B movies are always fun, but they
aren’t always entertaining. Sometimes
the planets line up just right, (this is more prevalent within the Sci-Fi genre
which makes up a large part of B movies) the wind blows in just the right
direction, and we get to see how the feeble have tried so hard to fail so
miserably. If that’s what you seek? Look no further than this serious failure
which helped change the way I looked upon bad movies. I used to think that some of these films were
created under the sublime intention as a form of punishment for the youngsters
of my generation. But after watching
this one, I pondered for hours what I could have done to deserve 83 minutes of
punishment known as Nude on The Moon,
because when I was ten it would have seemed awesome.
Directors
|
|
The Main Players
|
|
Cathy/Moon Goddess
|
|
Professor
|
|
Dr.
Jeff Huntley
|
|
Any
guess
|
Synopsis:
Two
aspiring scientist/astronauts are able to bring their dream of travelling to
the moon to fruition thanks to the timely inheritance of a dead uncle, and when
they get to the moon their wildest fantasies become reality; sort of.
Review:
The professor and Jeff are a couple
of fun loving Florida scientists dreaming of going to the moon. Sure they could embark upon challenging
careers with NASA and claw their way to the top of the heap in the hopes of
being chosen for a moon mission; but hey why wait for all that crap. They’ve been working on building their own
moon rocket and when Jeff arrives to deliver the sad, but great news about his
rich uncle’s demise they have the one thing lacking in their plans; enough money
to finish their rocket. The old guy was
loaded leaving Jeff just over 3 million and that’s more than enough to get
their little science project off the ground.
Now I don’t know if there was some
sort of impound fee or storage bill for their rocket, but the much needed funds
send them right from the lab to the cockpit in minutes and they are on their
way. The arrival to their spaceship and
subsequent takeoff is perhaps one of the funnies moments in cinema. That is of course, until we get to ride along
with them and watch their hilarious in flight conversation conducted over
microphones and headsets when they are quite literally inches from each other. I
have to admit they put a lot of effort into this part and it’s probably the
best acting of the film. The exciting
climax of their journey is the moment they both pass out opening the
possibility of a dream sequence.
Jeff and the Prof wake up after they
land and they are quite comfortable with assuming the ship just seems to have landed
without their help. They immediately
venture out to investigate the wonders of the moon. You will be amazed at what passes for space
suits on this mission which seems to be entirely equipped by Mattel. They are shocked at how earth like the moon
is with all the trees and ferns getting in the way of their search for
craters. To be more accurate, the moon
seems to share a lot of similarity with South Florida which also just happens to
be where most of the movie was shot.
They do remark on how surprising similarity is, but don’t seem to be all
that excited about the huge garden wall blocking their path.
Jeff and the Prof take turns helping
each other climb up and peer over the wall watching the moon people at
play. That’s right! Moon people or more accurate, topless moon
people are frolicking in the lovely moon gardens worshiping their queen as she
sits upon a marble throne. It seems Jeff
and the Prof have discovered that even on the moon size matters. The queen is sporting a seriously commanding
set of DD coronation tiaras that get places long before she does. Her bust is the only thing in this film temporarily
suspending disbelief giving the illusion that the lack of sagging could
actually be due to the lower gravity of the moon. In fact, if you think about
it, this film could very well be the inspiration for the long time trend
towards breast augmentation in show business.
Aspiring actors, directors, and producers must have looked to this film
wondering how this stinker could have come to be. When you watch it, you’ll see an amazing pair
of answers staring right back at you.
Lessons Learned:
- A long time ago, in a galaxy far, far away, there
were perverts.
- You don’t need a space suit on the moon but a heavy
gage underwire bra would come in handy.
- In space no one can hear you lactate.
- At least we now know why those Apollo guys had
trouble walking when they got back.
