Review 2017- 01The Swarm

Blog Post no 25 The Swarm

A long time ago in what we now call the not so dark, but still dark ages, or the days when there wasn’t really an Internet. I mean it was still there, first developed long before the days of the personal home computer, but it just wasn’t used or had a use until everyone got on it. Today we have YouTube and the rest of the sites out there in the ever evolving cyberspace that is able to fulfill a unique purpose in providing us with the “Where are They Now” pages and videos. These are the slightly better than gossip rags trying to fill in the details of what has become of the big stars from three months ago, because if you are not in front of every entertainment craving slug in the world, then you are rapidly sliding down the celebrity hell of anonymity chart.

So what did we have all those years before TMZ and YouTube? We had something incredible bringing the top talents and has-beens together in one massive monumental feature known as the disaster movie. No one was better at the disaster movie than Irwin Allen. He was responsible for, The Poseidon Adventure, The Towering Inferno, Voyage to the Bottom of the Sea, and of course a lot of TV. These movies brought  mega stars like Paul Newman and Steve McQueen together in the same film as stars your parents would have to explain their relevance like Fred Astaire or Shelly Winters. To be honest, I think I prefer the old method better.

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The Swarm (1978)

Director	Irwin Allen
The Main Players
Michael Caine	Brad Crane
Katharine Ross	Captain Helena Anderson
Richard Widmark	General Slater
Richard Chamberlain	Dr. Hubbard
Olivia de Havilland	Maureen Schuster
Ben Johnson	Felix
Slim Pickens	Jud Hawkins
José Ferrer	Dr. Andrews
Fred MacMurray	Mayor Clarence
Henry Fonda	Dr. Walter Krim
Patty Duke	Rita
There’s a lot more, so look it up.

Synopsis: 

            As usual, mother nature is striking back at us, now with killer bees that have slowly been traveling north form their South American origins and they just happen to make their way to a secret American Military establishment (possibly nuclear in nature) killing everyone except a lone entomologist tracking the bees with aspirations of stopping them and saving mankind.

Review:

            This is a strange movie and when you watch it, you'll start to understand how it’s the film example of putting the cart before the horse. Basically there’s a very well structured plot involving a large ensemble of characters that have their lives suddenly intertwined by a large disaster making both friends and adversaries alike, come together to save everyone. It’s an excellent formula offering the right amounts of drama and touching moments, but when you watch, you can’t help but feel like they started with everything but what the disaster was going to bee (little pun). It felt like they had everything in place and someone just got up and said, oh yeah, what is everyone supposed to be afraid of. Some P.A. probably just shouted out, Killer Bees and then they tried to ram that square peg into the round hole giving us this remarkably un-disastrous disaster movie.

            Michael Caine shuffles his way through this as the loud obnoxious know it all about bees of all varieties named Brad Crane. He spends a lot of time arguing with authorities about how to deal with the bees. The military people want to go to war against them and don’t do so well in their first encounter. After losing a couple choppers in the battle with the bees Slim Pickens shows up at the front gate looking for help for his son and to make nice cameo to represent the simple folks lining in the area. There is a heart felt scene between Slim and his injured boy that everyone sort of rallies around deciding they will fight the bees. With so much going on with the military trying to intervene we have have a catalyst to drive the thin plot forward and we get it with some kids in the park.

            One kid, who’s only just recovered from being stung, gathers his friends with intent to strike the first blow through the magic of fire bombing and few of them in the hollowed out tree they live in. All this does is stir up the bees and what  would any ruthless group of killers from South America do when restless in their hide out, they head in to town to stir shit up. The bees are now more riled than ever before as demonstrated by their need to find a way into a storage area that they have now way of knowing of it’s existence, and will stop at nothing to get inside including going through the air conditioning system. They are  after all ,super killer bees, and it quickly appears they are holding a grudge of equally super proportions. Despite the number of scientists working to find a solution to battle the bees, we learn very little about bees. Most people are unaware that bees communicate with each other by means of a sort of dance to show others where the best nectar is. You’d think given the kind of budget and star power pulled together for this one, they could have at least had the bees do the dance of Lets Kill Everyone We See.

            My favorite part is when we get to see how the attack of the bees is a major news item bringing the big news networks to town in their giant motor homes featuring moment by moment commentary by the on air talent. What they don’t explain is the courage of the unsung heroes of the network. The humble and brave cameramen up on top of the motor homes brining you live minute by minute images while being swarmed to death and never once flinching. It’s just another level of preposterous activity forcing you more and more to suspend suspending disbelief. My immediate first thought was how could the union let this happen. Regular bees would be one thing, but South American undocumented illegal bees would not be tolerated.

            Of course, we can’t rely on union action alone to stop this ecological disaster, and we all know you have to fight fire with fire. In this case they decide to attack one Eco-disaster by starting another. Now, for some reason, the bees decide to attack a nuclear plant, and one can Oliy assume they just want in on that industry as well. Through some amazing, and yet to be invented  device, Crane discovers the real reason the bees attacked the military base in the first place. Like everyone else they hate the sound of an alarm siren blasting into the peacefully outdoors, which is very interesting when you consider bees don’t have ears. They don’t hear sounds but they can feel vibrations and I can only assume tops on their list is the incessant buzzing all around them. That would turn anyone into a killer. So, Cranes our hero uses helicopters with speakers ballasting out the sound bees cant hear to lure them out to the ocean where this thoughtfully environmental warrior has lay ed out a nice slick of premium crude oil. They set it ablaze killing all of the bees and any marine mammal life that just happened to wander into the spill zone. Kind of like a Dawn detergent commercial but instead of washing the fuzzy duckies off, you set them on fire.

           

             

Lessons Learned:

•       Cameramen will do anything to get the shot.

•       Bees do not respect international boarders or coastal exclusion limits.

•       For aging actors, if you’re going out, it might as well be with the help of Irwin Allen.

•       Despite being barely able to fly, bees can keep up with a Huey unless playing Ride of the Valkyries.

•       Flame-throwers aren’t just for fun anymore.

•       Train travel is still the safest form of… never mind.

Review 2016-03 Bermuda Tentacles

Just how much influence does pop culture have on regular culture? Take the great state of Texas for example. Everyone knows that Texas is known for big things, or doing things big. But now there is a bit of a sense that there is this sort of big craziness that goes along with Texas. The notion is that when they go crazy there, they go crazy big. Would it be that way without cultural monsters like Leatherface and J.R. Ewing? Or, is it that those abominations come from Texas that make it seem crazier than other places. More importantly, would Texas matter without them. The problem with pop culture and it’s influence is that while we can see where it starts (sometimes), and we can often see where it ends. The real conundrum is why it ever started in the first place. And so, there are other places that have achieved that sort of mythical like status, even when they don’t exist.
The Bermuda Triangle is just that sort of place. It isn’t a place at all. It’s just an imaginary line running between geographical points that has been attributed with paranormal like powers, mystery, and other spooky shit. The problem is that all of the hype has gone. For me it left back in 1977 when NOVA did a special proving that more stuff went missing outside of the Triangle than in. But look, even if they were wrong and Aliens with other mystical forces are at work in the Triangle, lets celebrate that we’ve got the buggers contained to one area. It’s not like you can’t vacation in Jamaica instead.

Bermuda Tentacles (2014)

Director	Nick Lyon
The Main Players
Trevor Donovan	Trip Oliver
Linda Hamilton	Admiral Linda Hansen
Mya (as Mya Harrison)	Lt. Plummer
John Savage	President  DeSteno

Synopsis:  

The President of the United States of America is forced to jettison in an escape pod from Air Force One as it flies through a severe tropical storm over the dreaded Bermuda Triangle, but the massive naval strike force and unknown extra-terrestrial forces from the deep hamper a special operations team sent to rescue him (they don’t seem interested in other survivors).

Review:

I’ve said it before, and I’ll say it again. I love B movies. Sadly, this isn’t one of them. I don’t even have a rating for this one other than I wanted to call it Bermuda Testicles, but someone beat me to it on IMDB. It is a fitting title because when you look at the concept for the script:

President ejects over the Bermuda Triangle.

Navy goes in to get rescue him.

Special rescue team called in.

Giant space/alien/monster tentacles rise from the deep immune to all weapons.

Special team told to stand down - they go anyway.

Special team finds giant alien storage container full of all the missing crap in it.

They find POTUS and get away, or something like that.

Just imagine how big a pair you’d have to have to seriously go forward asking for development money to put this turd into production. If that isn’t a ballsy move, I don’t know what is.

A lot of reviews on line are sort of mean when it comes to Linda Hamilton. They seem to  focus on the way she looks and the mere fact that she is in this movie, which should speak for itself. I don’t know how actors get roped into these things, but we have to keep in mind that they are doing a job. It’s a bad movie, but not because of her. She did a great job and even Vivian Leigh could not have saved this one. I’m just surprised that none of the reviewers touched on John Savage showing up. Tentacles from space is no Deer Hunter. Savage couldn’t do anything for this one except that I will admit that I watched it to see the both of them in it. Everyone needs a reason/excuse.

Lets be honest here, I watched the entire thing, but I did it in stages thanks to the PVR. This movie was painful to watch and I just don’t remember how it ends. I know they make it, I just don’t know why, nor do I care. The cast should be dead. The aliens should have gone back to their home world and deleted us from their stellar maps. Those giant tentacles should have got out a huge jug of white out and blanked out our solar system. If they had been like Columbus the Queen would have been entitled to a full refund. These poor guys didn’t find anything worth writing home about.

Just imagine if you had been one of the aliens getting back to your world and trying to explain how things went on this new planet you discovered. They would be like, “Let me get this straight. They can make machines that fly. They’ve been to space. They’ve learned to harness most of the power from splitting the atom. And they think where you park is magic, and they shoot at you whenever you try to shake tentacles with them?” Hard to believe isn’t it. I’d probably blow us up too.

Lessons Learned:

• The only thing worse than tentacles are tentacles coming out of tentacles.
• The Bermuda Triangle is way deeper than we thought.
• They have a special day in the Navy when you can wear the uniform of your choice and you get to make up the ranks of others.
• Everyone in the Navy has a gun just in case.
• Take your best shot means something different in the Triangle.
• Old actors don’t die, they join the Navy.
• I don’t know if you’ve been told, Navy wings just fall out of the sky.

Review 2016-02 The Giant Behemoth 1959

Who invented the Monster Movie? I don’t mean the creature in the pond, or some hairy thing waiting for teens to go off looking for their missing friends. I’m talking about monsters the size of a building, or ones that can pick up and entire passenger train and then toss it to the side like I do with that can of sardines that’s been in the pantry for the last few years. Are they like me, just scavenging around looking for a snack?

I asked Google and it told me to go away, but eventually I got an answer. As far as the specific genre of the Creature Feature I was told the film The Beast from 20,000 Fathoms was the first film to have a monster that was created by man’s pursuit of the nuclear age. We built the bomb, we used it, and nature is striking back. The birth of an entire genre of B-Movies; nerd genesis.

The Giant Behemoth (1959)

Directors	Douglas Hickox, Eugène Lourié
The Main Players
Gene Evans	Steve Karnes
André Morell	Prof. James Bickford
John Turner	John
Leigh Madison	Jean Trevethan

Synopsis: 

            Dumping radioactive waste in our oceans serves as a wakeup call to a prehistoric beast that can shoot electricity and radioactive beams of destruction, but stopping it with conventional weapons might give us back all that waste we were trying to get rid of.

Review:

            Like the synopsis says, there is a lot of dumping of waste into the oceans at the intro with a lot of attention to making sure you realize it’s now the nuclear age. That’s right, the new age where all of your problems can both be caused and cured by the invisible stuff that makes the little machine click like crazy when you get near that monster or where the monster has been. Our giant monster doesn’t waist any time and heads to a small fishing village on the coast of England where it kills an old fisherman as soon as his lovely daughter is out of range.

            Eventually the monster sets its sights at trying to cause problems all over. In fact we even have a scene where it comes ashore going after a small country farmhouse. I was wondering if it was going to slip into one of those old travelling salesmen jokes about having to let it stay for the night and share a room with the daughter, but it killed them all instead with more invisible radiation waves or whatever the hell it’s supposed to be. All we get to see is something glowing strange and then waves or energy like ripples in a pond radiating out towards the victims. We don’t get much of a view of the actual creature for now, and that’s really a good thing.

Eventually the monster gets tired of the costal offerings and starts moving into the more heavily populated area using the Thames as its private tour guide. There is a lot of mayhem and panic around London and the Army is brought in to create some strong holds with the hope of holding it off for a while. Of course their attempts are useless with a lot of soldiers finding out the hard way. The creature is estimated to be about 200 feet tall and they even identify which type of dinosaur it is but I can’t spell that one, and I don’t even want to look it up. Frankly, I thought it was a lot more interesting when you had to imagine what it might look like.

            In my imagination, I never thought of it to look like a crappy little plastic model of dinosaur. The stop motion isn’t bad. It’s what they are moving a bit at every frame that makes it hard to take this movie. The only way to salvage this one would bet to return to a simpler time. A time when most of us had like three or four channels to choose from. When you’re eight or nine years old and you’ve got a choice between this one and Hymn Sing or Meet the Press, you know where the dial is headed. Of course that depends on weather you even know what a dial is (sort of a manual remote attached to the T.V.). You sort of have to really enjoy suffering through this kind of stuff like I do, or suffer any number of other mental afflictions. I liked it, I just don’t know why.

             

Lessons Learned:

• Radioactive sea monsters are very coy.
• Fish are not supposed to glow in the dark.
• Scientists love a good conference, especially when there is a monster involved.
• Tower Bridge in London is a tourist trap even for monsters.
• Sea monsters and submarines go together just like fish and chips.