Director:
Richard E. Cunha (as
Richard Cunha)
Writers:
H.E. Barrie (screenplay), Vincent Fotre (screenplay)
Stars:
Synopsis:
A former resident of the moon builds his own rocket with
some government funding, but when two fugitives from justice stumble into his
project he recruits them as his crew for a very strange homecoming.
Review:
The fifties must have been an incredible era and you need
only look at the pop culture of the time to see the evidence. This has to be
the fifth or sixth film from that era that puts forth the notion of space
exploration as a private venture (see Nude
on the Moon). When you watch these pictures there is never a hint of the
obstructions and setbacks needed to overcome and reach space. It’s as if our
entire culture walked around thinking they could do just about anything, unlike
now where everything is our fault. The continual theme was that all you need is
good old American ingenuity and know how. Anyone with enough gumption can take
a few old water heaters and tinker a moon rocket in the back yard. It wasn’t
until The Right Stuff, that we
learned what was really involved. Why let reality stand in the way of fun;
let’s go to the moon.
Our story starts with a daring prison break by a couple
of juvenile delinquents in their early thirties. Lon and Garry, I don’t know
which is which, are on the run from the law. If you ever do watch this, and you
are not too young, you’ll understand why I call them Lenny and Squiggy. Lenny
seems to have the brains and suggests they hide at the local semi-government
proving grounds and since it’s sort of private, they think they’ll be safe.
Eventually they’re discovered by Dirk, the owner of the rocket. Instead of
reporting them he locks them in so he can force them to become his crew. From
making license plates to astronaut is a major career move even if it isn’t by
choice. Of the criminals Lenny is the brains and Squiggy is the tag-a-long
little weasel that bitches about almost everything. He is the plot device that
you know is there to cause trouble until he dies in some sort of gruesome way
which was a result of his greed or stupidity, and it can always be both.
With the convicts reluctantly agreeing to become Dirk’s
crew, he begins training them for the mission and it’s a very short course. He
even has uniforms for them. As they start all of the pre-flight checks, their
activities register on equipment in the house making Steve and his girl June
want to investigate. And as you guessed, they wind up going along for the ride.
Of course later Dirk discovers they have come along and it’s a bit of a
surprise for him, but Dirk has uniforms for them as well. That Dirk can do
anything, build his own rocket, design and sew uniforms for people he’s never
met. He is the epitome of American ingenuity and industry. It turns out the
only thing he can’t do, is make a decent tie down strap for a big ass battery
up on a high shelf. It is his undoing when the big battery breaks lose in a
meteor storm and kills him when he heroically runs over to get under it. It’s a
tough blow to the team, however in what seems like only a few minutes they land
and everyone is happy, excited to explore, and of course now Dirk’less. He was
a bit pushy.
Just after the death of Dirk, Steve spends a few minutes
of contemplation with Squiggy about some of the strange things involving Dirk
like how he knew about all the things that would happen on their trip. Then
there was the small gift of jewelry as Dirk gave Steve a necklace. I was
waiting for Steve to give Dirk a pretty pair of cufflinks or a team loincloth.
All of this of course, is foreshadowing so we can get used to the idea that there
may be more to Dirk including he may know more about the moon than anyone
should.
The landing is very unspectacular consisting of a reverse
of the launch set to a lunar backdrop, or Arizona if you prefer. When it comes
time to explore, they don equally unimpressive space suits consisting of
coveralls, basic crash helmets, and some metal tanks on their backs. Even when
this was made, all of this would still seem unimpressive, but the film asks the
viewer to momentarily suspend disbelief. Once you see what’s coming, the
absurdity will make the suits, the pseudoscience, and ridiculous plot points
pale in comparison. The secret is knowing that none of it matters except the
giant spider.
So out on the surface they are having a great time
wandering around the desolate nothing of the lunar surface. It doesn’t take them
long to get into trouble when the moon rock men/creatures take an interest in
them. There are two reasons this happens. The first is to inject some action in
the story and secondly, so Steve and Lenny can show what the guns are for. Who wouldn’t
go to the moon with a Colt .45 and a Luger. Does anyone really think that NASA
had rifle holsters on the space shuttle like an old west stage coach. And the
rock men! What if the rock guys were like the moon version of island girls at
the airport in Maui bringing leis to the tourists. We will never know. Also as
a bit of a rant, what the hell do rock people want with humans. That would make
for a hell of a Nat Geo special or better yet, 9 or 10 hours of a rock on
camera as David Attenborough goes into great detail on the exceptional
sedentary life of the Rock People. Subscribe now!
Once in the cave they run into a new type of trouble when
they are gassed and then later wake up in the moon people palace or club house.
It is a matriarchal society headed by a blind woman called the Lido. This
should be where the show gets interesting, but the laws of physics aren’t the
only rules being broken here. This is the spot where we get to learn the back
story of the moon people, Dirk and his group, or what his mission had been. We
don’t learn much and it plays out like a bad TV game show – Who’s dumber, those
that live on the moon or those that visit? Or we could try and see who is
smarter than a giant cave spider.
So, just as we were about to learn they had been written
into a corner the producers were lucky enough for June to blow the team’s
cover. Now that means they have to escape even though they were never really
captured or they were never blamed for anything. All of this sets off a series
of unlikely events such as discovering treasure, a coup by murder, and a
ridiculous execution scene. Well I think it was an execution. The moon chicks
take June to the cave and tie her up to an alter before opening the gate to the
spider den. Seriously, if you had just tuned in, it looked like the marriage
ceremony from King Kong. When you consider the number of moon girls trying to
wed Steve/Dirk, getting the Spider hitched wouldn’t be that far off. In the end
one of the nicer moon girls takes their version of a grenade and blows out the
big picture window and subsequently venting their atmosphere. The remains of
our group get their gear back and break for their ship. Gary is obsessed by his
greed and dies as he defends his bags of rough diamonds from the rock
creatures. Everything should be fine now provided no one makes a sequel.
Lessons Learned:
· The
space program should be merged with the justice system.
· Moon
chicks are not as nice as they first seem.
· Rock
men/creatures want you. They don’t know why, they just do.
· Women
on other worlds always dress like unemployed figure skaters and gymnasts.
· The
first sign you are not that smart – you live on the moon!
· You
can lead a giant spider to them, but only the spider can make them a bride.
