Blog #6 - Black Christmas

            What do Andrea Martin (legendary SCTV member), Keir Dullea (open the pod bay door HAL), Margot Kidder (Christopher Reeve’s Lois Lane), John Saxon (he was buddies with Bruce Lee), and Art Hindle (you’d know him if you saw him) all have in common.  They all played a part in creating a whole new kind of cinema style that lives on today.  It’s Canada’s movie making dark and dirty secret no one likes to talk about.  The trashy and despised movie style known as the Slasher Flick is a product of the north.  This cast came together with director Bob Clark at an old Toronto mansion for 40 days in the ‘70s, and for just over half a million bucks invented the slasher movie. The first of it’s kind, forever to be copied by the greats; Black Christmas was born.

            Halloween, Prom Night, My Bloody Valentine, just to name a few, found their inspiration in Black Christmas.  There are a bunch of others that also use the caller from inside the house premise, and to some degree you have to admit the phone alone as an antagonist is appears in the modern stuff like the Scream franchise.  I used to think quite poorly about slasher flicks, but then I always thought they were an American invention.  Like most Canadians, I naturally leap at the chance to claim any cultural invention that we can claim our own; too bad it’s slasher flicks.

            This week’s movie might be from a bad genre, but it’s a popular entertaining one that shows no signs of slowing down.  This one is iconic, and when you watch it, you’ll understand why it started an entire movement.  Olivia Hussey was revered for her famous rendition of Juliette in the legendary Zefferelli production of R and J, and her performance at 15 yrs old made her a legend.  She was up for the role of Roxanne in the movie of the same name with Steve Martin.  He told her she was in one of his favourite movies of all time, confessing to have watched more than 20 times.  Hussey of course thought he was talking of Romeo and Juliette; he, of course, meant Black Christmas.

Black Christmas 1974

Director	Bob Clark
The Main Players
Olivia Hussey	Jess
Keir Dullea	Peter
Margot Kidder	Barb
John Saxon	Lt. Fuller
Marian Waldman	Mrs. Mac
Andrea Martin	Phyl

Synopsis: 

            Just after Christmas in a small sorority house, the most deranged crazed killer sneaks in to kill off the girls one by one. 

Review:

            It’s not a big deal these days, but Black Christmas (BC) starts out almost exclusively in a style that’s known as POV – Point of View.  We get to see the world through the eyes of Billy as he picks out the sorority house, and then breaks into the attic.  Perched above the unsuspecting women living below him, he can watch them come and go; knowing just when to strike.  But, just coming out of hiding and killing isn’t all that interesting to him.  Instead, Billy uses a second phone line within the house to repeatedly call the main house phone providing an escalating level of verbal torment.  It was in this movie the famous line, the calls are coming from inside the house, was born. 

            We never learn much about Billy other than he has some serious anger issues when it comes to girls.  And it’s not just because young girls reject him, or something like that, because he waists no time in dispatching Mrs. Mac, the house mother.  But the first victim is Clare when she is investigating strange sounds coming from the closet.   She is suffocated with dry a cleaning plastic bag, and Billy drags her up to the attic where she spends the rest of the movie perched in a rocking chair; her lifeless eyes peering out from under the clear plastic while Billy gently rocks her.  Did I mention that this is a seriously creepy movie?  When I was about 9 years old, I couldn’t go past a theatre without seeing that girl in the chair with the plastic covering her face in the movie poster.

            Like usual, I won’t spoil this one for you so you can see for yourself what made it so great.  The killing doesn’t stop, and suspects do come to light with just enough to keep you interested in wondering who it could be.  One thing I can tell you is that you will see the beginnings of some great careers, as well as some seasoned professionals at their best in this small time movie.  Just think of it: John Saxon had just finished filming Enter the Dragon with Bruce Lee, and what does he do next?  He comes to Canada to make this little film because it’s special.  I don’t know if BC is something that leaps to mind when you think of Christmas movies but I can say this.  It’s been a long time since I watched BC and to do this review, I reacquainted myself with it a couple days ago, but every year at this time, I can’t help but put the word Black in front of Christmas at least once.  Watch it, and so will you.

Lessons Learned:

• There isn’t always safety in numbers.
• Caller display is a great invention.
• Cellular Phones are a great invention i.e.
• Sgt Jones, “Brian!  The calls are coming from inside the house!
• Brian, “That’s OK.  I’m on the Perimeter, using my hands-free of course.
• It takes a lot of effort to destroy a grand piano.

Fun Facts:

1.  The calls to the house by Billy were truly creepy and disturbing.  They were achieved using three different voices.  One of the voices was provided by Nick Mancuso, a solid character actor that you know but don’t know.  Look him up and you will see.

2.  Art Hindle, another well known unknown, wore his own fur coat for shooting and is reported to still have it hanging in his closet today.

3.  There never was an actual Billy.  Almost all of Billy’s scenes were filmed by the cinematographer Albert J. Dunk, and with the POV style sort of made him Billy.

Blog #5 - Santa Claus Conquers the Martians

            The 21st Century!  That’s what we’re in right now as far as time goes.  Do you say that, The 21st Century?  I was thinking of changing my e-mail signature to, Brian P. Baldwin in the 21st Century.       It seems telling everyone what century you are in is a big part of B movie sci-fi setting rules.  I guess the notion of the guy sitting in his intergalactic spaceship is not enough to let the audience know our hero is in the future, or at least from it.  Is it information, is it foreshadowing, or is it just obvious; we may never know the truth.  But one thing we do know for certain, is that the setting in sci-fi is very important for quite a few reasons.

            B movies are bound by one main common attribute; they’re cheap.  This means when you’re trying to make a cheap movie, you have to write a cheap movie.  If you have a good reason to assume the production team will get off easy if they manage to keep their shirts when it’s all done, then I’d hold off writing in all those cool helicopter shots in the camera directions of your shooting script.  It just makes sense, that if you have to take the bus because the camera got your seat in the Pinto, then you won’t be doing any exotic location shooting.  So, therein sits one of the main critical failures of B movie making; writing for the wrong budget.

            I guess no writer starts out writing a script to be under produced, right?  Well sort of.  All film writers want to create that Oscar winning script, but everyone has to start somewhere.  Independent film makers do just that; they write for their budget.  Independent films are made cheap but they are written with that in mind.  That’s why we call them independent films and not B movies.  The producers knew what they were getting into and what their limitations were.  But true B movie producers are sort of like the guy you know that thinks Lotto 649 is a retirement plan.  Like lottery man, the producers know that they are producing something bad, but they won’t let something like integrity stand in their way.  They pray for magic.

            The magic of the movies, or any acting for that matter, is to temporarily suspend disbelief momentarily making you think what you are watching is real.  Sadly, this is not the case with this week’s movie.  The producers of Santa Conquers the Martians were likely pioneers of cheap recreational drugs.  Oh sure, if you watch it there will be moments of disbelief but not the good kind.  I know they had a limited budget but dryer vent hoses for the arms of a killer robot?  Honestly, some good camera work and a menacing sock puppet would have drastically improved this one.  It’s that bad and I love it.

Santa Claus Conquers the Martians 1964

Director	Nicholas Webster
The Main Players
John Call	Santa Claus
Leonard Hicks	Kimar
Vincent Beck	Voldar
Bill McCutcheon	Dropo
Chris Month	Bomar
Pia Zadora – See, she was in a good movie after all.	Girmar

Synopsis: 

            It’s the ‘60s, 1964 (the year of our Brian) to be exact and there is trouble on Mars.  The problem is that the kids on Mars are too busy doing algebra and science to have fun.  The Martians, as cool as they are, don’t know how to have fun so they consult some elder who spends most of his time as a rock, and he hands down wise elderly advice; go to earth and kidnap Santa.  By your command!  (I love BSG)

Review:

            Previously on Frozen Mukluk, I said a lot of B movies are great movies, but they just didn’t have enough money to be great.  This isn’t one of those movies.  Watch Santa Claus Conquers the Martians (SCCM) and you will have the hounour of revelling in the total ineptitude of this films creators.  In 1964, T.V. was relatively new and this movie is proof that most of the dullards of that era spent more time trying to figure out what made the magic box work, than the crap that was being transmitted over it.  I screened this movie for my kids, and they actually complained that there were no commercials.  I played it on my regular BD player instead of the PS3 for fear it would take vengeance on me, and I’d never get a decent score on a game again.  What makes SCCM so bad?  Since this week’s theme is writing, let us begin there.

            Take a look at our players for this one.  Kimar, Voldar, Bomar, what the hell?  Did the cast all have a speech impediment?  Add ar to the end of every name, and there you go; instant alien culture.  Other movies have done the same with the letters o and n at the end of every name.  I propose that at your place of work you sponsor cheapo sci-fi Tuesdays where you add those extensions to everyone’s name.  Just think of it.  Hi there Juliear, or hey Robon, I just talked to Chrissar and she says Brianar and Mikeon are ready for the meeting.  By lunch time you will be on a cell phone that’s been thrown through a window, and talking to a S.W.A.T. negotiator on the other end.  I’d make sure my resume was up to date if you are planning on taking this advice.

            So from a production stand point, the Martians ( all 9 of them) are not that well fleshed out, but we can deal with that.  As long as the plot makes sense we can overlook the little things.  On Mars kids are a lot like miniature adults without the substance abuse problems.  Kimar notices the kids don’t have fun and he consults an elder for advice to help make kids act like kids again.  The wise elder tells him about Santa and all he needs to do is, go to earth, grab Santa, and bring him back to Mars.  Kimar assembles his team of Martian kidnapping specialists and they take a saucer to earth.  The earth is big, bigger than mars I might add, but they start their quest in New York City knowing they just have to find a fat guy in a red suit with a white beard.  They use their Martian sensors only to find out Santa is at the front of almost every store in New York.  This confuses them so much they don’t know what to do.  An advanced race with the technological skills to produce an inter planetary atmospheric re-entry space vehicle shouldn’t have to work too hard to figure this out.  They just need a good reference source.

            Enter Billy and Betty out hanging around a tree.  Just a couple of elementary school kids chilling in a winter scene, and they just happen to be talking about Martians.  These kids are dumb.  Billy asks what the things sticking out of the Martian helmets are and Kimar says they are our antenna.  Betty asks Voldar if he is a T.V. set.  The writing here is so multi dimensional, it defies the understanding of mere mortals. The kids quickly provide the Kimar and Voldar with the info they need to make a raid on Santa’s village at the North Pole.  Voldar is supposed to be the bad guy, and wants to kill the kids so they don’t inform the authorities (things were different in the sixties when it came to violence, and I don’t know who they would have reported them to since it’s about 40 years to soon for the Dept of Homeland Security).  Kimar doesn’t want to kill them, so the logical thing to do is to bring them along right?  Yup those ruthless invaders from space decide to give the kids a ride to the North Pole to meet Santa; bastards.  It is impressive though, that the two missing children become national news just moments after being kidnapped.

            Up at the North Pole, the Martians realize they’re going to need a bit more muscle to get the guy in the red suit.  They unleash their secret weapon Torg; a big robot that has a bucket for a head and dryer vent hoses for arms.  It’s OK kids!  Don’t be scared!  My kids were too busy laughing to be scared, and it was not supposed to be one the amazingly forced comedic moments that are scattered throughout this film like they were fired from a shotgun.  The only thing scary about this thing is the potential for it to fall apart right in front of you, and getting hit by some of the parts as they come crashing down.  Santa mistakes it for a big toy, and Torg instantly becomes Santa’s buddy refusing to follow the instructions of his Martian masters.  With a couple of smart ass kids and the wondrous guy in the red suit they head back to Mars.

            The big Martian plan is to have Santa come to Mars and put on his show for the Martian kids and make them feel like kids again.  I’m not sure how sophisticated or technologically advanced the Martians are supposed to be, but a lot of their problems could have bee solved through pharmacology.  I just don’t know why they didn’t try to find a few bottles of Ritalin instead of a mythical magic man.  I guess when you watch this one, you have to try and put your head in the same place as the writers and producers of this steamer.  Of course, that’s probably where the pharmacology really comes into play.  It takes more than a couple of stiff drinks to make you think you can sell something like this.  You’re going to need some serious mind altering substances to keep your conscience at bay.  Brianar out!

Blog #4 - Forbidden Planet

            

            Is Star Trek science fiction?  How about Star Wars (all iterations including the obscene)?  Most would say yes, but that’s because they don’t know what science fiction is.  Science fiction is a literary genre like others.  It has a plot with dynamic characters that drive the plot, and undergo some sort of change through the transpiration of the story with just one exception; without the element of science, there is no story.  Star Trek was episodic, and within that format, it was difficult to keep that element throughout and remain original all the time.  But of course, I’m talking about the original show with Kirk, Spock, and Bones, because trying to reproduce the magic deteriorated with each attempt.  So, with all their work and effort Star Trek is only sort of science fiction, what does that make Star Wars; how about scientifically obtuse.

            Star Wars is King Arthur in space, and even then, that’s stretching it.  It’s a fun movie, but it isn’t even good enough to be considered space opera (a term for regular shows that just have a space setting).  And that brings us to this week’s theme.  What do you get when you take a tried, tested, and truly compelling drama and add science into the mix; Shakespeare in space?  Well not exactly, but you do get Forbidden Planet which is loosely based on The Tempest.  Sure it’s sort of a re-make, but it’s also a lot more.  But, what’s important here is how science is mixed into the plot in so many ways, making it more than it was without the science.

            When it was released, Forbidden Planet was a big step up from almost every Sci-fi movie before it.  Even the sound track was evolutionary paving the way for others to put that kind of effort into what was largely considered entertainment for kids.  This was the seminal moment when it appeared the efforts by the greats like Asimov would begin getting the treatment they deserved.  Well it was not to be.  Or lets say it didn’t happen as often as we would like.  Asimov never got a huge Hollywood embrace except for in recent years, and even then they took his book title and credited him saying his work was the inspiration for it; so far off the mark they should have said it was in spite of him.  So how does this relate to B movies?  In all its greatness, Forbidden Planet was a B movie.

            They had money, but nothing compared to what other less dynamic productions had.  They got what they needed to make a good movie.  So what makes it great then?  Here comes the science in it; everything is relative (see Einstein for an explanation).  There is so much crappy stuff out there, Forbidden Planet looks fantastic.  So, we are kind of back where we started.  It begs the question, how many other gems are out there that could have been great if they just had a bit more money?  We won’t know until we look for them.  That’s my job, but it could be yours as well.  Let’s see if this one can inspire you.

           

Forbidden Planet 1956

Director	Fred M. Wilcox
The Main Players
Walter Pidgeon	Dr. Edward Morbius
Anne Francis	Altaira (Alta) Morbius
Leslie Nielsen	Commander J.J. Adams
Warren Stevens	Lt. `Doc` Ostrow M.D.
Richard Anderson Hey Steve!  That guy looks like Oscar Goldman	Chief Quinn

Synopsis: 

            In the 22^nd Century, the United Planets Cruiser C57D is one year out of earth heading to Altair 4 seeking the Bellerophon Expedition.  Their mission is to find out what happened and determine the fate of the expedition, but instead they find one of the most powerful sources of energy in the galaxy with a madman at the controls.  The problem is, that he’s too smart to know he’s mad.

Review:

            Most sci-fi movies from the ‘50s featured flying saucers from outer space.  Forbidden Planet (FP) is different in that we earthlings are the ones flying the saucers out into space.  Commander J.J. Adams and his crew have been dispatched to the Altair system to find out what happened to the Bellerophon Expedition, because they have not been heard from in 20 years.  The expedition was a sort of scientific colonization group meant to tame a new world, and pave the way for human expansion further into the galaxy.  When they arrive in orbit the self proclaimed lone survivor of the expedition, Doctor Morbius, greats them with a stern warning to leave and not look back.  Adams is a, by the book, kind of guy and he has his orders to check things out.  Morbius makes it clear there is danger on Altair 4 and he can’t be held responsible for Adams and his crew.  It sounds like Morbius is trying to look out for their hides, but you don’t get to be a space saucer commander with out taking a few chances now and then.

            Well, they have a cool landing sequence and quickly find out Morbius may not be a poster boy for telling the truth.  Morbius sends out his right hand man, none other than the amazing Robby the Robot (RTB).  He’s big, he’s black, he’s got lights and flashy things all over, and he set the standard for movie and T.V. robots from then on.  But seriously, Robby was unique, because while he had a little bit of personality, he was an essential tool to Morbius and a serious plot device.  RTB is a technological wonder, even to Adams and his fellow futuristic men.  They are stunned when they hear their host claim he tinkered Robby together in his spare time during his early years on Altair 4.  Seems like Morbius has evolved pretty good all by himself.  Enter the Tempest. 

            It doesn’t take long for Adams to start asking about where the rest of the expedition went, and Morbius has to tell of the ferocious hideous beast that came in the night tearing them limb from limb; not to mention, the inexplicable immunity enjoyed by he and his wife.  It seems far fetched, and that isn’t lost on the Commander when Morbius also explains how the remaining few decided to leave and go home, and being the only one voting to stay; he got to witness the Bellerophon vaporize just after lift off.  Yup, he said vaporize.  That means immediate sublimation which is not something you see happen every day.  That sounds like some serious power went into sending a serious message. Where does power like that come from?

            Altair 4 was not the uninhabited world they had assumed.  In fact, long before Morbius and friends arrived it was inhabited by a mighty, and technologically superior, race called the Krell.  Adams learns the Krell were incredible, but for some reason they just all disappeared at the same time.  Poof, the end of a civilization, but their legacy, an underground system of power generators too large to comprehend remained in perfect working order.  An amazing labyrinth of mechanical nuclear wonder generating what seems like unlimited power.  But, what was it for, and why does it seem like it was meant to focus that energy for some unknown reason?  What would happen if your dreams, better yet, nightmares could be manifested into pure energy.  Add to that, the all important part of dreams; you can’t control what you dream about.

            In the dead of night, on a planet with two beautiful moons, something mysterious creeps its way into the C57D sabotaging important equipment, and brutally killing a crewman.  Adams is perplexed and seeks answers from Morbius, but also decides to question the best looking thing on Altair 4. 

            Why do supper intelligent and athletic, brave young men volunteer for dangerous missions?  Why would they risk their lives travelling across vast distances of space, and into the unknown dangers that lurk beyond?  To meet chicks of course!  Altaira, Alta for short, is the missing piece to Morbiuses knack of not telling the full story.  Alta is his lovely daughter who had grown up in a very secluded and innocent way; it’s like that when you own a planet.  Morbius says he’s tutored Alta in inter human relations, but Commander Adams is there for the practical exam.  So why is it, the cruel and evil monster of Altair 4 starts showing up when the utopia of Morbius, and the purity of his daughter is threatened?  Even the supper intelligent can overlook the evil that dwells within us all.

           

Watch The Trailer

Lessons Learned:

• American flying saucers are the best.
• Having deep emotional problems are bad, but they are a lot worse when you sport a goatee.
• Having Barbie’s Dream Home and Corvette is spoiled, but having your own planet is something else.
• Even monsters look more evil with a goatee.

Fun Facts:

1. FP was made for just under 2 million which was nothing to sneeze at in the ‘50s, but many productions of the decade were made for 4 to 6 million.  It qualifies as a B move.
2. All filming was done on sound stages including the large scenes featuring the exterior of the C57D.  It took up the biggest studio on the MGM lot.
3. Robby the Robot was a hit and was featured for many years after FP.  In fact, he had a better career than Nielsen until Airplane came along.
4. They say there is a remake in the works.  I sure hope not.  It just wouldn’t be the same with a Rap soundtrack and Robby replaced by a CGI monkey creature that Crumps.  Besides, I don’t need to see Commander Adams hold his blaster sideways to look more menacing when he gets in Morbiuses face Bro!

Blog #3 - Chupacabra Terror

            Is that a shower curtain separating the cockpit from the passengers on that plane?  Yup!  That’s the question I asked and answered for myself the first time I saw, Plan 9 from Outer Space, the famous Ed Wood (Edward D. Wood Jr.) classic from 1958.  Ed Wood was amazing.  No, not Ridley Scott, or Christopher Nolan, amazing, but amazing in his own right by being a minimalist.  Making movies is making contemporary magic, in that the director can take an unassuming location and create the illusion it’s something completely different. 

            In Conquest of the Planet of the Apes, Director J. Lee Thompson used the University of California Irvine Campus, and more specifically the Social Sciences Campus as the backdrop for his sci-fi film.  The campus was designed by the futuristic architect William L. Pereira, and was still under construction while the movie was being filmed.  Obviously, the look of the future was largely due to Pereira’s work but still, it was not from the future.  The director and his team of production workers are the ones who took what they had to work with and made the magic happen.  When you watch conquest, the backdrop really does look like something from years from now, even to this day..  So that’s this week’s focus.  What happens when the director doesn’t have the skills to pay the bills? 

            Plan 9 from Outer Space, is an extreme example of getting by on a budget, or in this case getting by with no budget at all from the looks of it.  Wood was such a terrible example of bad movie making he inspired the film, Ed Wood, starring Johnny Depp as Wood.( http://www.imdb.com/title/tt0109707/ ) who’s directorial antics were so flawed and legendary, they became the basis of a feature film.  So that leaves us with two very extreme ends of the movie making spectrum and a lot of room between both ends.  Is there a middle point?  What happens when a director tries, but not that hard?

(Think you have what it takes?  Plan 9 is Public Domain now.  Watch it here http://www.archive.org/details/Plan9FromOuterSpace_811

If you dare?) 

            When you go part way, and try hard to do a good job; and someone points out, that room looks nothing like a cruise ship dinning room.  What do you do?  What would Scott or Nolan do?  It would be back to the drawing board with the production team and find a solution.  But that would not be the case for this week’s film.  Today we will look at what happens when you start out running hard and fast, but sort of start to sit down and take breaks; and then the breaks start to get longer, and longer.  Chupa didn’t have to be a bad movie.  It could have just been a good B movie, but sometimes, when you try too hard, you fall on your ass; or you just look like you chupa.

           

Chupacabera Terror (2005)

Director	John Shepphird
The Main Players
John Rhys-Davies	Captain Randolph
Dylan Neal	Lance
Chelan Simmons	Jenny (Randolph)
Giancarlo Esposito	Dr. Peña
David Millbern	Rick McGraw

Synopsis: 

            The legendary creature known as Chupacabera (Goat Sucker) is stowed away on a luxury cruise liner using the crew, passengers, special forces team members, and just about anything else as food to ease his insatiable appetite.  Also, he’s in a bad mood, but of course, so would you if you had a handle like goat sucker. 

Review:

           

            I love movies and I get right into them.  Even better, I love a good monster movie where the monster is as much a mystery to the characters, as how much blood the human body can hold is to the production team.  This is a low budget right to video special, and when you have that kind of budget there isn’t much chance you can afford to rent a massive cruise ship.  In fact, it would be a safe bet that locations, equipment, and props for this one are taken right from the begged, borrowed or stolen category.  Other than second unit shots, you can guarantee this production team had to work a lot of magic.  They likely spent a lot of time dressing up locations, arranging deceptive shots and camera angles to make you think, without a doubt, the characters are dining at the Captain’s table and not table six of the Chippewa Room, at the Motel 6.  Or, I guess they should have.

            Like I said, I get into the movie and a lot of the time I don’t see all those goofs and mistakes people love to point out.  You know the person watching with you demands to know why the guy is suddenly holding his drink in the other hand.  I just never see that stuff, but when you are supposed to be on a mighty cruise ship talking to the Captain, the grass on the sand dune behind him should not be taller than him.  Here’s a list of just a few of the glaring mistakes you will see:

• A scene depicting the exciting pool life on the ship which is obviously a beach.
• People engaged in a tough round of shuffleboard on asphalt probably behind a 7-11 in South Central LA.
• The cement cargo hold of the ship that looks a lot like a storage facility.
• Jenny teaching Tae Bo on the ship with a large picture window behind her showing the breakers crashing into the shore line (must be one of those ships you drive on land).

Yes, all that entertainment, and in the first 10 minutes of the film, but it would be unfair to let the bad sets take all the credit.  The acting is responsible for a lot of Chupa in this one.

            John Rhys-Davies, you poor soul, did you get nailed with DUI in Florida and this was part of your community service sentence?  Oh how the mighty have fallen.  John was in Raiders of the Lost Ark, and all Lord of the Rings movies.  How did he wind up in this with actors we’ve never heard of, and probably won’t ever again.  But there is an important lesson to be learned here.  When you see John on the screen, he leaves you with no doubt as to who knows how to act and who just showed up for the buffet.  Perhaps the worst offender here is David Millbern who plays Rick McGraw, the over the top gigolo would be cat burglar.  There can be no possible way Millbern took his role seriously unless he is mentally disturbed, and that still wouldn’t make up for his performance.  Now and then, you find yourself cheering for the monster, but rarely do you chant, “Kill him!  Kill him!” every time a certain character comes on screen; Millbern is the exception.

            Millbern isn’t the only actor here to test your imagination and stretch it to the snapping point; he’s just the most consistent at it.  The team of over weight and out of shape Special Forces guys do a pretty good job of trying to upstage him.  They don’t look very capable and they don’t disappoint.  I guess their special tactic is to wander around letting themselves be picked off one by one while their boss and the Captain watch it on the security cameras like a pay per view event.  The Chupacabera is keenly astute for a murderous blood sucking creature, because even though it kills the fat guys, it’s careful not to eat them because of what I imagine to be cholesterol concerns. 

            Is there a moral to this story?  If there is, I can’t figure it out.  I don’t want to give too much away, because I really want you to watch this one and see for yourself; besides why should I be the only one to suffer.  But, back on track, the moral would have to be something a character learned along the way in this classic.  I’d have to say the character of Dr. Pena who was the person who worked most of his life to search out the Chupacabera, capture it, and bring it back for science to study; plus end his tenure as laughing stock.  I guess Pena learned that no mater how hard you try, sometimes life just Chupas.

Watch The Trailer

Lessons Learned:

• If an AK47 can’t stop it, a cargo net will.
• Blood sucking monsters are not team players.
• An anorexic Tae Bo instructor can be more effective than bullets.
• Sometimes your best insurance is an insurance salesman.

Fun Facts:

            I’ve done some research into this one, and there are no fun facts.  But that’s fine because I’m sure we will come up with something next time.

Coming Attractions:

            It’s been a sad start to this week and it seems only fitting that we take a look at a good movie that’s a study in character and leadership.  We will look at, and up to the great Commander J.J. Adams when he visits the Forbidden Planet.

Blog #2 - Night of The Lepus

Blog number one, Why the B and What to See, featured a little introduction on what Frozen Mukluk is all about; why a mukluk and what B movies are.  A staggering number of compliments were passed my way (OK, three, but they were good) letting me know how much the intro was appreciated.  Fans have said, they like the way the intro sort of complimented the movie review, so I’m going to keep on introducing my reviews with a little bit of B movie info until I run out of stuff to say.  For those of you who know me, that could be some time.  Today’s topic: The Script.

            Movies are a visual media right?  Well not so fast.  Buried beneath the clever alternating shots, point of view (POV) angles, and even dazzling special effects, there is of course the narrative.  Sure things blow up but why?  It’s the narrative of the script that tells you why things happen.  The scripted directions send out the message that Bob blew up his house because his cheating wife was inside.  Yes, blowing her up says how serious Bob is about adultery, but we might dwell on what is not said; we could spend the rest of the film wondering if Bob will feel guilt for the rest of his life.  When he steps forward toward the camera to fill a medium shot, and you see parts of his former residence falling from the sky, and he smiles saying, “Consider this a divorce!”  There can be no doubt about how he feels now, and it’s all thanks to the script.

            I’ve spent a lot of time watching B movies with friends who say they could write something better than what we are watching, but they suffer from a misunderstanding.  What they don’t understand is that the finished product a frequently bares little resemblance to how it started.  It starts from the imagination of the writers who use their skills to transfer their thoughts to paper.  No one will pay attention to a bad script.  Even in the seemingly brain optional world of the sitcom, to be considered, a script must be good.  What most people don’t know is the number of producers, associate producers, and creative consultants who get to slime it up on the way to production.  They are the people who control the money, and I’m sorry to say ply their craft for marketing and salesmanship.  They are the ones who make the decision to take that edgy adult thriller and force the introduction of potty humour to get the 14 A crowd.  Suddenly you realize you have become a victim of marketing.

            If you dare to watch, Night of The Lepus (and it is a dare) the subject of this blog instalment, and keep the words of the above paragraphs in mind. The writers had a vision of how our self-righteous attitudes towards science manipulating Mother Nature could be expressed by turning something considered cuddly and cute into a nightmarish monster.  Very symbolic with a strong message meant to impact the viewer on a deep level.  Read on and bare whiteness to a fine example of a bad example, the bad execution of a great idea.

Night of the Lepus (1972)

Director	William F. Claxton
The Main Players
Stuart Whitman	Roy Bennett
Janet Leigh	Gerry Bennett
Rory Calhoun	Cole Hillman
DeForest Kelley (That’s right baby! Dr. (Bones) McCoy)	Elgin Clark
The Easter Bunny	Bad Bunnies

Synopsis: 

            Man’s eternal struggle to tame his environment culminates in this one night battle for supremacy against one of nature’s most fierce creature; genetically altered giant bunny rabbits.

Review:

           

            There are horror movies that just don’t deliver.  The movie promises to be a thrill ride when in fact it turns out the director decided to take the scenic route.  They wanted it to be scary but things just didn’t click.  They didn’t build up suspense, or perhaps they had too much suspense but didn’t go anywhere.  And then there is, Night of The Lepus, a movie that truly defies description and is second to none from the 70’s drive-inn era.  If you grew up in the 70’s and your parents took you to see this movie, you had bad parents.  Let’s see what kept this train wreck of a movie on the rails (and if you watch the movie, you’ll know just how clever that was).

            Our film starts strong with some very moody B&W films of rabbit infestations being battled in Australia and New Zealand while being narrated in a news story style.  We are told of the massive damage these little breading machines do to crops and ecosystems when left to do what they do best, multiply.  Then the story speeds up to more contemporary images of the SW USA and farmers conducting bunny rabbit roundup.  Enter our number 2 hero, Cole Hillman riding across his range until his horse is taken down by a rabbit hole, and with a broken leg (look away Ainsley) has to be shot.  He hated the rabbits before but now it’s personal.  Cole needs help and seeks the council of his good friend Dr. McCoy, I mean Elgin Clark the president of the university.  Bones knows just what to do.

            Elgin calls in the help of our main hero, Roy Bennett, who along with his lovely wife Gerry and irritating daughter Amanda, are surprised since Roy is an expert on Bats and other science crap never explained.  Roy takes on the mission to help out Cole and save his ranch.  He doesn’t want Cole to use poison and decides a much safer approach would be genetic manipulation.  Seriously, Gerry explains to their little girl how they are trying to make all the rabbits androgynous.  This is where the basis of the horror begins.  Amanda loves bunnies and asks for one from the control group.  When mom and dad have their heads buried in guano she swaps out her pet for one of the experimental ones.  It shouldn’t come to any great surprise the mutant bunny manages to get loose while visiting Cole’s ranch and nothing makes a rabbit want to get it on like a few hours in a cage getting a special serum.

            These rabbits don’t just copulate fast, they reproduce even faster.  In no time we get a series of giant bunny attacks starting with a delivery driver and followed by the massacre of a family of four.  Sheriff Cody is right on it, and despite this being a very small town, he has his own forensic team ready to jump into action.  It seems our specialist went to the same school Roy Bennett did because he practices the same sort of suspect scientific fast method.  The Sheriff and his boys are perplexed when the doc tells them the damage both to the driver and all his cargo was done by something that gnawed on everything.  Of course they want to know what they are up against and our CSI guy seriously says, “If I had to guess, I’d say a sabre tooth tiger did this.”  And to demonstrate where his conclusion comes from he holds up two fingers spread about an inch and a half apart to show how long the teeth of the mystery beast would be.  Yup, sabre tooth tiger is all it could be because nothing has teeth that long except for:

• Beavers
• Bears
• Coyotes
• Wolves
• Hillbillies

You get the point, this is as scientific as voodoo.

            Things really start to pickup now.  Cole, Roy and even Eglin find the rabbit cave, an abandoned mine, and apply my favourite fix to any problem; the right amount of high explosives.  This is the part of the movie where the signature creepy sound effect letting you know the rabbits are on the move appears.  The sound is so strange and even harder to describe, but if I had to, I would say there is a bubbling like sound in it and a bunch of rabbits growling if there is such a thing.  They decide to blast the old mine and seal the bunnies in. Now in true bad monster movie fashion, they leave thinking they have saved the world from hopping carnage.  The night of the Lepus begins.

            The rabbits come out with a vengeance racing their way to population attacking anything they see; their first stop is Cole’s ranch.  Cole has a sort of unusual way of dealing with giant monster rabbits no one else has.  When the bunnies come knocking, Cole starts rocking with his 30.30 rifle.  Gigantic, mutant and sabre toothed they may be, but giant rabbits are not bullet proof.  Blood flies from the obviously stuffed bunnies on the miniature set of Cole’s country kitchen, and he has learned something invaluable about fighting these relentless creatures.  All he has to do is get the National Guard and everyone else together to fight them making a last stand for humanity from a rampaging horde of giant killer rabbits two miles wide, and who knows how deep; but who would believe him?  Turns out, just about anyone he tells.

            That’s a running theme in this movie, every time they say, “Look you’re not gonna believe this,” they do without question.  Even if I saw a huge killer bunny right in front of me, I’d still say what’s that?  And after you told me I’d probably ask again while we were running for our lives.  I’m not going to spoil the ending for you, and I seriously doubt that’s possible but I will say humanity does not wind up being the slaves to rabbits, toiling in their fields raising crops of giant carrots.  I won’t say that because it makes way more sense than the actual ending of this movie which simply must be experienced.  I guarantee the ending will make you feel good inside.  You will either enjoy the way these lucky humans save themselves, or you will just be glad it’s over.  Either way you will understand the motivation behind Elmer Fudd.

Lessons Learned:

• If a rabbit gets too big it stops being a vegetarian.
• Genetic manipulation starts with a syringe.
• Little girls might be made of sugar and spice but they aren’t always nice.
• Drive-inn patrons will believe just about anything a police officer screams into a mega-phone.

Fun Facts:

1. The producers of this film made sure not to feature any of the rabbits in posters or the trailer for fear of no one taking it seriously.
2. To promote the movie, lucky rabbit feet made to look like they were dipped in blood were distributed.
3. Oscar nominated Janet Leigh said she took this job because it was close to home and tried to forget it as much as possible.
4. The special effect for this film mostly consisted of domestic rabbits filmed in slow motion as they lumbered around miniature model sets.  A man in a fir suit was used for close up attacks.

Watch the trailer 

Coming Attractions:

            Check out this week’s pole where you get to decide the next movie reviewed.  You probably don’t know these films so I’ve thrown in some stinkers and some classics.  Let mob justice reign and decide our fate.