The 21st Century! That’s what we’re in right now as far as time goes. Do you say that, The 21st Century? I was thinking of changing my e-mail signature to, Brian P. Baldwin in the 21st Century. It seems telling everyone what century you are in is a big part of B movie sci-fi setting rules. I guess the notion of the guy sitting in his intergalactic spaceship is not enough to let the audience know our hero is in the future, or at least from it. Is it information, is it foreshadowing, or is it just obvious; we may never know the truth. But one thing we do know for certain, is that the setting in sci-fi is very important for quite a few reasons.
B movies are bound by one main common attribute; they’re cheap. This means when you’re trying to make a cheap movie, you have to write a cheap movie. If you have a good reason to assume the production team will get off easy if they manage to keep their shirts when it’s all done, then I’d hold off writing in all those cool helicopter shots in the camera directions of your shooting script. It just makes sense, that if you have to take the bus because the camera got your seat in the Pinto, then you won’t be doing any exotic location shooting. So, therein sits one of the main critical failures of B movie making; writing for the wrong budget.
I guess no writer starts out writing a script to be under produced, right? Well sort of. All film writers want to create that Oscar winning script, but everyone has to start somewhere. Independent film makers do just that; they write for their budget. Independent films are made cheap but they are written with that in mind. That’s why we call them independent films and not B movies. The producers knew what they were getting into and what their limitations were. But true B movie producers are sort of like the guy you know that thinks Lotto 649 is a retirement plan. Like lottery man, the producers know that they are producing something bad, but they won’t let something like integrity stand in their way. They pray for magic.
The magic of the movies, or any acting for that matter, is to temporarily suspend disbelief momentarily making you think what you are watching is real. Sadly, this is not the case with this week’s movie. The producers of Santa Conquers the Martians were likely pioneers of cheap recreational drugs. Oh sure, if you watch it there will be moments of disbelief but not the good kind. I know they had a limited budget but dryer vent hoses for the arms of a killer robot? Honestly, some good camera work and a menacing sock puppet would have drastically improved this one. It’s that bad and I love it.
Director | |
The Main Players | |
Santa Claus | |
Kimar | |
Voldar | |
Dropo | |
Bomar | |
Pia Zadora – See, she was in a good movie after all. | Girmar |
Synopsis:
It’s the ‘60s, 1964 (the year of our Brian) to be exact and there is trouble on Mars. The problem is that the kids on Mars are too busy doing algebra and science to have fun. The Martians, as cool as they are, don’t know how to have fun so they consult some elder who spends most of his time as a rock, and he hands down wise elderly advice; go to earth and kidnap Santa. By your command! (I love BSG)
Review:
Previously on Frozen Mukluk, I said a lot of B movies are great movies, but they just didn’t have enough money to be great. This isn’t one of those movies. Watch Santa Claus Conquers the Martians (SCCM) and you will have the hounour of revelling in the total ineptitude of this films creators. In 1964, T.V. was relatively new and this movie is proof that most of the dullards of that era spent more time trying to figure out what made the magic box work, than the crap that was being transmitted over it. I screened this movie for my kids, and they actually complained that there were no commercials. I played it on my regular BD player instead of the PS3 for fear it would take vengeance on me, and I’d never get a decent score on a game again. What makes SCCM so bad? Since this week’s theme is writing, let us begin there.
Take a look at our players for this one. Kimar, Voldar, Bomar, what the hell? Did the cast all have a speech impediment? Add ar to the end of every name, and there you go; instant alien culture. Other movies have done the same with the letters o and n at the end of every name. I propose that at your place of work you sponsor cheapo sci-fi Tuesdays where you add those extensions to everyone’s name. Just think of it. Hi there Juliear, or hey Robon, I just talked to Chrissar and she says Brianar and Mikeon are ready for the meeting. By lunch time you will be on a cell phone that’s been thrown through a window, and talking to a S.W.A.T. negotiator on the other end. I’d make sure my resume was up to date if you are planning on taking this advice.
So from a production stand point, the Martians ( all 9 of them) are not that well fleshed out, but we can deal with that. As long as the plot makes sense we can overlook the little things. On Mars kids are a lot like miniature adults without the substance abuse problems. Kimar notices the kids don’t have fun and he consults an elder for advice to help make kids act like kids again. The wise elder tells him about Santa and all he needs to do is, go to earth, grab Santa, and bring him back to Mars. Kimar assembles his team of Martian kidnapping specialists and they take a saucer to earth. The earth is big, bigger than mars I might add, but they start their quest in New York City New York
Enter Billy and Betty out hanging around a tree. Just a couple of elementary school kids chilling in a winter scene, and they just happen to be talking about Martians. These kids are dumb. Billy asks what the things sticking out of the Martian helmets are and Kimar says they are our antenna. Betty asks Voldar if he is a T.V. set. The writing here is so multi dimensional, it defies the understanding of mere mortals. The kids quickly provide the Kimar and Voldar with the info they need to make a raid on Santa’s village at the North Pole. Voldar is supposed to be the bad guy, and wants to kill the kids so they don’t inform the authorities (things were different in the sixties when it came to violence, and I don’t know who they would have reported them to since it’s about 40 years to soon for the Dept of Homeland Security). Kimar doesn’t want to kill them, so the logical thing to do is to bring them along right? Yup those ruthless invaders from space decide to give the kids a ride to the North Pole to meet Santa; bastards. It is impressive though, that the two missing children become national news just moments after being kidnapped.
Up at the North Pole, the Martians realize they’re going to need a bit more muscle to get the guy in the red suit. They unleash their secret weapon Torg; a big robot that has a bucket for a head and dryer vent hoses for arms. It’s OK kids! Don’t be scared! My kids were too busy laughing to be scared, and it was not supposed to be one the amazingly forced comedic moments that are scattered throughout this film like they were fired from a shotgun. The only thing scary about this thing is the potential for it to fall apart right in front of you, and getting hit by some of the parts as they come crashing down. Santa mistakes it for a big toy, and Torg instantly becomes Santa’s buddy refusing to follow the instructions of his Martian masters. With a couple of smart ass kids and the wondrous guy in the red suit they head back to Mars.
The big Martian plan is to have Santa come to Mars and put on his show for the Martian kids and make them feel like kids again. I’m not sure how sophisticated or technologically advanced the Martians are supposed to be, but a lot of their problems could have bee solved through pharmacology. I just don’t know why they didn’t try to find a few bottles of Ritalin instead of a mythical magic man. I guess when you watch this one, you have to try and put your head in the same place as the writers and producers of this steamer. Of course, that’s probably where the pharmacology really comes into play. It takes more than a couple of stiff drinks to make you think you can sell something like this. You’re going to need some serious mind altering substances to keep your conscience at bay. Brianar out!
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