Blog Post no 25 The Swarm
A long time
ago in what we now call the not so dark, but still dark ages, or the days when
there wasn’t really an Internet. I mean it was still there, first developed
long before the days of the personal home computer, but it just wasn’t used or
had a use until everyone got on it. Today we have YouTube and the rest of the
sites out there in the ever evolving cyberspace that is able to fulfill a
unique purpose in providing us with the “Where are They Now” pages and videos.
These are the slightly better than gossip rags trying to fill in the details of
what has become of the big stars from three months ago, because if you are not
in front of every entertainment craving slug in the world, then you are rapidly
sliding down the celebrity hell of anonymity chart.
So what did we have all those years
before TMZ and YouTube? We had something incredible bringing the top talents
and has-beens together in one massive monumental feature known as the disaster
movie. No one was better at the disaster movie than Irwin Allen. He was
responsible for, The Poseidon Adventure,
The Towering Inferno, Voyage to the Bottom of the Sea, and of course a lot
of TV. These movies brought mega stars
like Paul Newman and Steve McQueen together in the same film as stars your
parents would have to explain their relevance like Fred Astaire or Shelly
Winters. To be honest, I think I prefer the old method better.
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Director
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The Main Players
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Brad Crane
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Captain Helena Anderson
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General Slater
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Dr. Hubbard
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Maureen Schuster
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Felix
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Jud Hawkins
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Dr. Andrews
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Mayor Clarence
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Dr. Walter Krim
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Rita
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There’s a lot more, so look it up.
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Synopsis:
As usual,
mother nature is striking back at us, now with killer bees that have slowly
been traveling north form their South American origins and they just happen to
make their way to a secret American Military establishment (possibly nuclear in
nature) killing everyone except a lone entomologist tracking the bees with
aspirations of stopping them and saving mankind.
Review:
This is a
strange movie and when you watch it, you'll start to understand how it’s the
film example of putting the cart before the horse. Basically there’s a very
well structured plot involving a large ensemble of characters that have their lives
suddenly intertwined by a large disaster making both friends and adversaries
alike, come together to save everyone. It’s an excellent formula offering the
right amounts of drama and touching moments, but when you watch, you can’t help
but feel like they started with everything but what the disaster was going to
bee (little pun). It felt like they had everything in place and someone just
got up and said, oh yeah, what is everyone supposed to be afraid of. Some P.A.
probably just shouted out, Killer Bees
and then they tried to ram that square peg into the round hole giving us this
remarkably un-disastrous disaster movie.
Michael
Caine shuffles his way through this as the loud obnoxious know it all about
bees of all varieties named Brad Crane. He spends a lot of time arguing with
authorities about how to deal with the bees. The military people want to go to
war against them and don’t do so well in their first encounter. After losing a
couple choppers in the battle with the bees Slim Pickens shows up at the front
gate looking for help for his son and to make nice cameo to represent the
simple folks lining in the area. There is a heart felt scene between Slim and
his injured boy that everyone sort of rallies around deciding they will fight
the bees. With so much going on with the military trying to intervene we have
have a catalyst to drive the thin plot forward and we get it with some kids in
the park.
One kid,
who’s only just recovered from being stung, gathers his friends with intent to
strike the first blow through the magic of fire bombing and few of them in the
hollowed out tree they live in. All this does is stir up the bees and what would any ruthless group of killers from
South America do when restless in their hide out, they head in to town to stir shit
up. The bees are now more riled than ever before as demonstrated by their need
to find a way into a storage area that they have now way of knowing of it’s
existence, and will stop at nothing to get inside including going through the
air conditioning system. They are after
all ,super killer bees, and it quickly appears they are holding a grudge of
equally super proportions. Despite the number of scientists working to find a
solution to battle the bees, we learn very little about bees. Most people are unaware
that bees communicate with each other by means of a sort of dance to show
others where the best nectar is. You’d think given the kind of budget and star
power pulled together for this one, they could have at least had the bees do
the dance of Lets Kill Everyone We See.
My favorite
part is when we get to see how the attack of the bees is a major news item
bringing the big news networks to town in their giant motor homes featuring
moment by moment commentary by the on air talent. What they don’t explain is
the courage of the unsung heroes of the network. The humble and brave cameramen
up on top of the motor homes brining you live minute by minute images while
being swarmed to death and never once flinching. It’s just another level of
preposterous activity forcing you more and more to suspend suspending
disbelief. My immediate first thought was how could the union let this happen.
Regular bees would be one thing, but South American undocumented illegal bees
would not be tolerated.
Of course,
we can’t rely on union action alone to stop this ecological disaster, and we
all know you have to fight fire with fire. In this case they decide to attack
one Eco-disaster by starting another. Now, for some reason, the bees decide to
attack a nuclear plant, and one can Oliy assume they just want in on that
industry as well. Through some amazing, and yet to be invented device, Crane discovers the real reason the
bees attacked the military base in the first place. Like everyone else they
hate the sound of an alarm siren blasting into the peacefully outdoors, which
is very interesting when you consider bees don’t have ears. They don’t hear
sounds but they can feel vibrations and I can only assume tops on their list is
the incessant buzzing all around them. That would turn anyone into a killer.
So, Cranes our hero uses helicopters with speakers ballasting out the sound
bees cant hear to lure them out to the ocean where this thoughtfully
environmental warrior has lay ed out a nice slick of premium crude oil. They
set it ablaze killing all of the bees and any marine mammal life that just
happened to wander into the spill zone. Kind of like a Dawn detergent
commercial but instead of washing the fuzzy duckies off, you set them on fire.
Lessons Learned:
• Cameramen will do anything to get the
shot.
• Bees do not respect international
boarders or coastal exclusion limits.
• For aging actors, if you’re going
out, it might as well be with the help of Irwin Allen.
• Despite being barely able to fly,
bees can keep up with a Huey unless playing Ride
of the Valkyries.
• Flame-throwers aren’t just for fun
anymore.
• Train travel is still the safest form
of… never mind.
