff happening on
the Earth. They make the occasional vague reference as to what might be
controlling it, but we get nothing else. I’m sure that any more information
would constitute a complicated re-write, and this plot is fragile enough with
plot holes you could fly an Imperial Star Cruiser through; whatever the hell
that is?
The
Commander and his team realize they have to destroy or blow up this rogue
planet which creates an opportunity for them to jump out and go down to the
surface. It looks like a volcanic surface with vents that look a lot like cystic
acne with noodles sticking out of them. You can just imagine what the marketing
must have been for this one and I’m sure at some point they expected the wonder
it will inspire as in I wonder why I paid to watch this stuff. But if you are
old enough to remember a time without VCRs, then you also will remember a time
when you would watch this sort of junk as a welcome relief to more adult
leaning material. If you’re a millennial, I don’t know how you’d make it
thought this one with eventually shifting to your phone where you can look up
all sorts of interesting stuff like what the weather is anywhere but here, or
look up some stock quotes. It doesn’t have to be great to be better than this
to take your mind off it.
As
per usual in these sorts of films we get to the point where the big hero gets
to be the hero. This one is a bit different though. Commander Jackson never
really does anything. That is except for synchro space swimming where there are
3 guys floating around to their death, and he managers to same two of them. I
don’t think he gave much thought to the one that got away. That is sort of the
theme here. Be a hero but not a really good one. Just good enough is our lesson
from the future. Normally these stories are supposed to make us excited for a
bright future, but we might want to give this one a pass.
Lessons
Learned:
· Most
natural disasters are caused by space stuff.
· Space
heroes got girl troubles lust like everyone else.
· The
space wind is real, and it is not from Mr. Spock farting.
· Space
lava or gelatin? – They are both deadly.
· You can save water in your space shower by
showering with a friend, preferably a command officer.
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